Insistance Puns

He said this over and over

Finally, baby sis turns to him and says : "what's your name again?"

"It's Josh"... He said, confused 🤔

Baby sis : "That's right. It's not Jesus!"

True story 😂

A cAntelope.

(Just made this one up at the dinner table tonight with the kids!)

Suture self

... and as you can see, they were Wright

I guess German Shepards aren't such a dangerous breed after all!

Purely for shellfish raisins.

He just can’t part with it.

I told her she would roux the day.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

I thought "This is going to end in tiers"

Because it was two tired

At least the kids get to see bag dad now.

So I have used this joke religiously for many many years. My oldest 20, second 5 and then my baby girl is just over 18 months. Every time any of them need a new diaper.

“Alright looks like you’ve broke it, there’s a crack in it so you need a new butt.”

The two older ones still crack up and princess dances around when I say it.

(Yes that is a mighty big gap in ages and yes all the same mom)

I told him sorry mate you have the prawn number

Look, sometimes you have to call a spayed a spayed.

But I bought him loafers instead.

Except Togo.

To minimise casual tees

He has a lot experience working remote

So I yelled back "Then how did your foot get in there!"

A refuse-nik!

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.

But I don’t know... I still say there’s something fishy about him.

I just don’t see it.

The frame was remarkable

...tune in at 11, to see his four-casts.

I politely told him he had the wrong number and that I hoped he found the right number.

A few hours later the doorbell rang so, I went and answered, and it was an elderly fellow. I asked how I might help him, and he replied that he was sure his son lived at this address. I assured him that it was only my wife and I, asled if he was the respectable chap whom had called me earlier. He said yes,, and insisted this was his son's home. Well, what are you gonna do? So, I told him to come on in and see for himself.

We walked around the house, main floor, basement, second floor, and he wanted wanted go into the attic. I didn't think he would make it up the steep stairs of the pull down hatch. So, I went up amd told him there was nothing.

Disappointed, the elderly fellow walked to the door, and said, "well, looks like yer gonna have to throw me out, because I don't want to leave".

Well that's not gonna fly, my wife would not be happy to return home from work and see a strange old man refusing refusing leave.

I said yes, I am throwing you out sir. So, I opened the door, amd ushered him out. He shuffled down the walk, to the curb and around the corner.

30 minutes later, the doorbell rang again, so, I answered it. And believe it or not, it was the elderly man again. He said he wanted to apologize, did so, then left.

As he was walking away I put the pieces together of what had happened. This elderly fellow, having rung my doorbell, having me throwhim out, and his final return, I realized, a boomer rang me, I threw him out, and he came back.

Thought of this one a while ago and had forgotten it.Yer welcome. :)

Sounds like a stretch to me.

How else am I going to keep my stories straight.

I am insisting that the chimney has to be on the house... but that builder, what he wants is just through the roof!

Sometimes I think she takes me for granite.

She said no, just above the knees.

He was in de-nile

Confused as to who it could be, he gets up and opens the door to find the county sheriff standing there.

'Why, hello sir,' he says, 'what can I do for ya this fine evening?'

'I'll get straight to the point,' the sheriff replies, 'I know you've been huntin' grizzlies in these here parts, and that's against the law!'

'Huh? I ain't been huntin' no grizzlies, sheriff,' the hunter replies, 'I been mainly focusin' on them deers i swear!'

The sheriff, not believing the hunter, insists on searching the cabin, with the hunter reluctantly letting him in. Upon his search, the sheriff finds multiple sets of the limbs of grizzly bears, providing all the evidence he needs to arrest the hunter.

The next day, the sheriff is approached at his desk by the hunter's lawyer as well as an FBI officer. Noting this as unusual he stands to greet them.

'I'm gonna have to ask you to let my client go,' the lawyer says.

'Why?' The sheriff stammered

The FBI agent interjects, 'You have violated the Constitution of the United States in imprisoning this hunter. The remains in his possession were all front legs of the grizzly bears, and as such, you have infringed upon his second amendment right to bear arms.'

But I didn’t! All they were doing was putting words in my mouth!

I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"

He really keeps me on my toes.

I told her she is my favorite ding-dong.

I think that’s a stretch.

He felt it was a real tripping hazard.

When she insisted she'd only gotten six packages, I counted them in front of her: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13!

He says “My campfires are better, man.”

But my only way to work is broken down, and I just can't bring myself to tell him.

I told her she would roux the day.

Suture self 🤷‍♂️

As he died, he kept insisting “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.

Suture self.

Suture self.