I think it's time I stopped grinding my own cheese.

It's for the grater good

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarheel6793
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the best tool for grinding beans for iced coffee?

A brrrrr grinder

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/copy_run_start
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I've been seeing a lot of Stump Grinding signs lately.

I wonder what office they're running for.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atrix324
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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This morning, my wife was grinding coffee beans and suddenly said, β€œWe’re through.”

It was grounds for divorce.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that lenses for glasses are produced from a lens grinding machine?

More importantly, did you hear about the guy who got his hand caught in one?

It really made quite the spectacle.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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Grinding an RPG builds character.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freak329
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I was in a nightclub grinding on a girl.

When someone said, "What the fuck are you doing with that skateboard?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
You know what grinds my gears?

Improper lubrication

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you grind orphan wheat?

Self-raising flour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SumFunnyOne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
you know what drives old people up the wall?

stair lifts

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emily-Savage
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
An Axe to Grind

An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.Β 
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.Β 
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what really grinds my gears?

Friction.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manantyagi25
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Coffee has a rough time in our house.

It gets mugged every single morning.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
This years coffee crop

Due to extreme weather, this years coffee crop will be very difficult to grind. Experts fear there may be trouble brewing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Urwinator
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
No one will ever make a successful video game about running a coffee shop.

Gamers would never put up with the amount of grinding required.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/overachievingogre
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I had quite the contentious meeting with the local blacksmith

I had an axe to grind

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My roommate accidentally spilled his coffee grinds this morning...

I told him he was grounded

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πŸ‘€︎ u/momo_marin2897
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what grinds my gears?

Shifting them improperly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fartingfajita
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadowfax1138
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what really grinds my gears?

Worn out synchro rings in my manual gearbox.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Betamax-86
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
You know what really grind my gears. v.redd.it/k6ofdf526rk11
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItzYaBoi25
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
🚨︎ report
You know what really grinds my gears?

Driving in first gear.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What's common between strippers and giants?

They both grind men's bones to make bread

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I build factories where grain is grinded into flour. You might think my job isn't lucrative.

But this year I made one mill.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Some punny jobs

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TTMOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL the first photo was not from 1826, but in fact over 2000 years earlier in ancient egypt:

"TheΒ earliest exampleΒ of a prosthesis ever discovered is not a leg, arm, or even a fake eye, it’s a toe. A big toe, belonging to a noblewoman, was found in Egypt and dated to between 950-710 B.C.E"

...the very, very first faux toe ;)

Non pun related, the egyptians were the first to grind lenses too, not used as glasses but instead inserted into statues for creepy eye effects

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Does anybody remember the movie "Grind"?

Roger Ebert gave it a skating review.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/disintegore
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.

I replied β€œwhat’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LTenaciouSD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What dating app does Tony hawk use?

Grindr

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadyshdy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Just brew it!

I’m building a website for a new cafe and Coworking space opening in the area. The owner loves humour and wants to reflect that in the site. Does anyone have any great puns or other humorous ideas to do with cafes or working spaces? Thanks a million!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Instinct13now
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Wurst Case Scenario
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnifeKnut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?

Time will tell.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2xj59ae
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My lumberjack friend was irate because he had such dull tools to chop trees. So he went to his foreman.

He had an ax to grind.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got MUGGED

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
i can't give you a straight answer
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πŸ‘€︎ u/verything-time
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the coffee paranoid?

It gets mugged everyday

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weiderman316
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
You know what grinds my gears?

Poor lubrication

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nigeriantoast
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
You know what really grinds my gears?

Clutch failure.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lordgeorge16
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you want to know what really grinds my gears?

A blown clutch

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zniper746
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what really grinds my gears?

A metal filer

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FamBoy27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what really grinds my gears?

No pushing in the clutch all the way.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g00secs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
You know what really grinds its gears?

An analog clock.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jchurch8073
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Wanna know what really grinds my gears?

Rust.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/angellego
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What to giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind men’s bones to make their bread.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tsmyth15
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what really grinds my gears???

An ungreased cog

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daborkdabork
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2014
🚨︎ report

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