Samsung decided break out into the IED Industry with the Note7
They heard it was booming
I pun with subtlety on these dating apps
Idk if this counts, but I was pleasantly surprised with the featured comment.
I must admit, I joined this subreddit despite not being a dad.
I’m a faux pa.
Edit: This took off a lot better than I expected.
I feel like a father figure now.
I absolutely hate crossing t's
Dotting i's is okay since it's just a dot, but t's are where I draw the line.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
In 2017 I didn't jog. In 2018 I didn't jog. In 2019 I didn't jog. In 2020 I still haven't jogged.
My wife is mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I had to remove your colon
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..."
“They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Edit: My first ever attempt at a dad joke, and i never thought i would get anywhere this much upvotes. Thank y'all so much!
Oh damn guess I get to keep my tip
Well I mean I would be mad...
I'm making a new documentary series on how to fly an aeroplane
We're currently filming the pilot
I bought this book but had to return it for all the fowl language
Thought I would toss this one in
I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. I’m pretty bummed.
Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
My wife asked me if she's the only one I've been with.
I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
Edit: Thanks for the silver. My first ever award!
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...
'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.
Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.
I didn't SEE that coming..
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
I can't believevits not butter
I’m in charge of the reader board at work
Pokemon cards? Yeah i've got a small collection.
How does two German car enthusiast cowboys greet each other?
Sorry guys , I just lost my Virg-
I throw up whenever i hear a joke
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because if it were served warm it would be justwater
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
What is the difference between an old bus station and a crab with a boob job?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
What starts with a W and ends with a T.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
I'm just going to leave it here
My friend in the country couldn’t afford his water bill...
So I sent him a ‘Get Well Soon!’ card.
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
So proud of my 6 year old. While teaching her to hit a softball, I told her to “square up on the ball”
She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...
... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.
Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.
I bought my friend an Elephant for her room...
She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"
My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”
I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”
Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?
I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such a random way to start a conversation.
This is a great sub to discover because I love telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he even laughs.
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
5YO: "Dad, I'm hungry AND DON'T SAY HI HUNGRY I'M DAD"
Me: "wow ... that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
I bought a new pair of gloves today...
...but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
I was a Dad at work the other day
My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).
Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."
Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."
Coworker: "Yeah?"
Me: "Squeak Squeak."
Coworker: *Sigh*
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I’m proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough
I’ve just handed in my Too weak notice.
Should I give it another stab or leaf it as is?
My wife came up to me and said "I'm pregnant"
I said "Hi pregnant, I'm going to be Dad"
I took a poll the other day.
Turns out 100% of people get angry when their tents fall down.
You know what? I think I can.
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!
I too am supportive of farmers
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake...
... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!
Happy cake day to meeeeee!
I had a job as a garbage collector, it was very depressing...
... I was often down in the dumps.
I was going to tell you a chemistry joke...
But I didnt think I would get a reaction
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen.
I can feel it.
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word.
I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I quizzed my daughter, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?" Reluctantly, she admitted, "I have no idea. What?" I chuckled...
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...
...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
I hate that I laughed so hard at this
I actually lived a dad joke. (Details below)
I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, “Hey, don’t try to start anything in here”
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What do you call a belt made of $100 bills?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to build a community swimming pool.
So, I handed him a glass of water.
Some fan art I made today
I don't think it worked out
I keep asking iris why some people have dyslexia, but she won't answer.
Maybe my iPhone is just broken.
My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she'll slam my head on the keyboard...
...but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him..
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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