I didn't exactly ace my "capture the wasp" exam.

I got a bee.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
People act like the North and South poles are exactly the same

...but really, there’s a whole world of differences between them.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrindoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 m. long?

Ο€thon.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
When I won the grand prize at cemetery, I knew exactly what it was.

It was a dead giveaway.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs?

Just 5 minutes more.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife weighs exactly 300.00 lb.

She has a round figure.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My Sherlock Holmes themed Monopoly board is exactly 12 inches

The game is a foot!

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What, exactly, is a fart?

A lonely cry from an abandoned turd.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WyldStalynz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Exactly!
πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UnsteadyKoala
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What exactly is Beethoven doing in his grave ?

Decomposing.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad knows exactly where everything is located in the store.

I am impressed with his shelf confidence.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife pulled me aside yesterday. We sat down and she told me she had some news. Honey, I'm pregnant were here exact words.

I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.

"No you're not."

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/throwawaymaybeso
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Exactly 50% of Roger Federer’s name is β€˜er’!

That’s it, that’s the joke! ;)

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIndrajitKar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Painting my ceiling isn't exactly #1 on my priority list.

But it's up there.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A salesperson came to my door yesterday trying to sell me a coffin.

I told him, "That's the last thing I need".

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OFMaaron
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
You know that theory about no two people see colours exactly the same way...

Surely it's a pigment of their imagination ?

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What exactly makes a joke a dad joke?

Its apparent.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OriginalCWP
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.

They were quite MEADiocre

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashnakag3019
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My uncle is really good at fishing. He always knows exactly what kind of worm to put on his fishing hook, in order to catch the desired kind of fish.

One might say he is a master baiter.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
From my 8 year old: Dad, how do camels hide from predators?

Me: Their fur is the same color as the desert so they blend in.

Her: Exactly! They camel-flage!

I walked right into that one lol

πŸ‘︎ 307
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joshuaquiz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?

Any more and it would be two farty...

πŸ‘︎ 785
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marty___mcfly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to social distancing, everyone is asking Kim Jung Un how far six feet is Exactly!

Because he is the supreme ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I still remember exactly where I was when I found out how JFK died.

Sitting at home, reading his Wikipedia page.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Not exactly what the doctor ordered
πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The 'i' of the hurricane is exactly at the center of the word
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BoBoAngstyZebra
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.

They must have been itentacle twins.

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancient_Presence
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...

" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, β€œWhat exactly happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, β€œSorry. No time.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ll tell you exactly why the rioters attacked that store...

because it was a big target

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mentorsworld
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?

Laika million to one

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How do hippies stop tsunamis?

They wear tide-die!

EDIT: I know it’s not exactly the dryest humor but I still thought it was fun.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
You need exactly 239 beans to make Irish soup because if you add one more it becomes too farty.
πŸ‘︎ 212
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I was told I can't use eBay anymore.

I don't know why exactly, they just said it was for biddin'

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/noobulyzer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I own a restaurant. My chef knows exactly when to add spices to any meal...

Perfect thyme-ing.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I've decided to start storing everything in the Cloud, and it's a lot easier than you'd think

Although I'm still not sure how exactly I'm supposed to get anything back down... I guess I'll just have to wait until the balloons pop to use my TV again.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartansATTACK
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DAD WHEN…

β€’ you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.

β€’ you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure you’ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.

β€’ you change your car’s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.

β€’ mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.

β€’ you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.

β€’ your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,562 trees

β€œHow do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired

Lumberjack: β€œEasy. I keep a log.”

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The Mysterious Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gasballbutsmol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I was wearing mismatched socks and my mom said to me

I bet you have another pair exactly like that.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dumbinternetstuff
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs...

"Just 5 minutes more "

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14m long

a πœ‹-thon

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sb_kidph2005
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.

I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TF79870
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snake that’s exactly 3.14 meters long?

A Ο€thon

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gquinn18
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
πŸ‘︎ 184
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.

I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.

πŸ‘︎ 88
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.