"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
If only they knew, I was just trying to put my socks on.
Eins -> one
Wife from upstairs : hey hun can you bring me a heartburn pill before coming up the stairs?
Me from downstairs: how am I going to bring the pill to you before coming up the stairs?
http://imgur.com/fm36oJ1
the hospice nurse asked him how he was feeling, (this is only hours before he died) he looks her dead in the eyes and says "With my Fingers!"
My sister was talking about traveling.
Sister - "I think I'm going to stay in a hostel."
Dad - "Wouldn't it be better to stay in a friendly?"
The bells were wrong because of testing and rung too early. My teacher replied "sit down the bells are off today" I said "No, they are clearly on!"
He brought me an apple he cut up and put on a plate. I said thanks and reached for it... and he instead put it on this weird ledge that sticks out next to my door.
"Hey, have a snack....
...it's on the house."
http://imgur.com/QCGqz1k
coworker is explaining the difference between tablets, phablets and phones to another coworker
Me: So if you're watching porn, does that make it a Phaplet?
From a few years ago in my college days: Friends I sitting around watching Archer. My friends Canadian Fiance is practicing her citizen test and when the commercials start, she asks "How many US Presidents are there?" I say "...one...." Groans from everyone and a death stare from her.
http://youtu.be/q-d8JufG7e8
Coworker walks in after getting off a heated phone call with her boyfriend. Coworker: "I swear, some people don't make sense." Me: "I prefer making dollars instead of 'cents', make more money that way."
Most of them hate me up here already, so I figured, "Why not?"
I was eating lunch with my two friends and one of their dads today. The dad picks up a french fry from his plate and announces to the table:
"I can turn this fry into a dragon."
The entire table knew something groan-inducing was about to transpire.
(Holds the fry up and shows the table) "See, it's a fry now."
(Starts rubbing the fry against the table top) "And now it's a draggin'."
Faces leapt into palms and collective groaning was had.
I was out looking at beds with the family.
Wife: "I really like this bed."
Me: "I like it too, but I think this one is bedder."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
Theoretical Fizz-ics
It's as bad as the last two jokes you heard Combined.
(My son just told me this one 💪)
E: I misspelled "Fibonacci" in title🤦
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: groan
I have just run over a NUN
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
Try this on for sighs.
They can't seem to stomach seitan.
Might be an old one that someone else's said but it made me chuckle.
I call it a cloaking device.
My wife groaned, that's good enough for me.
Perpuptual
They always single file, to hide their numbers.
The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this because of a coo sticks.
Bernadette.
*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.
Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"
Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."
Me: "Then don't open the door!"
Sis: *groans
What's the opposite of an Octagon?
An Octa-returned!
That's what I call luck of the IRS
He had a reptile dysfunction
One of my wife's bosses is from China with the family name Wong.
Wife was telling me that said boss just had a baby a few months ago.
(At this moment, my dad powers started kicking in...)
Me: "Huh, that's cool. When her husband visits the office next time, you should ask them if the baby's Caucasian."
Wife: "What?! Why?"
Me: Cause I wanna know if two 'Wongs' make a 'White'..."
Her eyes rolled so hard they detached.
Edit: Thanks for front page folks! Glad I could make you laugh (or groan...)
Edit 2: Thank you for the gold!
Edit 3: WIFE'S IN THE THREAD!! Abort! Abort! Wee woo wee woo wee woo
When it leaves and never comes back
I saw her snatch.
These two guys from Canada founded a new college. They called it The Canada Institution. The first guy says to the second guy, "We need to think of a shorter name, can you think of one?" The second guy says, "I don't know, Can I?"
Cumin Resources
I read her r/dadjokes
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
"No way!"
"YAHWEH!"
That way you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
Good players are hard to find.
A sandwitch
A stick.
