Esque Puns

Gnomes.

There's no race like gnome.

I wondered why zombies, ghouls, and vampires are so closely associated. After all, why would decaying shambling corpses be associated with the suave Dracula-esque? then it hit me:

Most vampires are necromancers, but not all necromancers are vampires.

I was with a friend in the mall, we wandered into one of those stores where they have cute Japan-ized versions of everything. We were looking at some overly cute plush round pillow-esque versions of Spongebob, Dora the Explorer, and Spiderman.

My friend picks up Dora the Explorer and says "Man, she's not supposed to be round, what is this?" I instantly came back with "Come on man, it's a-Dora-ball."

I was so proud I've been telling everyone and I figured you guys would appreciate it.

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

• “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
• “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
• “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
• “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”
• “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
• “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
• “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
• “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
• “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
• “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
• “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”

...for keeping me off the streets.

(My friends hilarious-ass boss is a walking dadjoke. He posts this joke regularly on their facebook-esque staff site)

Eating at IHOP with my lady, and like the mature adults we are, we're playing tabletop football with our sugar packets. The waitress, who happens to have a Poppins-esque English accent, comes by to let us know our food will be up shortly, then says, "If you get really good, one day you might be in the sugar bowl." I have been satisfied for the rest of the day.