Ew Puns

this soup is the worst

(jk borscht is the best. we have a generational recipe for it. I am ashamed of myself for even posting this and my ancestors shame me from the heavens)

haha I'll see you guys next time

Me: Would you say she litterally smells bad?

Me: ...Would you call it a "peppadew," now?

Dad: They don't sell those anymore.

Light blue.

Cause he called her an ew!

Cash-ew

(This just transpired: I got sweaty cleaning out my shower and walked into the hall to cool off.)

Me to my SO: Shower is clean.

SO: oh good. Ew. You're gross

Me: yeah. I'm sweating.

14 y/o from down the hall in her room while painting her nails yells: "HI SWEATING!"

(I'm so proud)

Cash? Ew!

Nice to meat — ew!

But then I remember I have to stop being so self-deprecating

Every time they see me they say “Ew”

Note: MY19 = My 19 year old

Me - Mum and I are going out.

MY19 - what am I going to do?

Me - You can debate with a lot of people.

MY19 - What?

Me - Mass debate.

A phew!
Aaaaphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!

^s^o^r^r^y

Aphew!

Me: Ew Dad there's a beetle on the wall!

Dad: Wait which one?

Me: The wall right across from me!

Dad: No! Which Beatle? Ringo? John?

He hasn't stopped laughing and won't help me get the beetle.

Ew, something inks in here.

While talking about cars he says : 'Why do chicken coups have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan. " <rimshot>

Girlfriend linked me this and said "want"

http://imgur.com/EwU7X6M

I replied "that'll cost a pretty penny"

St.ew

I'm over at my bff's house for game night. Her dogs have been playing with a chew toy shaped like a carrot that has little treats in it. I go and sit on the couch, where the carrot happens to be.

Me: "Ew, I don't want this carrot by me"

Friend: Would you say you don't Carrot all for it?

I laughed so hard because I really do appreciate dad jokes.

So, my grandfather by the name of Leonard might lose his foot soon, due to diabetes/infection. Not at all hilarious, sure, but me and him have an awesome sense of humor. He lost his toe a few weeks back and I asked him if they placed it in a jar. He said, "No, they made it into stew."

My mother was less than pleased with our toe jokes but that was not the groaning moment.

A series of texts about my grandfather losing the entire foot ensues between my uncles, mom, sister and I. It went like this:

Me: If gramps loses his foot, in the worst case of scenarios, how would I go around asking the OR to put it in a jar? (directed to my sister who's a nurse)

Mom: OMG. Bad.

Sister: Ew. Lol.

Sister: http://giphy.com/gifs/jar-AuSAduPrXkDgk

Me: Oh man, if in forty years I'm ever at a family reunion all drunk, I'd be doing that. "Come my niece/nephew/grandchild! Speak of all your woes to the foot!"

Mom: STOP! Bad Grandchild!

Sister: You need a nap.

Me: I'd put the foot in an estate so that it can be passed down for many generations. It'll be the GrandPAW of Leo!

Mom: OMG

Sister: Ha!

Dad: What're you eating under there? Me: sighs under where? Dad: ew, gross!

After a feeding, my beautiful wife went to burp our seven month old son. He let out a gnarly burp, right in her face, to which she said, "Ew. That burp was foul, kid."

I replied with, "Did you feed him chicken salad?"

A delayed, angry smirk was a welcomed response.

Mom: Ew, that restaurant is called "Boil"? Who would want to go there? Me: I dunno, I heard on weekends it's actually really popping.

This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.

Sister: My balls are caught in the door!

Me: LOL, WHAT?

Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.

**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.

**Grandma**: *grins and nods*

**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.

**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.

**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.

**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.

**Grandpa**: No, $2.

**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.

**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*

~

**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.

**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.

**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!

**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.

~

**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?

**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?

**Me**:  Wow.

~

**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.

**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!

**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!

**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!

**ME**: I DID.

~

**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.

**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...

**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.

~

*while watching American Idol*

**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.

**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.

~

**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!

~

*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*

**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.

**Tyla**: Oh yeah?  Well at least Papa loves weenies!

*Me and Papa look at each other*

**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.

~

*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off* 

**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?

**Me**: ...Seen what? 

**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.

**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about? 

**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town? 

**Me**: ......

~

*While driving through Alton one morning* 

**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.

**Me**: Ew.  Coffee is nasty.

**Grandma**: No it isn't!  It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!

~

*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face* 

**Grandma*

I just had a mild sneeze attack, and the last sneeze was, um, productive. I ended up getting mucus on my sweatshirt and I said, "aww it's all on my sweater now. ew"
to which my boyfriend promptly replies with
"snot the end of the world!"
he actually got me a few times but this one needed to be shared.

... and she turns the phone towards me. I had my hair up, so my forehead was sticking out. I cover my forehead with my hand.

"Ew, my forehead is the width of four fingers."

My mom, without skipping a beat, says; "Well, yeah! It's a FOURhead!"

She gave a very satisfied smile while I just glared at her.

(while on vacation in Spain)

Friend: Ew, so many flies! Go away flies!

Me: The flies don't understand you, you know.

Friend: Yeah, I know —

Me: They speak Spanish here. Try '¡déjame en paz!'

Last night the wife made a big bowl of homemade guacamole. Well, today I was feeling the effects of eating 1/2 of said bowl of guacamole. This morning I texted her from the bathroom at work:

Me: Oh man, that guacamole is really tearing my ass up.

Her: Ew, ya nasty.

Me: I guess you could say I've got the "guac"ing farts!

She hasn't texted me back since :(

Her: Text me when you're close.

Her: And by close, I mean close, like west g or h, not here, because I'm fucking hungry.

Me: who is Hungry? What the fuck? Why are you telling me like this and not to my face?

Her: ok dad

Her: wait ew for so many reasons

Her: I'm so sorry

I'm pretty proud of myself. Image

The other day at work when my boss and I were both wearing Toms shoes:

Me: Ugh my feet are so sweaty
Boss: Me too and these shoes aren't even mine....
Me: Ew what?
Boss: These shoes aren't mine... they're Tom's!

Whenever I would be taking a leak, my dad used to walk by the bathroom and go "Hey are you from France? 'Cause yer-a-peein!"

Or if I ever said "I'm gonna go take a crap" he'd say "ew you're gonna take one?! Why don't you just leave it?"