Puns are glorious
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Edwardsama_702
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza".

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/baguettesniper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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If Donald Trump gets impeached, some people think that he might be

[removed]

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bishslap
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Absolutely glorious
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Crockett62
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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My Dad: Can you tell me a sensible sentence that uses the word 'because', three times, consecutively?

Me: Not today, Dad.

My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face

I use because, because, because is a conjunction.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yours_petpeeve
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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A glorious Maple Leafs flag I saw
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kamiuq
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2019
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This is glorious and I thought you guys might appreciate it.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Corrupted-Peaches
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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what did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?

โ€œrobin, get in the batmobileโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NoPhunlntended
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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Well... Here goes nothing
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Karboz
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2019
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What sound do ceiling fans make?

CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theoxilus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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Just a normal workout
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JuicyChodeWeiner66
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?

You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)

Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I donโ€™t use Facebook so I said Iโ€™d share it here. Heโ€™s practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. Heโ€™s got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.

For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Yeoshua82
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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my whole office groaned at me. it was glorious.

so the events manager was coordinating with the head chef at my job (i work at a hotel).

they were discussing the three types of fish they currently had in stock and people's receptions. the general consensus regarding the first was positive. they moved on to the second which also received rave reviews. they left out discussion of the third. from my chair about 20 yards away i proclaim;

"i guess the third is a whole other fish to fry!"

audible groan from everyone in the office. success.

my dad would be proud.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/king09
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 22 2015
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Soul
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/peter_griffins
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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Which prime number can go into 4?
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/szymond70
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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This run of footwear puns is glorious. thecolbertreport.cc.com/vโ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lmxbftw
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 22 2014
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Meanwhile, at our Christmas dinner table...

Me: "So I've decided to give up studying medicine to become a yoga instructor."

Mum: gets up, pushes her chair in and leaves the dinner table

Me: "Nah, ma! Stay!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/haymalb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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That glorious eye roll...

"What's the MLS team in LA?" Me: "LA Galaxy?" "Yeah, but what were they before that?" Me: "I think they were the LA iPhones"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VeggieLomein
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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I dad joked a room of 200 teenagers...

My job involves me giving presentations to large groups of teenagers. Today, I was telling them about different workshops we have on offer, including African drumming and DJ workshops.

So I said - 'I'd love to tell you a bit more about the DJ workshops, but I'd barely scratch the surface.'

Ever seen 200 teenagers groan and roll their eyes? Glorious :D

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/London_Pride
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
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So I dad joked my girlfriend today and it was glorious.

She was trying on hand me downs from her older sister at the time.

Her: "Oh look hippy dresses"

Me: "Aren't all dresses hippy dresses"

She has probably never been more disappointed in me, it was great.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Taderchip
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Everyone in the car just stopped talking to look at me and sigh. It was glorious.

I just got back in town for the holidays and my family was taking my grandmother to her birthday party. As we were getting in the car my dad asks my grandma, who was in the back seat directly behind him, if she had enough leg room.

Grandma: "Oh, I've got more than enough room. There's a foot between us!"

Me: "That's strange, I'm pretty sure there should be two feet between you..."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MoonRazer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
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Not sure if my daughter's a lawyer or a dad

My daughter asked me to open a bottle of water for her to drink and I did. She took one sip, then started dumping the water onto the floor.

I quickly grabbed the bottle and said, "Hey! That's bad!"

She looked at me and said, "No, it's water."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rosemourne
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2017
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Saw this in Tesco. Couldn't help but wonder what's replacing it?
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shibby_rj
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
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What do you call a Communist sniper?

Marxman

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lawsoffire
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2016
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I won today.

After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit... I quit being your son."

Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning.

It was glorious.

*Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/never_grow_up
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries

But I wasn't sure how to fraise it

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/faceoftheancients
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2016
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Early morning work groans are the best groans

A little too proud of this one...

So Iโ€™m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says โ€œJust so you all know, Iโ€™m on the call but Iโ€™m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distractedโ€.

I couldnโ€™t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against itโ€™s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

โ€œIs your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!โ€

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and โ€œthat was awfulโ€โ€™s... It was glorious. Iโ€™m pretty sure Iโ€™ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OreoGaborio
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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I love it when I dadjoke my dad

Dad and I are on a fishing trip and we have to get up pretty early. My dad was feeling tired and at the breakfast table says "I am just so bagged". To which I replied "I guess that makes you a Baghdad". He never saw it coming.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MasterExploder6
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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Friend of mine posted this on Facebook

Working with dad today : Dad : 'here's sone earplugs mate. You're only getting two .'

Me: 'thats fine I only have two ears '

Dad :' not everyone has two ears you know , some people have three '

Me : ' like who ? '

Dad :' well captain kirk had one left ear , one right ear , and a final frontier '

And my disappointed face leads him into hysterics haha .

