It was no suet.
The doctor said it was a complete pain in the ass.
One said to the other i wont get the job i not good at questions. Dont worry said the other i go in first and i will tell you the answers? So he goes in the boss said to him; If i poke you in the left eye what would happen. I would go half blind. If i poke you right eye what would happen. I would go fully blind. Congratulations you have got the job. Send the other candidate in. As the other candidate was going in the he said the answers are Half blind and Fully blind. Thanks mate and goes to see the boss. Right said the boss if i cut your ear off what would happen. I would go half blind. Okay said the boss if i cut your other ear off what would happen. I would go fully blind. The boss looks puzzled and said how do you make that out. He said thats obvious.
My cap would fall over my eyes!!
You have to stick to the plan.
The English professor went first. He thought for a minute, then stepped up to the mic and said:
Slowly across the desert sand, Marched a lonely caravan, Men on camel, two by two, Destination; Timbuktu.
The audience applauded. Then it was the Native American's turn. He stepped up to the mic and said:
Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three gals in a pop-up tent. They were three, we were two, I bucked one, Tim bucked two.
My dad: "We have a guy at work whose name is Barry Blue. Guess what we call him?"
Me: "I don't know. Blueberry?"
My dad: "..no.. We call him Barry. Why would we call him Blueberry? He might get mad".
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My family was having a burger night and I improvised some groaners:
Q - How does it sound when your cousin drives an ambulance?
A - Neeeenaaaaa-neeeeenaaaaa! (There is a cousin called Nina)
Q - How do you know when your cousin is coming to visit?
A - they ring the Issa-belle! (Yip, you guessed it there is a cousin called Issabelle)
Q - What does a dinosaur say to offer you a hot drink?
A - Would you like some tea, Rex? (Hate to over explain and ruin the joke but just in case - Rex )
Then during bathtime:
Q - When a crab goes to jail where do they lock him up?
A - A jail shell. (there was a decorative jar of shells there which I used as a muse for this piece)
Q - How does a daddy cow clean himself at night?
A - In a bub-bull bath. (Just came to me)
Q - What does an astronaut use in the bath?
A - A space cloth. (this one didn't really land but I stand by it)
Q - What do you use to wash your hair in the toilet?
A - Sham-poo (low hanging fruit but this one absolutely killed)
But I think I've got potential. I'm a waiter. It was raining when I left for work earlier, so I put my apron on my head to shield myself. I thought of what I might say if anyone questioned me about it.
"I sometimes like to wear improvised nun hoods. It's not a very good habit."
My mom had made Minestrone but didn't have any tomatoes. My family is hispanic so this happened in spanish.
Mom: There were no tomatoes, i had to improvise.
Me: Oh that's what's missing.
Dad: So it's "Tu"nestrone, not Minestrone hee hee
"Tu" is "your" in spanish, "Mi" is "mine"
