A hospital pun in these covid times!
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︎ Jan 05 2021
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
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︎ Apr 04 2021
Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
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︎ Apr 15 2021
What's the biggest difference between male patients in a mental hospital and their female nurses?
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.
But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
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︎ Apr 14 2021
A toothless old lady in hospital always gave away the peanuts she was given by her visitors to the nurses to eat.
One day a nurse asked her why she didn't ask for grapes instead of nuts.She replied that you can't get grapes with chocolate coating!
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︎ Apr 16 2021
Who is the coolest person at the hospital
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︎ Apr 03 2021
I told a joke about hemorrhoids in a hospital the other day.
It didn't sit well with some of the patients.
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︎ Feb 25 2021
I've just lost my job at the hospital, shaving patients in preparation for spinal surgery...
Because of all the cut backs.
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︎ Mar 10 2021
Which part of a hospital is the best place to play hide and seek?
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︎ Mar 21 2021
My son asked me why I bought a saddle for my father whoβs in the hospital
I said, βBecause heβs bedriddenβ
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︎ Mar 23 2021
Did you hear about the priest who was admitted into the hospital with over two dozen little plastic horses lodged in his rectum.
Doctors say he is in stable condition.
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︎ Mar 20 2021
What did the hospital say to the man with 100% of his left side missing?
The doctor says βHeβs alrightβ
The nurse follows βThereβs nothing left!
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︎ Mar 19 2021
When pornstars go to hospital....
....do they get XXX rays ?
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︎ Mar 13 2021
What part of the hospital has the least privacy?
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︎ Nov 28 2020
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.
He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"
"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
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︎ Dec 10 2020
I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital with my little kids...
...but they found me in the ICU.
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︎ Mar 04 2021
What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you're covered, but, you're not.
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︎ Feb 01 2021
My grandson was taken to the hospital because he swallowed a $5 bill
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︎ Feb 13 2021
Why was the casket sent to hospital?
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︎ Mar 04 2021
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
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︎ Jan 15 2021
My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. βTwo EMTs?β I asked her...
...donβt you mean βpair oβ medicsβ?
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︎ Nov 16 2020
A guy wakes up in hospital and screams, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs."
Doctor replies, "Of course not, I've cut off your arms."
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︎ Feb 02 2021
*calls mum * son : I'm in hospital but don't worry everything is fine
Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time
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︎ Dec 24 2020
What was the mental health hospital's primary charity program?
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︎ Feb 02 2021
My daughter recently found a photo of her in the hospital when she was a baby
She noticed a blanket and asked if it was womb temperature. I laughed and thought sheβd make a great dad one day while my wife tried to not smile
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︎ Feb 11 2021
The hospital I stayed in was robbed!
I guess you could say there were pirates of the Care-I-Be-In.
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Why do they condition hospital I.V. bottles?
Because everyone loves smooth saline!
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︎ Feb 10 2021
My wife gave birth to our baby boy otw to the hospital...
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︎ Nov 26 2020
She gives birth at the hospital entrance.
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Which hospital ward is observed the most?
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︎ Jan 16 2021
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I canβt believe Iβve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didnβt have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
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︎ Apr 22 2020
The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors
I hear itβs cause they donβt want Covid going around....
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.
Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .
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︎ Nov 27 2020
Where is the worst place to hid in a hospital?
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︎ Dec 11 2020
What do you call the section of hospital dedicated to squid?
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.
I said, they absolutely have space- heβs only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
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︎ Jan 13 2021
My buddy Jerry had to get taken to the hospital, unfortunately it looked like he needed to be operated on. He was unconscious and when he came to, he asked βwhatβs going to happen, am I going to be alright?β
I told him; βSurgeryβ.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Whoβs the nicest guy at the hospital?
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︎ Nov 23 2020
One day a man took his wife to a restaurant instead of a hospital
The restaurant had free delivery
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︎ Jan 01 2021
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.
I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
What hospital ward is john cena afraid of?
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︎ Nov 07 2020
A man was admitted to the hospital for horses in him
Heβs in stable condition
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︎ Feb 17 2021
Are we playing peekaboo in a hospital?
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I called my parents and told them not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.
They told me "You're the doctor and this wasn't funny the first time".
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︎ Oct 23 2020
My wife gave birth to our son in our car on the way to the hospital
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︎ Nov 26 2020
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