I have a collection of urns to transfer my grandfather's ashes between them.

I figure he wouldn't want to be cooped up in one urn for long. While transferring his ashes, I broke his good urn. I am going to buy him another good urn. I guess its as the saying goes "one good urn deserves another".

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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The media are now only using email to transfer information

They don’t care about fax anymore

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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Going Viral
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maisy1st
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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If a Minnesota NBA player transfered to the Minnesota NHL team

would he become a Timberwolf in the Wild?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the trapeze artist complete a full somersaulting transfer in mid-air?

Because he didn't give a flying flip.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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I transferred my consciousness into a legume

I’m a human bean

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megadecimal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A new student transferred into my class today. He didn't speak English and the note he gave me said his name was Jkmn.

Since we didn't know how to pronounce his name, we just called him Noel.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/197708156EQUJ5
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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What is the number one money transfer service in Rome?

Papal.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaenHoffiCoffi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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One that my dad just gave me

So we were talking about transferring money and I made a comment about not wanting to forget a paper note in my trousers when they get washed.

He looked me straight in the eye and shouted

β€˜Because you don’t want to be accused of... MONEY LAUNDERING’

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roku-Hanmar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
If the US and Canada cant come to an agreement on NAFTA, we are in trouble. Transfer speeds are going to plummet

Without a US BC connection.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glen_Chervin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
When you finish eating at an Australian restaurant
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Transfer window Liverpool
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DANNYonPC
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
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How do monkeys solve employee focus decline issues?

Transfer them to a different branch

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession...

I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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What did the cytologist say to his fellow cytologist, whose job is to transfer bran cereal to cells and who specializes in multi-celled organisms, when he asked what his job was?

Eukaryotes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spendexx
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
🚨︎ report
Studying for bio and asked my dad about the four methods of gene transfer...

"You go to the mall - that's one. The second method is you drop off a load of donations at Salvation Army. Third: you're picked up by a backhoe and transported to a pool of radioactive material in the middle of the garbage dump and your jeans are magically transferred off of you as you disintegrate. And the fourth? By policemen carrying out a court order in a maximum security prison."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GimpyBallerina
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man in on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle

Attire

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gaizar1027
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
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At work we have to transfer tea into smaller pitchers near the end of all shifts.

Someone asked "how many Sweets(sweet tea pitchers) are there?" another person replied, "there are only a few sweets." Without being part of the conversation, I corrected them with "I'm pretty sure there more than 'only a few' in Sweden."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iSometimesPost
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
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Gas Chambers

I was studying a course of Mass Transfer and found this in the book.
They are secretly teaching us about the Nazi Gas Chambers

Correct Printing Mistake

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yash_kh12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I was waiting for the transfer bus at the airport.

I overheard a mother asking her son why he had to style his hair now. Father looks up from his phone and exclaims "well, we are at the hairport"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SPARL_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
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So, I'm studying human perception as it relates to colour, right?

And the thing about eyes, sight, and light is that nobody really knows what colour anything is.

What we think of as colour is actually light reflecting off a surface in the visible light spectrum- nothing is inherently colourful on its own. So everything we see is actually in our own heads. Transfered light is reflecting off objects, into our eyes and being read/perceived by the brain as 'colour'.

It's all a pigment of our imagination.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SupremeCanadian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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I hit the nurse with this one

I went with my parents to see my uncle who was just transferred to my university's hospital.

The nurse walks in and starts talking to us. Somehow the topic of genetics came up and she said "huh, I guess you got the good genes then!"

I looked down and pulled at my jeans. "I guess they're alright."

She rolled her eyes, smiled, and then let out a laugh. My dad was cracking up in the other corner of the room. I think I made him proud.

πŸ‘︎ 202
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emperor_of_Cats
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
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What did the old chimney say to the young chimney?

Because I am dying of the flue and will not live much longer, I am now turning over to you this grate responsibility. As a symbol of my blessing, and to make the transfer complete, I therefore pass this mantel to you.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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Dadjoked a secretary

I was trying to reach a guy with the last name Yip. When I called the front desk, I asked for him, and it went like:

Me: Mr. Yip, please
Her: Ok, Y-I-P?
Me: I don't know, why do you?
Her: ....huh?
Me: Yes, Y-I-P.
Her: Transferring...

