What do you call a snake that's 3.14 feet long?
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︎ Feb 04 2021
My wife asked me, βDid you fog up the bathroom mirror again?β
I said, βI donβt see myself doing that.β
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︎ Feb 13 2021
Exactly 50% of Roger Federerβs name is βerβ!
Thatβs it, thatβs the joke! ;)
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︎ Sep 20 2020
Why da fuck did tha lion eat tha tightrope walker? He wanted er well-balanced meal!
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︎ Oct 03 2020
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︎ Aug 12 2020
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
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︎ Jan 29 2021
I tripped over a box of Kleenex when coming home, needing an ER visit!
Don't worry--it's only tissue damage...
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︎ Aug 14 2020
Why did the man take his Toyota to the ER?
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︎ Feb 07 2020
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
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︎ Jun 19 2019
Wasted 4 hours in the ER this morning getting a mole checked out.
Apparently they all look the same and I should have left it in the yard.
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︎ Jun 22 2020
You made me a Be-reeve-er Be-reeve-er
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︎ Dec 30 2019
I took my 1 year old to the ER with the flu. As the nurse was taking her temperature rectally with the thermometer in the butt, he sympathized with her misery by saying βI know, it stinks.β
To which I responded βIt certainly will when you take it out.β I accepted the long awkward silence that followed as thunderous applause.
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︎ Jan 30 2020
What do you call a monkey with a hand grenade?
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︎ Oct 20 2020
Fendeer Guitar
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︎ Oct 25 2020
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
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︎ Nov 13 2020
I just got word my ex wife was rushed to the ER and tested positive for COVID-19!
So I guess she wasnβt sick of me?
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︎ Apr 23 2020
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
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︎ Dec 25 2020
A staircase is just a stair with extra steps.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
Not a dad, but I have a good one
kid: RERErRErerErRerererererEreRerrerereRrErrrErEre!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?
Dad: Calm down! My ears hertz!!!
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Got er good
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︎ Jan 09 2020
I need help solving a pun/riddle.
Context: I'm in a DnD campaign, for fifth edition.
So basically, one of my characters told a horrible pun to a planetar (Massive angel-like being) over Sending (A spell letting you communicate over long distances). "Whaddya call a celestial who likes to fish? An angel-er." and then he got asked to put his journal in the box that suddenly appeared behind hm, He complied, and when he got it back his name was gone from the first page of the book, and there was a golden box, that read "Tell me what I've pun, wizard" So I'm assuming he needs to answer in some sort of pun related to his name, Klaus Hallowmantle.
However, my brain is smoother than... I can't think of anything to compare it to all of a sudden. Oh well. Anyone who can help me with this?
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I erred when I put the wrong pasta into the dish my girlfriend and I were making, so she gave her joint.
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︎ Mar 17 2020
We need help naming some murderous cats.
We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyoneβs advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.
We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think itβs a boy and girl but I donβt actually know. We pick them up next week.
We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.
So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.
We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??
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︎ Nov 21 2020
What's the best way to check the quality of Lady Gaga's botox?
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Croc-er Spaniel
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︎ Aug 06 2019
My father had a stroke last night. While he was in his bed in the ER with slurred speech and half his face paralyzed, the nurse comes in and asks, "So, what brings you here tonight?"
"The ambulance", he says.
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︎ Apr 17 2018
Wheat farmer headaches (stole this one)
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︎ Apr 23 2020
Iβm an ER nurse and I just found a rectal thermometer in my pocket.
Some assholeβs got my pen!
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︎ Dec 11 2019
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied βOkay, suture selfβ
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︎ Mar 18 2019
What did the ER Nurse say to the belligerent, know-it-all surgeon, who came in with a large laceration?
"Well fine, then. Suture self."
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︎ Nov 15 2019
What did the ER doctor say when the paramedic brought in a badly burnt patient?
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︎ Oct 30 2019
The ER gave my son a stuffed bear to take home. I named him MRSA Major.
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︎ Mar 02 2019
Soup
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︎ Feb 28 2020
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
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︎ Mar 27 2020
I died but the ER staff used defibrillation upon me...
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︎ Jul 25 2019
Yesterday in the ER...
Nurse: Is it alright if I give your mom some potassium?
Me: K.
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︎ Jun 11 2019
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
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︎ Jan 04 2019
If you're pretending to be Swedish don't use the name "Splenda". They'll know you are an artificial Sweden-er
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︎ Oct 10 2017
When I was growing up I wanted to be a professional yoyo-er
I heard the career has a lot of ups and downs
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︎ Apr 11 2019
Did you hear that the Indian restaurant hired a new delivery guy?
Heβs a top-notch curry-er.
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︎ Oct 16 2020
Itβsa fine Mario
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︎ Feb 20 2020
What sorts of footwear do bakers wear?
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︎ Nov 10 2020
My 5 month old got to take home a teddy bear from the ER...
I named him Mrsa Major.
My son is okay. He doesn't have MRSA. But humor helps me (mom) immensely when I am - or my family is - in crisis. I have way better dad jokes than my son's dad.
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︎ Mar 02 2019
If you're pretending to be Swedish don't use the name "Splenda". They'll know you are an artificial Sweden-er.
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︎ Oct 10 2017
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