Ever exchanged puns in a sword fight?
You need to have a rapier wit.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
Ever since the Death Star blew up, Anakin has taken to the NY Stock Exchange
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︎ Feb 13 2021
Can I claim an Eastern European exchange student as a dependent to reduce my income below the phaseout threshold?
Iβm hoping to get a stimulus Czech.
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Did you hear about the seafood restaurant that will give you calamari in exchange for money?
They practice squid pro quo.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
I exchange sexual favors for frosties from Wendy's
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︎ Aug 20 2020
I asked my French exchange student if he went to the bathroom before we got into the car
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︎ Oct 01 2020
My mom saw I was talking to a T-Rex and that we exchanged cash. She asked why.
I told her he is my small arms dealer.
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︎ Sep 02 2020
Was pretty proud of this exchange on a dating app tonight
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︎ Dec 18 2018
My wife and I exchanged silverware the first night we met.
Forked on the first date.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
I had a friend in high school who was a foreign exchange student, and he always took mine and my friendβs e-cigarettes
We called him the international juul thief
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︎ Jul 22 2020
Just casual exchange with coworker in the health field.
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︎ Feb 01 2020
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:
"No it's not, it's MUNday!"
The apprentice has now become the master.
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︎ Jun 28 2020
An exchange with my boss overseeing some artwork today.
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︎ Feb 09 2020
A pirate dad joke
A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirateβs peg leg, asking βHowβd you get that?β
βAye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.β
The sailor pointed to the pirateβs hook and asked βHowβd you get that?β
βAye, I fought Red Beardβs crew and lost me hand.β
The sailor then pointed to the pirateβs eyepatch, again asking βHowβd you get that?β
βAye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.β
The sailor responded with βThatβs not as impressive as the first twoβ.
βAye, it was me first day with me hook.β
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︎ Nov 16 2020
A geography teaches picks two students, one an exchange student from Japan and the other a native, to answer a question about state capitals. βWhat is the capital of Ohio?β, the teacher asks.
The native student answers βClevelandβ, much to the teacherβs chagrin. The Exchange student on the other hand, answers βItβs a bit late, but Gozaimasu!β
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︎ Dec 20 2019
(Actual exchange) My wife was eating some day-old fries
I asked her, βDo those taste good??β
She replied, βNo, but the taste is...compelling.β
So I shouted βTHE POWER OF FRIES COMPELS YOU!!!β
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︎ Nov 03 2019
The sweater I got last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another oneβ¦
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︎ Dec 20 2019
Even though I insisted there was no need for repatriation, my neighbour has just brought round a root vegetable in exchange for the reading material I gave them.
So thats a turnip for the books.
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︎ Dec 26 2019
An epic exchange of air travel puns in a group chat.
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︎ Nov 30 2018
Text exchange with my 70-yo father. Heβs still got it.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today ππ
Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I donβt need a treeπ²
Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didnβt send you a tree.
Him: Great. I wouldnβt want to accuse you of tree, son π€
Me: Oooof
Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didnβt take root so I guess Iβll leaf it there
Me: You donβt know when to quit, do you?
Him: I wooden know about that
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︎ Jan 17 2019
Reverse dad joke. Actual exchange I heard between my brother and his daughter.
"Dad, can I go swimming?"
"Not right now. Wait five or ten minutes."
"Ok, I choose five."
"... Fair enough."
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︎ Jul 09 2018
My son asked me to exchange a bunch of American coins I collected as a kid.
How dare he? They have centimental value.
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︎ Oct 08 2019
What do you call the punchline to a joke about zombies having a gift exchange?
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︎ Jun 01 2019
Proud day for me! My son got me with this exchange while looking at a new building being constructed.
Me: βThis thing is going to be huge.β
Son: βWhy? Itβs only three floors high.β
Me: βLook at that elevator shaft! Theyβre going to build more on!β
Son: βGeez Dad, thatβs a bit harsh.β
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︎ Aug 23 2019
Playing a gift exchange with my dad and he got us all:
Holding up a dry erase board with the number on it in Roman numerals XIX. Someone asked what number it was and he says: "oh whoops, I got it upside down", and he flips it over.
