excruises
Because of all the sand which is there.
…all because of those damn security cameras.
No one has what it takes.
Especially if they are empty.
There was no point.
I said that’s not nececelery true.
They always Pikachu
You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Neither have I, but I've been told it was incredibly sofishticated...
It’s always passed tents!
Uncle version in the comments...!
Your house will be fully Santatized.
You can only have a dip
I never met herbivore
I said that's impossible, my dogs don't have bikes
Because you need to look up down
“Luke, I know what you are getting for your birthday.” “No!” shouts Luke, “You can’t know what I’m getting for my birthday” and launches an attack. Darth Vader counters and says again, “Luke, I do know what you are getting for your birthday.” “Impossible!” shouts Luke, “You can’t possibly know what I’m getting” and attacks again. Vader calmly says again, “Luke, I really do know what you are getting for your birthday… I felt your presents.”
Impossible Beef
But a pelican!
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Wife and I were having sushi, she ordered a rainbow roll and asked if I wanted piece
I told her I would have the piece on the end... Just for the Halibut.
I was impressed at how well she controlled the impulse to stab me with the chop sticks.
Son: That is un-possible!!!!!
Old family jokes, which means I’m sure variations are out there for both of them that most of you have heard
#1- an elderly woman is watching her normal sitcoms when suddenly the news cuts into her show to show live footage of a madman driving the wrong way on the interstate! Worried sick, she calls her husband, and says “honey, there’s a madman driving the wrong way on the highway! Be careful on your way home!” Her husband responds irritated, “what are you talking about? There’s not only one madman! There are hundreds of them!”
#2- a cop pulls over a man who was speeding. He approaches the car and asks for license and registration. The driver says, “I’m sorry officer, I can’t do that! You see, this car is stolen so the registration isn’t under my name! Also, the gun I used to steal the car is in there and I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable!”
The cop is obviously a bit flustered, and asks for the man to roll down his back windows to look in the backseat. The man replies, “honestly officer that’s impossible, as I have 10 kilos of cocaine in the footwells and don’t want to expose them to outside!”
At this point the cop is quite worried and has his gun drawn, asking the driver to open the trunk! The driver replies “officer, I’m afraid I can’t do that due to the two bodies I have in my trunk!”
At this, the officer runs back to his car and radios for backup.
After about 10 minutes, the police sergeant drives up and with his gun drawn asks the man for his license and registration. The driver says, “absolutely sergeant, no problem” and hands him a perfectly normal and legal registration and license.
The sergeant then says, “and I hear you have drugs in the back seat!”
“Oh not at all, sergeant!” Says the man, opening the back window. The car is very clean and the footwells empty.
Confused, the sergeant then asks: “what about your trunk? I hear you have two dead bodies in there?”
“Not at all officer”, says the man, “only my groceries!” Popping the trunk, it’s obvious there’s nothing wrong with the driver or the vehicle.
“I don’t understand; my officer told me you told him all of these things. What’s going on?!”
The driver responds “I bet he told you I was speeding, too, didn’t he?”
You might have heard of it. It's called Tryopenin.
Cruise control.
I mean... Did I really have to write the answer?
Improbable.
They had to SeverNyah
Since good players are hard to find
Because of all the sand which is there.
No one has what it takes
Because of all the sandwiches there.
I guess the steaks were just too high and I was too much of a chicken. So I tried to move Beyond Meat jokes but found that to be Impossible.
I'm more impressed by the folks that make "I can't believe it's not butter" - very small margarine of error.
I know it's not really dog but I still think that's a faux paw.
You can only "ran", because it's past tents.
Without sounding Australian.
He always get the best of you
It's impossible to put down.
Everyone had to keep going back to Square One
I told her that it is impossible, because he is an only child (the nurse chuckled and said she will use that gem)
I do nothing every day.
I felt your presents!
You can only ran, it’s past tents.
I don’t even have ovaries!
is it still called a beef ?
