My 9 year old told me this: What happens if you party to hard on May the Fourth?
>! Revenge of the Fifth!<
I'm working hard on something now so I can peacefully do nothing in retirement...
So I'm givin it all for nothing
Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
I remember when Viagra was the only hard-on medication...
Nowadays there seems to be a lot of stiff competition.
My son asked me for something hard to write on
I don't know why he got so mad, sand is pretty hard to write on
I feel kinda stupid and kinda proud for coming up with this (drawing on a phone is hard)
I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. “Ouch!” I yelled
“YOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief.
“ME-ow”
My dog pooped on the deck yesterday and now it's all hard.
I don’t know why I have such a hard time putting on a scarf.
I just can’t wrap my head around it.
What’s the hard stuff that develops on cows’ teeth?
Sorry for tye bad crop its hard to edit on phone for me.
Apparently that new tropical storm is really hard to track. I keep seeing on the news TROPICAL STORM ETA
but they never say when it’ll hit.
Son: There's no salt on this. Mom: Well, it's hard to see salt.
Dad: But can you table salt?
Mom: I don't know, let's discuss that next time.
Edit: To be honest I'm a little salty about the bland reaction this dad/mom joke got :)
Why did the snowman get a hard on?
He heard the snowblower coming
My son did not watch were he was going and slammed faced down on hard surface
Being a wheelchair user must be wheelie hard to move on especially when someone walks out on you
Man I worked hard on this for my first post, it has LAYERS
In these hard times of 2020, I know two things you can always count on,
A calculator and an abacus....
My circumcision was really hard on me...
I couldn't walk for a year afterward.
I was out in the desert on psychedelics , and I started tripping way too hard. So I took an acid reducer.
It didn't help me one bit!!!!
Tried this on daddit and it was not well received, got a hard eye roll and a giggle from my daughter, am I doing this right? I need some help with my leeky bowl.
I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.
The plane I was on had a fairly hard landing...
Flight attendant gets on the intercom:
“That was not the Captain’s fault. That was not our fault. That was the asphalt.”
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Come on Harry, it’s not that hard.
I was at the beach today and there was a group of pelicans not doing anything. I concentrated hard on one pelican and suddenly if flew out to the water, snagged a fish in his bill and flew back to shore. "Wow", I thought to myself..
Pelikinesis is a real thing.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t
Why have bakeries been having such a hard time holding on to employees lately?
Because their turnover rates are on the rise.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
What does a Russian bride get on her wedding day that's long and hard?
For five years, I've been drawing visual pun puzzles and putting them up on Mondays. They're kinda hard but really fun to solve. Here are a few.
imgur.com/a/4s6Qf
Like a lot of people, I had a hard time deciding on what to do after finishing school.
After some thought, I decided to go home.
While all physical labor jobs are hard on your body...
...Coal miners really get the shaft.
I hate people who steal phones, it's always hard to call them on it
Before falling on hard times, the tooth fairy used to be a lawyer.
Now she wants the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
I remember my dad pulled out the seat i was about to sit on, and i fell hard on my butt. He then said....
"Well, i guess you fell for that"
"Police work is hard on my back"
The wife was nattering on and on at the outdoor maze, it was hard for me to say anything.
i couldn't get a word in hedgeways
Did I ever tell you about the hard-working mechanic who had to push his car five miles on its hubcaps?
Giving our newly on the job waitress a hard time
Waitress: And what can I get for you Sir?
Dad: I'll take the Parmesan Encrusted Steak please.
Waitress: What temperature would you like that cooked?
Dad: 500...... KELVIN!
Me (facepalming): ...He'd like his steak medium...
On my way back from Thanksgiving holiday, the flight had to make a slightly hard landing due to the crosswind. Then the flight attendant announces: " Sorry for the slightly bumpy landing. It wasn't the Captain's fault, most definitely not the my fault...
It was the Asphalt."
The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)
My daughter asked me to get her something hard to write on
So I brought her some sand.
My daughter asked me to bring her something hard to write on, but I don’t know why she got so mad at me...
It’s pretty hard to write on sand...
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