My wife got mad at me because I wouldnβt stop singing βIβm a Believerβ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 02 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I'm getting hungry
π︎ 5k
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iβm a man, everybody I know says Iβm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iβm a 4-person family
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 28 2021
Iβm about to share a joke thatβll turn r/dadjokes upside down
π︎ 614
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Iβm flushed
π︎ 178
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︎ Apr 12 2021
This bloke said to me: βIβm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.β
I said: βIs that a fret?'
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︎ Apr 07 2021
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
π︎ 518
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I'm reading a book where the main character has a spine injury.
π︎ 275
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︎ Apr 09 2021
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I'm sorry for this
π︎ 530
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
π︎ 391
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︎ Apr 01 2021
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
π︎ 2k
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Idk I'm too single to understand
π︎ 79
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︎ Mar 30 2021
I'm starting to write a book about a tornado disaster
It's just a draft at the moment.
π︎ 295
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︎ Mar 05 2021
Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 23 2021
I'm older that all those falcons...
π︎ 68
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︎ Apr 07 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.
Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Two horses in a field, one says to the other βIβm so hungry, I could eat a horseβ
The other replies βmoooβ
π︎ 323
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︎ Mar 20 2021
I'm not prepared
π︎ 81
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︎ Apr 13 2021
And Iβm sure he felt the burn too!
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 30 2021
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Iβm driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
π︎ 100
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︎ Mar 27 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
This one is bad. Iβm so sorry.
π︎ 191
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Iβm sure heβs thrilled
π︎ 54
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︎ Apr 01 2021
A lumberjack was just about to chop down a tree when, miraculously, the tree said, "don't chop me down! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack stepped back and said, "really? well, you'll die a log."
π︎ 25
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︎ Apr 13 2021
I'm not sure I am that hungry
π︎ 33
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I'm selling some racing geese
If you want to have a quick gander
π︎ 44
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︎ Apr 12 2021
Dad joke but.. I'm a mother..
What Job did Beethoven get after he died?
He decomposed.
π︎ 296
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I'm no fan of Indian food
To me, it's a naan starter....
π︎ 15
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︎ Apr 10 2021
I canβt believe Iβm being evicted for telling a joke about a llama
I guess alpaca my bags and leave
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 04 2021
Iβm voting for the Rock for president..
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I'm here all week! Try the veal!
π︎ 82
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︎ Mar 08 2021
"Hey dad, I'm trans"
"I have no son"
"Thanks for supporting me"
I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me
Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!
π︎ 253
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 21 2020
BF: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- [translation: IβM SORRY]
GF: What's that?
BF: Remorse code.
π︎ 261
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Yesterday my mother explained me that I couldn't eat a cheese sandwich because I'm lactose intolerant.
But I just couldn't completely digest it.
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 13 2021
People say Iβm a plagiarist.
π︎ 38
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︎ Mar 30 2021
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
π︎ 16
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︎ Apr 13 2021
I'm reading a horror book in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
π︎ 178
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︎ Feb 27 2021
My boss just told me that Iβm the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I'm sorry I'm bad at making puns
π︎ 32
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︎ Mar 27 2021
Iβve recently discovered Iβm terrified of elevators, so Iβm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iβm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! π€©
π︎ 17k
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, βIβm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!β I shot back...
π︎ 107
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︎ Mar 29 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf
The news was very hard to hear
π︎ 245
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︎ Feb 24 2021
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