Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?
He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "
My friend told me I did a terrible Elvis impression
I replied "Thank you, thank you very much."
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
At a job interview the interviewer asked me why i had a 4 year gap in my resume. I told him, that it’s because i went to yale. He looked impressed and told me i’m hired.
I won’t act like I’m not impressed
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
I'm thinking of entering a talent show. I have two ideas for my act. Either a Blues Traveler cover band, or an impression of Richard Nixon.
I'm hoping to win, by Hook or by Crook.
At a conference there was the most courageous person who went by the name Sam. Before he got on the stage to deliver his impressive speech, all attendees begged him not to sing.
I went to the dentist the other day. He took one look at my teeth and said he needed to do an impression.
To be honest, his Sinatra wasn't that bad.
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”
Anyone I ever dated was impressed when I told them I liked to relax on my poop deck.
They were always disappointed when I showed them it was just a regular deck with dog poop on it.
My wife said she was gonna divorce me for my bad Arnold impression.
Don’t worry, ”I’ll return”.
I told my wife “Honey, there’s a chip in our new bowls!” She was not as impressed.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale... Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I'm a teacher and I like to do superhero impressions before class to put students in a good mood.
The other day I told them I was going to do an imitation of Batman, so I started off with:
"Argh… kryptonite, getting weaker…"
"THAT'S SUPERMAN!" a student in the back row yelled
"Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot", I replied.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
My roommate is getting annoyed because I won't stop my flamingo impression.
So I've had to put my foot down.
My mother’s leg was amputated 2 years ago. I wrote this punderful post to make her smile. It was more than successful and also impressed her doctor.
What do you call impressing a skinny man named "Terry"?
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.
He said, “You’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”
My friend tries to impress women by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn't believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
My gf wasn’t impressed when she asked me to leave the door ajar
People who aren't impressed by pictures of a Black Hole clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation.
I burned an impressive 2,000 calories today.
That’s the last time I fall asleep with brownies in the oven.
Want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
I dont like tractors any more
My kid thought I should be impressed that she made a zero out of a twist tie.
I told her she’s 7, she should know that means nothing.
Superman can to do a lot of impressive things but...
Why is it so hard to impress oil connoisseurs?
A pirate dad joke
A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg, asking “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”
The sailor then pointed to the pirate’s eyepatch, again asking “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.”
The sailor responded with “That’s not as impressive as the first two”.
“Aye, it was me first day with me hook.”
I called an old college classmate and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed...Upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes, with hot water, under his wife’s supervision.
My wife said “I’m going to press some garlic now”
I said “that’s impressive!”
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" and I said, "That's Superman..."
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction!
Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)
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