There was a remake of Die Hard done by fish

The antagonist was Hans Grouper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConradFlick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Did you know in Germany the Tom Cruise movie β€˜The Firm’ is the sequel to Die Hard?

Die Firma

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maximumfunpriv
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad made another dad joke but this time it was die hard 5 instead of die hard 4.

You may have seen my other post a couple weeks back about die hard 4 and it got really popular and now my dad has made another joke and I want to prove to him that this was a bad one.

When the Russian guy was pushed off the building by mcclaines son and sliced by the helicopter, my dad said, β€œhe got choppered.” Am I wrong or was this one a bad one?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nessmainsarescum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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A pun my sister edited in snapchat and then sent to me: A Good Data Die Hard
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAlkyunit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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The death at the end of Die Hard was the best one

Hans down.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFowlOwl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
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If Disney, who own Marvel, also acquire 20th century Fox, they could remake Die Hard

With Avengers

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iplaymeinreallife
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
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I've never understood why the 'Die Hard' sequel is called, 'Die Hard 2'.

It should have been called, 'Dice Hard'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/conundrumbombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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What did Mulan and John McClane from Die Hard have in common?

They both set out to defeat the Hans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ask-a-physicist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2016
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Pun Request: Die Hard and Lord of the Rings

My friend and I are doing a stupid audio trailer for a mash-up called Old Hobbits Die Hard and we're looking for a few dumb puns to stick in as lines said or something like that. We already have a few, including "Yippee ki yay Mr. Frodo." Thanks for any help you can give!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moltenpanther
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2015
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I am a die hard Bruce Willis fan.
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2015
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:/ Watching Die-hard when my dad said..

"You know, I'm the real motherfucker."

:(

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2014
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I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits

Pulp fiction.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daymanahaha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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The inventor of Hard and Shoulders shampoo died. At the funeral, his wife gave a 20 minute moving eulogy...

There wasn't a dry scalp in the place!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Tragic news! Bruce Willis has died while on viagra medication.

He died hard.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him :( onelinefun.com
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
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I saw my enemy in the supermarket, so I threw a bunch of "Thank You" cards at him. It turns out one of the cards hit him so hard that he died in hospital.

I was always told that you should kill them with kindness.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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My dad made the dadliest of jokes.

We were watching die hard 4 and we got to the bit where the evil hacker guy shoots most of the people he was working with. I was a bit confused so I said,” hang on, weren’t they working for him?” My dad then proceeded to say,”not any more. They just got fired.” It was such a bad joke but definitely a great dad joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nessmainsarescum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Elon Mask
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_noob369
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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Allways had a hard time with my pets dying in situations related to their names

But I suppose I shouldn't have called all my lemmings Cliff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manxninja23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.

also in the news:

Patients who have died or been admitted to intensive care with Covid-19 have been found to be deficient in a vitamin found in spinach, eggs, and hard and blue cheeses, raising hopes that dietary change might be one part of the answer to combating the disease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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Bilbo Baggins lived for 131 years and smoked all his life

I guess old hobbits die hard

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PygmeePony
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Do you know why Bruce Willis is a hobbit?

Because old hobbits die hard.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silentpl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is elated that Bruce Willis is coming to his college to give a talk...

He's a die hard fan.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Bruce Willis unfortunately passed away this morning.

Due to it being in the morning, he died hard.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FannyH8r
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Tip of my tongue

Guys, help me out here. I can't remember the name of this old action movie. Bilbo Baggins has to stop a terrorist plot and save his wife in the Nakatomi Towers. Oh, that's it.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigchefpeter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
So 3 nuns die and go to Heaven and are at the pearly gates...

After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each."

The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?"

She says: "Adam and Eve!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?"

She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the last nun - the mother superior - and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?"

Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one..."

The saint lets her right into Heaven.

The End.

πŸ‘︎ 282
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thora-suan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, β€œNow you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams β€œTria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. β€œWhat did you say” asked the chief. β€œTria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

β€œHoly shit” said Bob β€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

β€œWell” said Frank, β€œmy Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernamemispeled
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Did you guys know that, in Germany, the Tom Cruise 'The Firm' is actually just the Die Hard sequel?

Die Firma

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maximumfunpriv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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The penultimate death at the end of Die Hard was the best one

Hans down

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFowlOwl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Love_Cheeses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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My friend died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept saying β€œBe Positive,” but it’s hard without him
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VacuumPanic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type

As he died he kept on insisting for us to β€œbe positive”, but it’s hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CubbyK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day I had a friend ask me what I thought about Bruce Willis

Told him I'm a Die Hard fan

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/axiomaticsteve
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

πŸ‘︎ 411
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What would Tolkien have said if he were asked to quit smoking?

Bad hobbits die hard.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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My Dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting that we "be positive", but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImpulseValex
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2017
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My dad passed away last year because my family didn't know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.

As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/julp04
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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