What do you call a Jamaican, a Scotsman, and a Minnesotan, all holding flashlights.

Accent lights

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vin135mm
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2022
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There were reports of an assault at the support group meeting during the power outage, so the cops brought a flashlight to investigate

But they couldn’t find any AA batteries

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackasspenguin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2023
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Why did the hitchhiker want a flashlight?

To lighten the load!

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2023
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My husband just came up to me with a flashlight, said open your mouth, shined the light in my throat and said chew

Then he said, β€œYou told me you wanted to eat light for lunch today”

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2022
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My son pointed a flashlight at his face and turned it on.

He was so excited, his face lit up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drace_edge
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2022
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My flashlight died.

I'm delighted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chacham2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2021
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YOU THINK YOU CAN INTIMIDATE ME!?

… I used to hold the Flashlight for my Dad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RumpleHelgaskin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2023
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Why did the flashlight need a lawyer

Cause it was charged with battery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cameron728003
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2022
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I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small flashlight

I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnigmaCA
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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I robbed a harbor freight store yesterday

I guess that makes me a Pittsburgh stealer

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2021
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If I sling the contents of a flashlight at someone...

...would I get arrested and charged with an assault with battery charge?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.

Now it's my time to shine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamantTheAdamant
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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I didn't think my friend's MacGyver-ed flashlight contraption would work until he provided a detailed description.

It was very illuminating.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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A man leaps into the Doctor's office, flashlight in his mouth, both hands behind his back, screaming "It's the mawkew! Oh God the Mawkew!!...

...I fell on my awt supplies and it went stwaight up my wectum"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahughman
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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Abusive Flashlight

Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? He was charged with battery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poopystink16
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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I just started digging a hole to China

I must say, it's groundbreaking

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2021
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I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died.

but instead, I was delighted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ROTFLandmines
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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Why were they called the β€œdark ages?”

Because there were a lot of knights

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raw_Rain
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2022
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My dad bought my daughter a toy flashlight

My dad says, "She loves it, her face just lights up when she plays with it!"

I said, "Yes, that's because it's a flashlight."

The look of pride on his face and the groaning made the last 30 years worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/violetddit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2015
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My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.

I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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"Do you know that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

" Really, Honey?"

β€œDepends on how fast you carry the flashlight.”

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
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Buying a flashlight would really shine a new light on things.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegoatryder
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
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Three boys go into a haunted house

They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.

The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.

"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.

They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2021
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A Bright Idea

Child: chewing on a flashlight

Me: Having a light snack?

Child: blank stare

Wife: shakes head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JPWiggin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2022
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2 crazy men were trying to escape from a mental facility...

but the only way out was from the roof. They got up there, before realizing they didn’t have any rope. One guy says, β€œOh yeah! I’ve got a flashlight! Ill point it to the ground and you can climb down the beam.” The other guy says, β€œWhat, am I crazy? I’d get half way down and you’d turn it off!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carasius
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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I’m working at a concert today but the power is out

I’m telling all of the attendees that if they have a flashlight, now is their time to shine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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I don't have a dad. But I do have a really kick ass mom...

We were talking about our upcoming camping trip this morning:

Mom - I think I have a flashlight lying around somewhere.

Me - But headlamps are really where it's at if you;re camping.

Mom - But then I couldn't drink...

Me - wha...why not?

Mom - 'Cause I'd be a miner.

She had to hang up on me because she was cry-laughing at work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisablebear
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
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My girlfriend and I are traveling...

And she said, "I want to pack light." and I responded with, "Okay, you're going to need some flashlights, a lantern, and a few packs of matches..." The groaning was endless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoboDaKlown
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2015
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Two guys at the funny farm

Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, β€œWe can get out of here.”

The other guy says, β€œWe can?”

He says, β€œYes.”

The other guy says, β€œHow?”

The first guy says, β€œI’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.”

The guy says, β€œYou really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”

(Editor’s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/two-guys-at-the-funny-farm/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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I am so proud of myself.

We have a dog.

He does his business in a pen.

This pen needs to be cleaned out often because this dog is slightly touched in the head and has a habit of stepping in his own feces.

On the regular.

So... it's been getting dark out before I get home and I haven't had a chance to stay on top of the task.

Last night I grab a very small flashlight and go out to the pen to do a quick poop pickup.

2 minutes later I came back in the house, slammed the flashlight on the table and proclaimed to the rest of my family "I CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THIS LIGHT"

dadjokes are all the better when you are the only one laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uncle_solf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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I laughed, everyone groaned

I live with my girlfriend, we had some friends over who were married and had a kid. This little baby had found an L.E.D flashlight and started chewing on it.