I was amused, at least.

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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Dadjoked the nurse during the ultrasound this morning

My wife is 8 weeks pregnant with our first (twins, actually). Today we had an ultrasound to check on them before my wife is officially transferred from the fertility specialist to her OB/GYN.

Nurse: Both heartbeats are a healthy 144.

Me: Gross.

Nurse: What?.... Oh. (nervous laugh)

Wife: (facepalm)

Me: (ear-to-ear grin)

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terminalmage
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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I earned a verbal grunt from my professor for this one.

My professor and I were emailing about the final project I had recently submitted when I decided to take the time to thank her for being so helpful. Professors that make classes easier to understand and add a little humor to their lectures deserve all the praise in the world, and mine was no exception to that. This was also my first class that wasn't a general education course, starting me on an MIS degree.

I emailed her saying something along the lines of,

"Thanks for being so helpful throughout the semester, this was my first MIS class and you really gave me the confidence I needed in knowing I was doing it right."

I followed with "Thanks for making this class so interesting, I will be transferring to (insert new college here) to continue earning my MIS degree. I think it's safe to say you influenced my decision to a certain degree. Hah! Certain degree, get it?"

She called me over after next lecture to tell me how bad my pun was while groaning and chuckling. No regrets.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
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My pop's roommate at the hospital, recovering

Just wheeled in from surgery, transferred to hospital bed. Dude's laying in his bed, moaning.

Nurse is all, sir are you ok?

Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

Are you in pain, sir?

Moannnnnnn.

Sir, can you tell me what hurts?

It's my wallet…

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedorner
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
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Got a buddy at work today.

My buddy at work saw me driving a company truck and sent me a text since he is transferring to another office in Japan.

Mike: Why are you in that stake bed. Me: Because I was hungry and tired! Mike: That doesn't make any sense. Me: Steak. Bed. Mike: Damn you!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmettam
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Healthcare Dad Joke from today

We use these red sliding sheets to help transfer patients from the operating table to their trolley (they're widely used in hospitals and care environments for various patient manual handling tasks). For those who are unfamiliar, it's basically a double layered, frictionless sheet you position under the patient in order (theoretically) to transfer them with minimal force and effort.

One particular colleague hates them, and today ranted:

"I would love to punch the guy who invented these and has probably made millions of pounds and retired"

To which someone immediately responded:

"I bet he's a right slippery character though".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/machschau
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my housemate today.

My housemate was talking about her upcoming trip to Puerto Rico and saying that she had to transfer flights in San Juan.

"But why would you continue after San Juan?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what they say, when you've San Juan, you've seen 'em all!" Chuckles to self for the next five minutes

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocknrollnerd3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Trying to lighten up the mood at the DMV.

I was registering a vehicle to my name that I bought off a guy who had a lean out on it. The credit union who was holding the title took forever and a day to send it my way. Well in California, you need to transfer the vehicle in under five days of the purchase. Unknowingly, I waltz into the joint expecting a boom bam thank you ma'am process. Low and behold the clerk says I owe a hundred and some odd bucks for being late, but I explained her the situation and since it was not my fault she flopped the form to waive this fee.

I saw my opportunity and I pounced...

"So this is the....Tidal Wave?"

I get a blank stare for a solid ten seconds and she slaps down another form saying that I owe 500 dollars in taxes. Good ol' California DMV.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/my_leggg_guy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoke at the laboratory.

I work as a lab tech in my university, and as I was preparing some bacterial streak plates for some students (mind you, we use an innoculating loop to transfer bacteria from a sample tube to plates), I said to some of the students: "what did one bacteria said to the other? Let's get looped, and go streaking."

I received an uniform look of dissapointment and a couple of facepalms from the students while I giggled at my joke. The teacher loved it though.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesusdo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad made a good one today

My dad was in my car today and saw my USB storage drive in my stereo. The drive has a little blue light that blinks rapidly whenever there's data transferring, so it's constantly blinking if I'm playing music from it. My dad asked what it was, and I explained. He said, "I guess that's why it's called a flash drive!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicklikesmilk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
🚨︎ report

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