Do u know how the roman empire was cut in half?-------How?-------With a pair of Caesars!!!!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st0len_meme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/engineerwho_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said: β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 847
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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How do you cut the ocean in half?... you use a sea saw

You use a sea saw!

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hvmetalhead
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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Wasn’t in the mood to cut the grass.

I really need to get mowtivated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Edward01986
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef

The steaks had never been higher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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A woman tripped and fell off the balcony and had been cut in half. Still conscious, she was quickly rushed to the hospital...

Manager: what did the doctor say to the woman’s family? Me: after thinking ...yea I’m not sure Manager: β€œshe was ALL RIGHT.” Me: oh, I thought you were going to say β€œThere’s nothing LEFT.” The manager at work got a kick out of that because that was an answer he has never gotten before lol figured I’d post it here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slammin_Salmon94
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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How do you cut the ocean in two?

With a sea-saw!🦦

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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I failed shop because I couldn't handle the bow saw used to cut intricate external shapes and interior cut-outs in woodworking

I had trouble coping.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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If you chop down a tree in the forest, but it doesn't understand why you cut it down

Do you think its stumped

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LtLama1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wotmate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?

A square dance

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadacolt45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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Did you hear about the man whose entire left side of his body was cut off in an accident?

It’s ok. He’s all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed β€œOuch, what are you doing!!”

He says, β€œI’m applying the turn-a-cut!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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I was in A&E with a bad cut. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said β€œsuture self”.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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In the delivery room, doctor asks dad to cut the cord.

Dad looks at his newborn and says, "You heard the doc, you've got 30 days to find a job and move out."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spicy_aquatic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Someone cut a periodic table in half and the while neighborhood exploded

Shouldn’t have been splitting atoms

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoYaL_Lucifer69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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I just got my cow to cut all the tall grass in my field.

What a great lawn moo-er!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brawl_nOyOu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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I sat down in the barber's chair and said that I wanted to get a bowl cut. reddit.com/r/3amjokes/com…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobby-Bobson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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Due to cuts in the education budget, they've decided to simplify the alphabet, reducing it to just two vowels and one consonant...

...but don't worry, everything's going to be A-OK!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BluPrince
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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What's the number one cause of getting cut in the kitchen?

Sharp Cheddar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cXoXdXy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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A hippy was working in a cake shop and decided he wanted to cut out the middle man

And so was invented the donut

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notmikerealname
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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I was waiting for my lunch at the Vietnamese food truck, when a guy tried to cut in line in front of me.

I said, β€œ Dude, pho queue.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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Statistically, if you take the entire population of the US and cut them in half

they’ll die.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReddicaPolitician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
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How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Ceasars!

My dad, ladies and gentlemen.

πŸ‘︎ 803
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigDB
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2015
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Had to cut the legs off my kid's bunk beds so they could fit in our new house.

Now they're sunk beds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyryoonake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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I talked to a lawyer about suing for the doctor cutting off the wrong leg in my surgery before they cut off the correct one.

The lawyer said I didn't have a leg to stand on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Serpardum
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
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My friend got a paper cut in the chemistry lab and accidentally touched sodium chloride while trying to put on a bandage.

That's like sprinkling salt over your wounds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.

I scored full Marks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuasarSandwich
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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Another Dad cut in front of me in the after school pick up line

It really pissed me off. So the next day I got there early and taught his kid how to ride a bike.

And you can never get that back

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SykoKilla_ii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
How was the roman empire cut in half

With a pair of Caesars

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, β€œAnd you will dialogue!"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you cut the ocean in half?

With a sea saw

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifelonglifter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you cut the ocean in half?

Use a sea saw.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mastrwill
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you cut the ocean in half?

A sea-saw...

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vladipus222
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you cut the ocean in half?

With a sea saw

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smokiesammies
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonka88
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you cut the ocean in half?

With a sea-saw.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
🚨︎ report
How was the Roman empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeowMixSong
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
🚨︎ report
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeaboojone1574
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report

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