Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas
Lucille: “I have to get Dusty ice cream.” GF: “Dusty ice cream doesn’t sound very good”
My wife and I are signing our loan docs today with the title company.
Wife: "I don't get why you sign your name so fast but write the date so slow."
Me: "I guess ever since we got married I don't date as often as I used to."
Title Lady: "Booooooo."
She later acknowledged that she hadn't heard that one in 21 years of doing her job. I've never been so proud and ashamed at the same time.
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts??? Beer nuts are $1.25 and deer nuts are under a buck...
Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.
The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied:
"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
Here is an example!
Every morning the Trids got up, ate breakfast, and marched over the bridge to Tridville to work. One morning, a troll moved in under the bridge. When the Trids tried to cross the bridge, the troll climbed up and kicked the Trids all the way back to their homes. The Trids decided to take the day off in hopes that the troll would go away, but the next morning the troll once again climbed up onto the bridge and kicked them back to their homes. In desperation, the Trids decided to ask the Rabbi for help. So the next morning the Rabbi walked across the bridge several times but never saw the troll. He went home believing the troll had indeed moved on. When the Trids tried to cross the bridge afterward, the troll climbed up again and kicked the Trids back home. The Rabbi returned to the bridge and called out for the troll. When the troll appeared, the Rabbi asked why he was allowed to cross the bridge but not the Trids. The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
As I sat in the office lunchroom today, the topic of Game of Thrones came up, what with it's impending new season this Sunday. As we were discussing it, I mentioned that I couldn't hear a single bit of Swedish in Nickolaj Waldau's voice. My co-worker retorted that he could hear it quite a bit, and that I was perhaps accustomed to the accent, and thus tuning it out.
I replied, without quite thinking, that it was quite a Stark difference. There was silence between the six of us, followed by groans.
Did you hear about the broken change machine?
It doesn't make cents.
How about the skunk that couldn't spray?
It doesn't make scents either.
Dealing with home services and customers, need to check ID. Routine ID check and I though the customer's name was Irene so I say "Ok Irene, let's get into your account here..."
Icene: "It's Icene"
Me: "Oh wow, really? double checks ID Wow! That's wicked, I've never heard that name before that's really interesting!"
pause
Me: "Well... I guess, now Icene it."
Icene groans, and my coworker and his customer start laughing, and I couldn't help but smile :D
Dad: What do gangstas call each other in Oklahoma?
Me: No idea Dad, what?
Dad: Oklahomies
One day at a US immigration office, a man walked in seeking citizenship. The desk clerk began the usual questioning: "name, occupation, country of origin"? The man replied, " Juan Martinez, illusionist, Mexico".
During the process Juan made small talk and displayed his talent as an illusionist. The clerk found him to be a charming, funny, and charismatic man, which put the normally grouchy clerk in a great mood!
The clerk was so enamored by Juan, he let him skip the formalities and allowed him straight into the US.
After Juan left, a coworker asked the clerk why he would allow a man to just walk in to the US. To which the clerk responded...
"For once in my long career working in immigration, I was truly amazed and entertained by a potential citizen, so I decided to waive a magic Juan"!
http://i.imgur.com/Bum1Jzn.jpg "Black to the Fuschia". Ugh.
So after band practice, we have to shove everything back into my horribly shaped trunk (coupe). So my bassists amp is stuck, and singer is just watching us try to pull it out.
"Guess we really JAMMED it in there"
...
Friend: Do you know who I ran into today?
Me:who?
Friend:Lucy
Me: Oh, did it hurt?
Everyone involved:eye roll
First one, we were in some really bad St. Paddy's Day traffic. The people around us were honking and getting pissed and cutting each other off. She remarked that "someone's gonna get in an accident...well, in this case it would be an 'on purpose.'"
Second one, we were at the zoo and I pointed out the zebras, saying that I had spotted them. "Uh, don't you mean you striped them?"
What type of band plays snappy music? A rubber band.
I said much to my chagrin, she replied "at least its not a cha-frown"
Manager and coworker were bantering, and coworker says "yo, I thought we were cool!"
Manager said "like the other side of the pillow"
Buddy and I are driving and are cut off by a beat up old hearse swinging across several lanes to turn right:
Buddy: Where the **** is he going?
Me: I don't know, but I guess he's dying to get there.
Several days later on FB..
Friend: Avacados are the MOST disgusting things ever.
Me: I'm actually an advocato for the things.
Me: "The gecko felt so weird, it was sticking but didn't feel sticky"
Dad: "Did it try to sell you life insurance?"
How is it possible for all of these frogs to populate so quickly?
I dunno, maybe because they're horny.
The lecture was on urban birds and he was telling us about how Mozart had a pet starling that he loved so much he had a funeral for it after it died.
Mozart even wrote a song for the starling immediately after it passed away.
You could even say that when his pet died Mozart began composing just as the bird began decomposing.