Me: "Don't let him chew on that.. He might get LED poisoning"

I couldn't control my laughter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DontNeedNoBadges
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2014
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The Coffin

My dad told me this spooky Halloween story when I was young, I remembered it today and thought I would share it:

On one spooky Halloween night, a man decided to travel to the graveyard all by himself, armed with only a flashlight, and a thirst for adventure. He scoured the graveyard in search of ghosts, but after a long time searching, was disappointed that he couldn’t find one.

Just when he was beginning to get disheartened, he heard this awful sound from behind! The sound was deep, scratchy, and bellowing. It was the distinct sound of a coffin! The man was terrified. Naturally, he took off running! But No matter how far or fast he ran, he couldn’t escape the coffin. Everywhere he went, the coffin roared, deep, scratchy, and bellowing.

Just when he could run no more, he found himself trapped. The coffin closed in on him, getting louder and louder as it approached.

So what did he do?

He did what any man would do in this situation! He pulled out his Vick’s 44d cough syrup and stopped that awful coffin!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/calebrockinout1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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The Flash

What did they call the Flash after he lost 20lbs? Flashlight!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pickled_Ramaker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2017
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My son and I were cleaning out the garage.

Son: Daddy, what is this? Daddy: It's a flashlight. Son: Yeah, it's not heavy, because its light.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeenjamminR
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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LPT for monsters: hungry for a light snack?

Eat a flashlight

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeverShan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
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My dad's favorite spooky Halloween joke

My dad told me this the first time on Halloween night back when I was 9. He tells it to this day to any of my cousins, nephews, or any kids that happen to linger too long at the house when he's giving out candy. It's a long one but I have always enjoyed it.

Back when I was about your age, I went on a Halloween adventure. There was an old abandoned house on our street where a series of grisly axe murders had taken place years before. The house had never sold and was left vacant and was left to fall apart. There was a local legend that if you went into the house on Halloween night, you'd be confronted by the ghost of the murderer himself, still looking for more victims to add to his terrifying story.

My friend Tom and I decided to go through with it one year. Knowing everyone would be too terrified to go into the house, we snuck in easily on Halloween night. The place was falling apart inside, the carpet was wet and moldy and the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere. We headed down carefully to the basement down a set of creaky stairs.

At first we found nothing. Just an empty creepy old house. Suddenly we felt as if we were being watched. I was looking through one of the rooms in the large basement when I suddenly heard Tom shriek. I spun around and turned my flashlight and Tom was being chased by something, no someone. It looked like it was the murderer! A crazed man with an axe!

We turned and tried to run anywhere. We were in the basement but couldn't get up the stairs because we were blocked. We ran into the side room which looked like it might have been the laundry years ago. We locked the door and looked for a way out. The only thing we could find was a small window that opened onto ground level. As I climbed out I heard a pounding on the door. I managed to wriggle my way through the window and turned around to help my friend Tom. Panicking, he managed to get his top half through the window when I noticed the pounding stop.

Tom was stuck! I kept trying to pull him up but I couldn't. I pulled as hard as I could as Tom panicked and thrashed even more. I thought something had him caught, but it was even worse. The murderer had gotten behind him and was holding him back! He was too strong for me to overcome and he was pulling Tom's leg!

Just like I've been pulling yours this whole time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheG-What
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
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A Scary Story

My father told me this when I was young. He grew up on a farm back in the 40's and 50's and for the longest time they had an outhouse that was their primary bathroom. One night he was sitting in there taking a crap when he hears a voice coming from below him. It was saying very quietly "If the log rolls over, we will die". He is sitting their puzzled but he keeps hearing it over and over again "If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die"...

Now he starts to freak out so he wipes himself and runs inside and grabs the flashlight off the counter and comes back out to check it out. Only now, it is louder and more frantic If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die.

He crept up to the toilet hole, turned on the flashlight and slowly peered over the edge of the toilet and what he saw scared the hell out of him...

It was a bunch of ants sitting on a turd and chanting If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nimbusdimbus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2016
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This is why he is still the master, and I am just a young grasshopper.

He had found a flashlight on his bike ride when this happened http://imgur.com/BgSjzfD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ememsee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2015
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The Chair

Last night my fiance went out to sit in chair to smoke. It was dark, so she felt her way to the handle, turned and sat down. The chair was on the other side of her, so she fell.

The next time she went out, she found the post-it note I put on the chair (she used a flashlight this time) that said:

"I noticed you missed me, so I just wanted to say 'hi' "

I got hit upside the head for this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/archnemisis11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
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You really think you can intimidate me!?

I used to hold the flashlight for my Dad!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RumpleHelgaskin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2022
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A woman in my town was arrested for beating her husband with a flashlight.

She is charged with assault, and the flashlight is charged with battery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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In the darkness...

In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chemist612
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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