What do you call an Australian zoo keeper with 10+ years experience handling marsupials?

Koala-fied

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kneight88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2021
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When interviewing for any job tell them you're from Australia & you love eucalyptus leaves.

That way they know you're koala-fied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2021
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Why is a koala not a real bear?

It was not (Koala)fied

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King-chippy69
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
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Medusa tried to get a job in the microbiology lab, but all her samples turned out badly.

They were petri-fied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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What did the two-by-four say to the cement?

"I'm board!"

The cement responded, saying "that joke leaves me mortar-fied."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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At the local jail, due to COVID restrictions, prisoners are now required to take their own mug shots

They’re calling them cell-fies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/micknotmike
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2021
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In recent news, a giant had a troubling discovery when he returned home from work.

After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,

"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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My Australian friend was told he may no longer handle marsupials...

I guess you could say he has been dis-koala-fied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CAdamH
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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A horse trotted into a bar.

"I must have forgotten that Trump set the bar so low" he mumbled as he picked himself up and staggered into the bar and grill next to it. Upon seeing him, the bartender said, "hey!" The horse said, "neigh... but I'll take one for the road." The asphalt in the corner said, "thanks horse. Why the big pause?" The horse replied, "oh this is my friend the bear. He was born with big pas." "Yeah," said the bear. "I was adopted by two grizzly fathers. Turns out they weren't koala-fied to give birth to me." "Ugh," said the chicken after seeing how late it is. "I'm late to get to the other side of the road. See ya all later!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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Why don’t restaurants serve Eucalyptus leaves?

Because they’re not koala-fied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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My daughter said her brother was disqualified from the game they were playing. I told him to just say, "I'm a koala!"

Because then he'd be re-koala-fied

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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What do you call taking a picture of your own cells under a microscope?

a Cell-fie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waterburst789
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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6 weeks 'til baby's here and hubby's already practicing

We've been sleeping with a humidifier because, between the winter and the pregnancy, my skin feels incredibly dry. This morning, I told hubby I didn't think the humidifier was working well because I still felt mummified.

Hubby: You are. pokes me in the belly You're "mommy-fied."

He then walked away chortling.

God help this child...and me. :)

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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Did you hear about the amoeba that took its own picture?

It was a cell-fie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_drumstic_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2016
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Why isn't a koala bear a real bear

Because they aren't koala-fied

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arseneisbest
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
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