There is no point to your hand anymore
"I'll have 5 beers please"
but i’m okay now, i’ve made peace with them.
...it’s always going to be okay...
Oh wait. I'm obese
Down Jones
Sign Language
It was a bit pointless.
Teacher: “So I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”
The teacher has everyone turn their body over
Teacher: “Now I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”
all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first
Teacher: “Okay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”
The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked
As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, “now see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.
With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz
Dad: What do you see?
Me: A finger
Dad: Good, then I've hid well
They lactose.
Edit test.
guess this year is gonna be their year- its twinny twinny after all.
*twinny twinny sounds like twenty twenty (2020)*
“For the last time, it’s Christmas, Eve.”
Edit: Thanks for so much love. Merry Xmas!
When going through some of my deceased father's things, I found a card that says "Gold Mouse Story" and "Do you have a little gold Mexican?". This is sort of a shorthand he used to jot down jokes on index cards - a short description and the punchline.
I have no idea what this might refer to so I am asking here. Does this sound familiar? I apologize in advance if it turns out to be racist!
My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasn’t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasn’t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.
The kids didn’t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so I’m pretty sure it counts.
Our Golf Pun contest is starting tonight at 5PM EST. It's free to enter. Winner gets $150 Amazon eGift Card .........
Please invite all the punsters you'd like .......... https://golfpuns.com/index.php
Working on a little something. Give me your best and I will include you in the credits.
So far I only have: Coo Skywalker
Edit: thanks for all the replies! I will post game here soon, and pm those whose puns I end up using.
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
Incandescent.
Edit: Sorry you guys got downvoted to oblivion for loling.
This sub isn't listed as being for or against dogecoin tips, so here are some to make up for the downvotes. :)
Boy wants a car from his dad
Dad says, "First you got to cut that hair"
Boy says, "Hey dad, Jesus had long hair"
And dad says, "That's right son, Jesus walked everywhere"
(From "The Frontier Index" by The Silver Jews)
Me: “One”
(He was interested in thumb, or index finger. Apparently he had a write-in for pinky. Weird)
The orange said, "no, but I can speak mandarin."
When I was 6-7, my dad would touch his thumb and index finger together in a circle and ask "can you poke your head through this hole?" I would honestly try to figure out a way to fit my head through the circle, or, at least how he managed to do it.
When I gave up, he'd put the circle up to his forehead and poke himself with his other hand's index finger.
I hear the service is going to be out of this world.
https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/aurora-station-luxury-space-hotel/index.html
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=3473
So my wife is learning sign language in college and will come home excited about all the stuff she has learned and will try to teach me. The only thing I've retained so far is yes and no. So when I ask her something that she wants to say no to, she'll sign it (thumb, index, and middle finger spread out, and then closing, like squishing a bug). I'll reply to this with just the opposite, opening those three fingers. That is not the correct sign for yes, the correct sign is like knocking on a door. Well when she does that to correct me, I yell "Who's there?!"
She's going to divorce, I just know it.
I totally believe in parenting similar to Calvin's father. As such, when my 6 year old son came to me and asked me why his index finger was shorter than his middle, I rationally explained to him that it had to be shorter because he'd poke his brain when he picked his nose.
It's been 3 weeks and he still believes me. :D
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?id=3959
While chewing something particularly chewy I thought of something I needed to ask my wife. The following conversation ensued:
Me: Drrd ooo rmmbrr oo ak oww drr trrsh?
Wife: What the hell did you just say?
Me: Muffled sigh Chewing Chewing Chewing Hold up index finger to indicate almost done Chewing I said, 'Drrd ooo rmmbrr oo ak oww drr trrsh?'
Wife: Loses will to live.
Discovered this today while hanging a curtain rod.
I am using the zircon one step stud finder, seen here http://m.acehardware.com//product/index.jsp?productId=1298011&KPID=997266&cid=CAPLA:G:Shopping_-Measuring_Tools/Marking_Tools-_New&pla=pla_997266&k_clickid=21a0e1ae-1f94-44cd-b27e-a6a83ba1fdc1
Begin by using the stud finder to locate a stud as normal. Release the button.
Lift the stud finder off the wall slightly and press the button. This will help calibrate the stud finder to "empty space", making it think that any hard surface is a stud.
Quickly place the stud finder on your chest, onto your breastbone, the stud finder should beep indicating it is on a stud.
Make joke as normal
This saves you from making the beep noise yourself, which, in my opinion weakens the joke.
This way the tool itself confirms that you're a stud.
Uncle asked me if I would still have my table of contents and index.
He sticks his index finger right in their mouth and pulls out before they finish.
It makes little kids and grown-ups alike laugh. He still gets me from time to time.
"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:
-
A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"
-
When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.
-
A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"
-
A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"
-
A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."
-
A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"
-
A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"
-
A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'
-
An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."
-
A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"
-
A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"
You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y
... keep reading on reddit ➡http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?id=3959
There is safety in numbers.
Adapted from the dadliest Dinosaur Comics.
My band had a performance yesterday. We have three saxophone players. One of plays only Alto saxophone, one of them alternates between playing Alto, Tenor and Baritone saxophone and the last plays both Tenor and Baritone saxophone.
The second two kept swapping each other's instruments or one of the other saxophones they had in the background. So at one point we had to wait for them to change while the rest of us were all ready to start playing the next song.
So, trying to make it less awkward for the audience I turn to them and I says 'I'm sorry, they're just playing ... Musical Instruments'
There was a collective groan/laugh from the audience and the drummer went ba-dum-tish And the trumpeter gave me a little wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah
I'm still giggling about it.
But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.
but then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?id=3473
