Inadvertently Puns

His actions were highly ill-eagle

In India, cab driver is Muslim, speaking with broken English to my friend about his family. Cab driver says something about his mother being ill.

Friend: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Is your mother sick?" Cab driver: "Sick? No, she is Muslim!"

Sick = Sikh

I've recovering from a bad road bike crash where I fractured my hip and was in the hospital a few days after surgery (about 4 weeks ago). I was knocked unconscious in the crash, but my helmet probably saved my life and I was diagnosed with post-traumatic amnesia.

A few days later I was talking to a friend and he was asking about the crash and I said, "The doctor told me a name for the type of amnesia it is, but I don't remember it..."

He replied with a laugh, "Did you mean to make that joke?"

I didn't. It's hilarious.

Overheard this conversation while my wife was getting our daughter ready for bed:

Wife: Alright sweetie, time for bed Daughter: Ok, I'm so sleepy Wife: I am too Daughter: NO, I AM TWO!

I was putting spray-on sunscreen onto my (not slim) belly and my daughter, seeing the can and not remembering the correct word said, "hey, it's just like grafatty!). I couldn't stop laughing for a solid 5 minutes. I will never be able to put sunscreen on without thinking of that again.

When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?"

The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath:

"Irony," he replied.

I had just got my hair cut nice and short and been dropped around at my mate's house by mum. As i walk in: Mate's Dad: Hey bonya, who did ya hair cut? Me: (slightly confused) My hair didn't cut anybody...

My dad was passing through town for work and was going to crash at my house. I inadvertently turned the heat off this morning when I left, so It was 55 degrees when he arrived. He called me and asked "were you trying to make a pop-sicle?"

Played hearts for the first time yesterday with the girlfriend and another friend. We played a variant where the Jack of Diamonds was worth extra points. In the first round, I played the jack in one trick and inadvertently lost it to the more experienced player. "That is what happens if you play the jack too early," she said.

Me: "Premature Jack-ulation..."

Laughs/ groans.