The First Year Puns

Because the chicken had the day off.

Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.

Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)

Normally I don't go because I can't afford it.

"The earliest example of a prosthesis ever discovered is not a leg, arm, or even a fake eye, it’s a toe. A big toe, belonging to a noblewoman, was found in Egypt and dated to between 950-710 B.C.E"

...the very, very first faux toe ;)

Non pun related, the egyptians were the first to grind lenses too, not used as glasses but instead inserted into statues for creepy eye effects

Usually it's because we can't afford it.

Usually it is due to lack of money

"Was it called "In Honor of Elizabeth Reed" back then?

Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gf’s sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As we’re walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, “hey, now that you’re walking the wok, can you talk the talk?”. Not sure why but I’ll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. What’s yours?

Because he didn’t like sour mice.

It's a cool thing.

is a TUESday

The law maker was outlawed.

I guess you can say there are more than TUA picks for them.

I still think about it sometimes - the WAN that got away.

"Stop mass debating".

It was a little weird at first, but once she got used to the strap-on, it was everything I ever pegged it to be.

Went out, painted the ice red.

Then the next 18 telling them to sit down & shut up!

Which is really no different than what I do on the other 49 weeks

New Years Adam.

My cousin's kid got home from school:

Cousin: So what happened in class today? Son: I got an A+ on a test. Cousin: That's great! What was the test on? Son: A piece of paper!

Mum: "Shall I put the kettle on?"

Dad: "I don't think it'll fit you, love."

He would ask me, "so what position are you playing, left out?"

My wife and I brought our new daughter to meet my grandmother who lives in a nursing home in another state. This nursing home has a cat and two dogs that also reside there. I only saw one of the dogs, but my grandmother told me that the other one has no tail. I asked "why not?" she said "It's mother bit the tail off." - I said "What a bitch!" It took a moment, then she said. "She IS a bitch." - We both laughed.

"What cats like to play on a computer?"
"Cats that want the mouse?"
"Nope"
"Okay, what cats like to play on a computer?"
"Tabby cats!"

Me: "Heh, Barrack Obamas initials are B. O."

Dad: "Wow, that stinks."

[in the backyard]

Dad: How come you still haven't cleaned your car.

Me: Sorry I just didn't have any time.

Dad: (walks over to plants)There's thyme right here, and scallions.

"Hello everyone. You can call me 'sir', you can call me 'teacher', just don't call me late for dinner."

I had previously told her that I'm afraid of going bald as I get older. Cut to later in the day...

Me: Gore in movies and games doesn't bother me when heads and arms and stuff are getting sliced off. But I get a little cringy when it's a scalpel cutting into skin; precision cuts are weird for me.

GF: Is it because it's a scalp el?

Me: ...

I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death."

*we are in the Olive Garden parking lot and it has been snowing for ~30 mins

Me: Man, this parking lot is pretty empty for an Olive Garden

Him: Yeah there's SNOW-body here

I didn't kno what to say back..