People act like the North and South poles are exactly the same
...but really, thereβs a whole world of differences between them.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
My Wife told our kids they need to get their acts together.
I asked if it would be ok if they gathered their swords instead. She was not amused.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
(OC) Why do magicians not use horses in their acts?
Because they arenβt just difficult, they are neigh impossible!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
So thereβs this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that heβd vanish on the count of three. βUnoβ βDosβ
And then he vanished, without a tres.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
I wonβt act like Iβm not impressed
π︎ 5k
π
︎ May 19 2020
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ May 31 2020
I'm thinking of entering a talent show. I have two ideas for my act. Either a Blues Traveler cover band, or an impression of Richard Nixon.
I'm hoping to win, by Hook or by Crook.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
My friend told me, βYou have a B.A., Masterβs, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.β
It was a third degree burn.
π︎ 486
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
I just saw a couple guys in white face act like they were caught in a trap and can't walk out.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
People act really weird on the Metro
It must be a sub-culture...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
I have been working on the most illogical street performance act...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
Ever since my sex change my son acts like Iβm not here...
Maybe itβs because Iβm trans-parent
π︎ 17
π
︎ Sep 14 2020
So they are making this movie where Michael J. Fox voice acts for a time traveling chicken.
They call it Bawk to the Future.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
I look just like my dad, but Iβm really embarrassed by how he acts.
Heβs my apparent aberrant parent
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
My wife takes away my inhaler whenever I act up
To this day, she still takes my breath away
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
Act as if you are a carrier...
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
The following depicts scenes of gratuitous heteronormative sexual acts
Sensitive viewers are advised to avert their gays
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
I suddenly couldn't go out and act because I received lots of crates of materials...
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 24 2020
When my kleptomania acts up,
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 23 2020
Everyone acts like theyβre so PC these days
But Mac sales have been going up!
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 30 2020
I really want to see Patrick Warburton do a stand-up comedy act where he just reads dad jokes.
That shit would be Kronk.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 18 2020
My friend the comedian normally gets lots of applause after his act, but the last time it was nothing but boos...
He must have been having a bad har day.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 02 2020
What happens when Po from kung fu panda acts like a jerk?
He becomes a skadouchebag
π︎ 18
π
︎ Mar 22 2020
Why Do You Have To Act Quickly During A Flood
Because it's an emergent sea.
π︎ 529
π
︎ Jul 19 2019
My friend wanted to go over our act for the variety show...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 20 2020
What is it called when you witness an act of god in a mirror?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 28 2020
π︎ 21
π
︎ Aug 14 2019
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude and acts lazy?
A beaver that doesn't give a dam!
π︎ 25
π
︎ Dec 26 2019
If being cool was an act of terrorism then I'd be winning the Nobel Peace prize
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 11 2019
My magician friend used to have a part of his act where he saws a donkey in half...
It was a half-assed attempt at magic.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 05 2019
How do directors know if an actor is acting or just pretending to act?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 20 2019
I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute actβ¦
It was an automated phone system which said, "Press 1 for the money, 2 for the showβ¦"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Oct 21 2017
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 09 2019
For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.
π︎ 89
π
︎ Apr 20 2019
When I went into the barn I saw my father doing a strip tease act in front of our tractor
He explained that he went to a marriage counselor because mom didn't want to be intimate anymore. The counselor told him he should do something sexy to attract her.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 24 2019
My mime friend's best performance is when he acts like a piece of paper...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 18 2019
The female version of The Bro Code should be called The Sister Act.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 09 2019
Do lewd acts aboard a rail train make you...metrosexual?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 05 2019
I got kicked out of the Mime Academy for performing unspeakable acts
Kind of glad they kicked me out because their curriculum made me feel boxed in
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 21 2019
(OC) Why do magicians not use horses in their acts?
Because they arenβt just difficult, they are neigh impossible!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
My friend said, βYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.β
It was a third degree burn.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Apr 22 2018
Why must you act quickly during a flood?
Because it's an emergent sea.
π︎ 176
π
︎ Jun 12 2019
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Feb 25 2019
You have to act quickly during a flood.
Because it's an emergent sea.
π︎ 34
π
︎ May 06 2019
My wife said βYou have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiotβ¦β
It was a third degree burn
π︎ 400
π
︎ Dec 15 2018
My friend said, βYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.β
It was a third degree burn.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 18 2019
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