First Year Puns

"Hey, how many women can a guy marry?"

"16!"

"How did you figure that out."

"Simple. I just listen to the minister and added them up: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. That's 16!

My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.

My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.

4yo: "I like your shirt mama!

Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?

4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"

“Oh, that’s awful. Who was that?”

“Miss Givings.”

Because the chicken had the day off.

Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.

Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)

What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter

Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes

Wow, that blue spider is so beautiful! It’s Blue-tiful!

I’m so proud.

Normally I don't go because I can't afford it.

Usually it's because we can't afford it.

"The earliest example of a prosthesis ever discovered is not a leg, arm, or even a fake eye, it’s a toe. A big toe, belonging to a noblewoman, was found in Egypt and dated to between 950-710 B.C.E"

...the very, very first faux toe ;)

Non pun related, the egyptians were the first to grind lenses too, not used as glasses but instead inserted into statues for creepy eye effects

While traveling to a cookout at my dads house, my wife (W) was working through the alphabet with my son (s)

Letter “I”: W: “ I is for..... iguana” S: “iguana.... iguana go outside.” W: looks at me. I look at him. S: (in his best dad style, cheesy laugh) “ha, ha.”

He had no idea what he said. But gosh we got a kick out of it.

Normally i don’t go because I’m poor

Usually it is due to lack of money

Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gf’s sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As we’re walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, “hey, now that you’re walking the wok, can you talk the talk?”. Not sure why but I’ll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. What’s yours?

what do you say to a potassium based fruit that keeps stealing stuff!? Stop with your banana-gins!

"Was it called "In Honor of Elizabeth Reed" back then?

Because he didn’t like sour mice.

It's a cool thing.

is a TUESday

First it was the Freshman-15, then the Covid-19.

The law maker was outlawed.

I guess you can say there are more than TUA picks for them.

I still think about it sometimes - the WAN that got away.

"F-U-C-K, I'll scream ahhhhh!"

"What was that, son?"

"If you see K-ocodile (crocodile), scream, 'AHHHHH!'"

Him: "Mommy, I want cookie!"

Mommy: "Can you say please?"

Him: "Yes."

#prouddadtears

Edit Sorry for the messed up hyphen in the title.

You could say she's barrel-y legal

It was a little weird at first, but once she got used to the strap-on, it was everything I ever pegged it to be.

It was a real moving experience.

"Stop mass debating".

My 5 month old has a little bit of a cough. The conversation went something like this:.
5 month old: {coughs}.
My wife: Goodness, where is that little cough coming from?
2.5 year old: Baby's mouth!
Me: {laughs hysterically}

My nephew was playing with A Mr. Potato Head and my dad took it from him, put it on the couch with him and says "Now hes a couch potato bwahaha"

Which is really no different than what I do on the other 49 weeks

Went out, painted the ice red.

Since then, I've made great strides.

A classic!

*son falls on butt "Owww!" "Your ok buddy let me see... *looks at son's butt OH NO, THERE'S A CRACK IN IT!"

Now he's worried his butt is broken.

Then the next 18 telling them to sit down & shut up!

New Years Adam.

Her: "she's too young for heels, like where's she going to wear them?" Me: "on her feet"

Mum: "Shall I put the kettle on?"

Dad: "I don't think it'll fit you, love."

My cousin's kid got home from school:

Cousin: So what happened in class today? Son: I got an A+ on a test. Cousin: That's great! What was the test on? Son: A piece of paper!

Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)

Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."

Grunts and cringes ensued

He would ask me, "so what position are you playing, left out?"

But then it grew on me.

My wife and I brought our new daughter to meet my grandmother who lives in a nursing home in another state. This nursing home has a cat and two dogs that also reside there. I only saw one of the dogs, but my grandmother told me that the other one has no tail. I asked "why not?" she said "It's mother bit the tail off." - I said "What a bitch!" It took a moment, then she said. "She IS a bitch." - We both laughed.