Empties Puns

I guess the bags are too Hefty.

I replied "in case any visitors want a black coffee."

Pezn’t

Excel says that the glass is January 2nd.

It was unfortunate.

It's soda pressing!

"Why would I want two empty glasses?"

which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.

I just looked at her and said, "Well, that's unfortunate."

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”

Edit: Some people in the comments are saying that this is not a dad joke, I put this here cause my dad told this one to me. Hope this makes sense :)

Nothing.

The optometrist says, “you both need glasses!”

Just one cause then your stomach wont be empty.

Crows just drank at home

Because there isn't a single person there.

I hope they're happy

He wants full custardy.

I told him that it was because he was a pessimist.

The goal is clear.

Or will you suck seed?

(Told this to my wife while we were making dinner and I couldn't stop laughing. She may have broken a smirk and muttered something about divorce).

The clerk responds, "yeah buddy, the lactose is free, you just pay for the milk!"

It's nothing, really.

a hiccup

Due to covid, our family has decided to go cashless..

(Chinese dad joke. Happy new year)

Cheese Was.

Just remembered this today. Not 100% sure where to post this, but it does involve a joke told by my dad, so…

Several years ago, (I was probably 11-13, somewhere in there) my dad started tossing his empty cardboard six-pack holders into the garbage can in the bedroom shared by me and my brother. I don’t know why.

After doing this for a while, he walks into our room, looks in the garbage can, and says “Boys, I’m disappointed by the number of beer containers in your garbage can.” My brother and I grin at the stupid joke, and then we hear Mom from across the hall yell “WHAT?!?”

That took some explaining.

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

They're devoid.

Violets are blue.

Sugar is sweet,

And you would be too...

But the roses are wilted,

The violets are dead.

The sugar bowl’s empty,

And so is your head.

Très empty

Cheez was

I said because she is a pessimist.

Because his wife is a ho ho ho.

I went to the extras bit and clicked on deleted scenes

There was nothing there

Abdominal Snow Man!

We had Chinese food for dinner tonight and after everyone was done we all grabbed a fortune cookie. As we’re all opening our cookies I look over at my oldest kid and it appears her cookie was empty. I looked her straight in the eye and said “that’s unfortunate”.

Luckily, he was soon able to flag down a passing Kerryman driving an empty truck. “Listen mate,” he says, “I’ve got to take these monkeys to the zoo pronto, but I’m stuck here until the AA arrive, any chance you could do me a favour? Here’s £50 for your trouble.”

“No problem,” says the Kerryman, “just load them up and I’ll be away.”

Well, a while later the Dub is just about to drive away, when he spots the same Kerryman driving in the opposite direction still with the monkeys in his truck.

More confused than angry the Dublin fella high tails it and eventually flags the Kerryman down.

“Hey mate, I thought I gave you £50 to take these monkeys to the zoo!” He said

“Sure you did,” said the Kerryman, “But I had a little left over, so now we’re going to the cinema.”

Excel: The glass is January 2nd

You look drunk.

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

I told her because she is a pessimist.

Because there's not a single person there

Ps. I wasn't invited either