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︎ Dec 27 2018
The following exchange left a smile on my face.
Daughter: "Hey Dad! Do you know what would be SO COOL?"
Me: "A frozen needle and string?"
Daughter: groans.. "You're IMPOSSIBLE"
Me: "No, no. I'm D-"
Daughter: "DAD. DAD. WE GET IT."
Me: "We Get It.... Is that a new Nintendo System?"
Daughter: . . . walks away
.
.
Stay Proud. Stay Dad.
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︎ Jun 15 2018
Friend: My mouth burned the whole time cause my dad made me eat this hot pepper in exchange for the show ticket. Wasnβt even a good show.
Me: You just really ate to see it
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︎ Nov 25 2018
What is a stock exchange's favourite drink?
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︎ Jan 14 2019
My teenage son came home upset that his crush is attracted to the new foreign exchange student at school
So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!
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︎ Jan 16 2018
What do you think about the guy who exchanges letters with numbers?
I, for one, find it strange
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︎ Jan 20 2019
My boss invited me to play a Par 3 this afternoon in exchange for sexual favors
I told him, "That's a little course"
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︎ Nov 11 2018
An exchange I remember seeing in a cartoon or movie a long time ago
I don't remember what it's from, but I do remember that the scene involved a squad of soldiers with their sergeant coming across the enemy, and it went like this:
Sergeant: Fire at will!
Private: Uh, who's Will?
Sergeant: Just shoot, you idiot!
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︎ Apr 12 2019
I gave valuable customer feedback to an Olive Garden in exchange for a gift card
In return I received a pasta dish.
For the first time in my life, I actually received a Penne for my thoughts
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︎ Feb 01 2019
In exchange for peace, the US is offering North Korea a shipment of transparent rockets.
So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons.
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︎ May 10 2018
A wholesome exchange of memes
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︎ Jul 12 2018
Actual exchange between my 8-year old daughter and I
8yo - Hey dad, knock knock
Me - who's there?
8yo - daddy boo
Me - daddy boo who?
8yo - awwww dad, don't cry, your life isn't that bad!
I just got dad-joked, hard!
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︎ Aug 23 2017
The most British Twitter exchange ever.
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︎ Dec 14 2017
Did you hear about the couple who exchanged wedding vows while running a race?
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︎ Mar 11 2019
Exchange with the wife this morning.
I walked down the stairs to see my wife on the floor laying out a pattern to sew. Her butt was facing me and of course I was staring and going into the kitchen.
Her: Are you staring at my butt?
Me: Yes.
Her: I always sense when someone is doing that.
Me: I guess that means you have the gift of hind sight huh?
Edit: spelling
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︎ Nov 17 2018
Itβs illegal to exchange fermented apples
Since you might be arrested for in-cider trading
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︎ Dec 14 2018
People say that I'm bad guy because I ask them for money in exchange for politically incorrect opinions...
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︎ Dec 27 2018
I love watching people fall down in exchange for bread-based meals
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︎ Apr 01 2019
An exchange between my pregnant wife and I.
Wife After belching loudly: I don't know where that came from.
Me: Your belly.
Wife: That's apparent.
Me: No you're apparent.
Commence with the sighs.
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︎ Jul 15 2017
Who will join me in a bird pun exchange? TOUCAN Play at This Game
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︎ Feb 14 2018
What do people use to exchange goods and services in Atlantis?
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︎ Mar 20 2016
Whatβs the only gift thatβs better when you return or exchange it?
A smile!!! :)
But thatβs also the only gift I can afford this year ....... what can I say, Iβm a post-Renaissance man, baroque.
Happy holidays.
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︎ Dec 19 2018
The sweater my kids gave me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another oneβ¦
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︎ Jul 05 2018
People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.
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︎ Jan 03 2019
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