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xecuter88
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 07 2014
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Can February March?

No, but April May

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Le_Daft_Knight
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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i'll just leave this here...

http://imgur.com/gallery/uNacI

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ptsiii
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2016
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Made my dad proud with this one!

Mother and I were talking about a trip I have been packing for, and she asks me a specific question while at the table eating breakfast.

Mom: "Do you have a car charger for the van?"

Me: "Mom, we don't charge the van. It runs on gas."

Mom: glares

Dad: chokes on eggs

Edit: Wow. Didn't think this was that funny! Thanks guys for all the glorious upvotes :D

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WhatanUnusualname
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2016
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My 3yr old daughter is showing good signs..

"Hey dad?"

"Yes dear?"

"Hey, im not a DEER!"

Caught me off guard so early in the morn. It was quick, and it was glorious. I need to step my game up before i lose my throne....

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/noididntjustget
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 11 2014
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Got my coworker yesterday.

He was prepping his GRE and I noticed he had a book on word comparisons and grammar, pretty much like those SAT questions in the verbal section. My response after he commented on how reading it has improved his language skills:

"My vocabulary is awful, for lack of a better word."

The resulting groan was glorious.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WajorMeasel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2016
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I came out with this on the street and she nearly pushed me under a bus.

We walked past a well-known tailor, they make fancy men's clothes and school uniforms to measure. She remarked on how she thought it must be an awful job. I saw my moment and it was glorious.

So I turned to her with barely contained glee and I said, "yeah, I'm sure it's tough but I bet it suits some people".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/absurdperson
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2015
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EVERY time we would go out to a fancy restaurant

Maรฎtre d': "Do you have reservations?" Dad: "No, we're pretty sure we want to eat here." [rest of us facepalm]

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kyzylwork
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
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How do pirates denote their intellectual properties?

ยฎ

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mr_Tengu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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Construction with dad

Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them.

"Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall?"

"No, a fence."

"None taken."

He responded with a glorious eye roll. It said, "I'm proud of you, son."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tekhnomancer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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I Am My Father's Daughter

Today, my husband is cooking dinner and I gloriously get to observe. I see he's reaching into the cupboard and taking out the rice, then pipe up,

"Oh, so we are having really small rice then?"

Cue, bewildered look, shortly followed by an impressive groan.

Yep, it was minute rice! My dad would be so proud!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BloominGroovy
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2014
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Not a joke, just some appreciation

I only made this so I didn't have to comment on hundreds of posts, so delete if you want to, mods. I found you glorious bastards literally seconds ago. These puns are absolutely top-notch. Keep up the good work you guys!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Th3_Shr00m
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2017
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Til that they only serve one size of drink in North Korea

The glorious leader

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheManCaveGamer
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2017
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[Request] Pun for the name "Gloria"?

I'm usually good with name puns , but I can't think of a funny way to incorporate it. Some words to help - Glory, Glorious, Galore, Glow, , euphoria...

Edit/update: I used Glorias as in glorious. "I hope you had a Glorias day"

She said, "lmao, your silly".

I think that's a win....?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EDM117
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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No one appreciated this one I busted out at the zoo this weekend.

We're standing at the meerkat exhibit and I said "Do you know how to call a meerkat?" ..." 'mere, cat!"

It was gloriously terrible.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SgtMac02
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 20 2014
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The time my Dad went above and beyond the call of duty, at a formal dinner party

Picture this.

A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.

My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.

This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."

My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"

Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"

My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"

I've never been more proud of him.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rolloxan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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On my way back from Thanksgiving holiday, the flight had to make a slightly hard landing due to the crosswind. Then the flight attendant announces: " Sorry for the slightly bumpy landing. It wasn't the Captain's fault, most definitely not the my fault...

It was the Asphalt."

The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sagarreddit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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Dad joked my friend on Skype by video call.

I was talking to a friend on Skype; at one point, I realised that I had to go to the bathroom.

"I'll be right back, I have to pee," I said.

"All right sure," she replied.

When I left, I put my laptop on the floor, the screen facing upwards, so as to avoid the ventilator being drowned by my duvet.

When I returned, I realised the webcam was pointing toward the ceiling, and I asked her:

"Did you find my ceiling interesting?"'

"Nah, I was looking at something else,"

And then, I saw my chance. It was glorious. Like golden wings borne on scarlet sunlight had brought me to Enlightenment, and I instantly replied with what is perhaps my greatest feat of pun yet:

"You know, that really hurts my ceilings."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Exterrobang
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2014
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Got my co-worker with a twofer

We had been standing for quite a while outdoors:

Her: my back hurts, it makes me feel ancient.

Me: Are you saying you're dinosore? That would make you a backisasoreus.

I think she hurt herself worse with the giant eye roll and groan. It was glorious.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ghawdex50
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 06 2015
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