Never go fishing with a dj

They keep dropping the bass

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/db720
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling β€œI stepped on a Bee!”

I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...

Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.

Apparently I had dropped one...

Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....

A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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Why are DJs bad fishing buddies?

Because they keep dropping the bass.

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can't DJ's find work in the seafood industry?

Because they are always dropping the bass

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Breachx4002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
"That was so baaaad, Dad"

I remembered a good Dad joke moment.

My wife and I had picked up our daughter and two of her friends. They were in the back of our minivan.

My wife inquired about one of the kids mothers that she was friends with since we hadn't seen them in a while. They moved because of work to another town.

I guess the job was going well and they were making a good deal of money. The kid said, "She doing good, but she's spending a lot of money. She remodeled the kitchen and bought 4K TVs."

They kept chatting lightly and when there was a lull in conversation, I quietly said, "That's a lot of TVs." Just loud enough for everyone to hear but not loud enough to really demand anyone listen.

But then it happened. An uncomfortable pause - the fabled pregnant pause - and they started talking again. No one said anything about it but I knew it landed.

After we dropped the kids off, the first thing my daughter said, "That was SO bad. "

This was at LEAST 10 minutes after I said it. She had been thinking about that joke the whole time. She said the other kids were like looking around like WTF?

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loosebag
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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How can you tell the gender of an ant?

Drop it in water. If its sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/db720
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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I used to date a stewardess from Helsinki

I dropped her off at work one day and she vanished into Finnair

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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I used to go fishing with Skrillex ...

but he kept dropping the bass.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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My wife and I don't want kids

So if anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lez566
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Stupid computer!

I dropped my computer on my foot and now...

it megahertz. :D

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend told me that the ball drop was a minute late

The ball was dropped at the ball drop.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fleeves
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street holding a bag of pasta upside down...

And then the penne dropped.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I was a DJ performing at a fishing dock

You should've seen it when I dropped the bass

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fr1ckreddit420
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.

They're always dropping the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elnateo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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My wife asked me, β€œWhy don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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The key to falling asleep quickly is to sleep at the edge of the bed.

You'll soon drop off.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/West_Yorkshire
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to University to study to be a doctor.

Unfortunately, I had to drop out. I just didn't have the patients.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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Why can't blind people eat ocean fish?

Because it's see-food!

my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.

edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.

thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberrich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make sure your drug deals remain perfectly neutral?

You drop acid and touch base!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PiRRoundNotSquare
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do action heroes do when they die?

They drop kick the bucket.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Burpmeister
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A duck walks into a bar

and orders a drink, then a little while after he finished that drink he ordered another and he accidentally drops the glass containing the drink and he says to the waitress put it on my bill, so the waitress begins to grab the glass shards that were on the ground and carefully placed them on the ducks bill and the duck asks what are you doing and the waitress says I’m putting it on your bill and the duck sarcastically says ohhhh you really quack me up and the waitress says oh I'm sorry did I ruffle your feathers.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-awsome-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Guys stop making jokes about bass

Seriously just drop it

im sorry u read this

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Comsicwastaken
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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DROP YOUR BEST PUNS FOR HISTORY DRINKING GAME

I'm creating a drinking game where every important event equals to drinking, but I am nowhere close to NAMING my drinking game. A friend of mine recommended this subreddit, saying that people drop some really punny puns here. Give your ideas for a title, I think up to 6 words would be okay.

Let's see what you can do!

What you need to know about the game:

  • You can create your timeline based on packages (ages, countries, continents, etc).
  • Every important event has a normal action and drinking action.
  • You never know in which year you are located but get an estimate year. You can either guess the year (or date) and get a free pass or you have to execute the action or drinking action. When you guess wrong, you'll have to double it.

That's basically it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tyounr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Grandad always hated the milkman

My grandad always hated the milkman. Every time the guy limped up to the door (he’d had his foot damaged in the war) to drop off our delivery grandad would always grumble and mutter. I asked the old man what he had against the milkman. I never got a good answer.

It wasn’t until years later that I figured out that grandad was just lack toes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlephInfite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

πŸ‘︎ 391
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: Son, have you seen my eye drops?

Son: Oh. Looks like I dropped them

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LikeTheHurricane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The key to a great Thanksgiving dinner is...

The tur-KEY.

Also, the key to a fun visit to the zoo is the mon-key.

And the key to a great science fiction movies is a Woo-key.

To ensure the maximum amount of eye-rolls, casually drop these into the conversation several minutes apart.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
to get into firefighter school

you need to stop drop enroll

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Some Christmas Dad Jokes

Why are Santas reindeer generally drenched with water?

Because they are rain-deer.

Why did Santa have to visit the psychologist?

He had low elf esteem.

source

Why are Christmas trees so uncoordinated when it comes to sewing?

They always drop their needles.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a hungry mosquito?

Frostbite

​What did Adam say to Eve on the night before Christmas day?

It's Christmas Eve!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bmantis311
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife looked shocked....

When I dropped that toaster in the bath.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What building has the most stories?

The library. (Daughter dropped this on me yesterday. So proud!)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Make_it_perfect
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
School Drop off Conversation

A Conversation I had with my Daughter when I dropped her off at school

Me: Hey so you know how your cats are always running around all over the place right?
Daughter: Yeah why?
Me: So When they stop moving are they on Paws?
Daughter: Face Palms and says "OKAY DAD BYEEE!!!"
Me: YESSSS! Fist Pump!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajmansell
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t DJs find work in the seafood industry?

Because they are always dropping the bass.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Valgaras
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to date a air hostess from Helsinki...

I dropped her off to work last week and she just vanished into Finnair.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me, β€œWhy don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I don't want kids

So if anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lez566
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
When does a farmer dance?

When the beet drops.

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCraay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Two bananas are sitting at a drag strip

When the light drops the first banana split, the other peeled out.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorMinceMeat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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I tried fishing with Eminem today

It didn't go too well as he kept on dropping the bass

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AttemptsMade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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My wife said to me: ''Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?''

So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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They were never going to let my president win this election

But I'm not mad. He'll drop an album or two and Kanye will be back in 4 years.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SarcasmJedi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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