Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
I don't think she was impressed with me
My wife's an artist so I tried to impress her by painting her picture but she just got really upset
I guess she liked how it looked originally.
You'd be impressed with the display cabinet I have at home, full of saltwater and semen.
I wasn't impressed with the ketchup manufacturer's market research.
They had terrible sauces.
I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?
He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "
My wife has been telling me to put a stop to my animal impressions for a while now. Today, she furiously told to me stop a flamingo impression I had been practicing for a while now.
I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
I won’t act like I’m not impressed
My friend told me I did a terrible Elvis impression
I replied "Thank you, thank you very much."
Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."
"He was always looking down on me!"
At a job interview the interviewer asked me why i had a 4 year gap in my resume. I told him, that it’s because i went to yale. He looked impressed and told me i’m hired.
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale... Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I'm thinking of entering a talent show. I have two ideas for my act. Either a Blues Traveler cover band, or an impression of Richard Nixon.
I'm hoping to win, by Hook or by Crook.
At a conference there was the most courageous person who went by the name Sam. Before he got on the stage to deliver his impressive speech, all attendees begged him not to sing.
I went to the dentist the other day. He took one look at my teeth and said he needed to do an impression.
To be honest, his Sinatra wasn't that bad.
What did one acrobat say to the other before their performance?
"Catch you on the flip side."
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
I told my wife “Honey, there’s a chip in our new bowls!” She was not as impressed.
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn't believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
Anyone I ever dated was impressed when I told them I liked to relax on my poop deck.
They were always disappointed when I showed them it was just a regular deck with dog poop on it.
My wife said she was gonna divorce me for my bad Arnold impression.
Don’t worry, ”I’ll return”.
I'm a teacher and I like to do superhero impressions before class to put students in a good mood.
The other day I told them I was going to do an imitation of Batman, so I started off with:
"Argh… kryptonite, getting weaker…"
"THAT'S SUPERMAN!" a student in the back row yelled
"Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot", I replied.
My gf wasn’t impressed when she asked me to leave the door ajar
My roommate is getting annoyed because I won't stop my flamingo impression.
So I've had to put my foot down.
People who aren't impressed by pictures of a Black Hole clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation.
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
My mother’s leg was amputated 2 years ago. I wrote this punderful post to make her smile. It was more than successful and also impressed her doctor.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.
He said, “You’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”
What do you call impressing a skinny man named "Terry"?
I burned an impressive 2,000 calories today.
That’s the last time I fall asleep with brownies in the oven.
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!
The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.
The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.
The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.
The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"
Want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
I dont like tractors any more
Superman can to do a lot of impressive things but...
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
My friend tries to impress women by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction!
Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
