My wallet gets emptied too soon

I guess it's walletile.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoKn1fe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2017
🚨︎ report
Alcoholic Recovery: Collecting More Emptied Bottles

Alternatively:

Alcoholic Recovery: Collecting Bottles, Emptied or Full.

Resolution: Alcoholic Recovery, Collecting Emptied Bottles

Resolution: Alcoholic Recovery, Collecting More Bottles

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whygeorgia
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2017
🚨︎ report
My daughter emptied a bag of dry beans inside my van

The van has never had so much legume!

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mybaldbabyyy
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Told my dad it cost me $1200 to get my septic tank emptied

He said "no shit"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ICYURNVS86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Emptied the dryer's lint trap today.

It gave me warm fuzzies.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikemol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
🚨︎ report
[At the therapist] Me: Doc, I have a crippling fear of big, empty spaces.

Therapist: A void?

Me: That’s good advice. Thanks.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Deep very deep.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Me: "The cemetery looks quite empty."

My dad: "People must be dying to get in."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cthulhouette
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My billy goat used to eat empty cans of adhesive..

But now he’s glue tin free.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there’s not a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kennycrab12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I really love big empty whiteboards!

They’re so remarkable!

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Proxysweden
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

πŸ‘︎ 358
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thundernugs_
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a hand sanitizer station that's empty?

A hand sani-teaser....

....

....

Because you think you're going to get your hand sanitized, but you don't, cause it's empty, so it's teasing you...

Yeah?

Yeah?

aww....

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestOfCheem
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "

Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a locked metal box at an auction. The auctioneer said it was from the 1920’s and owned by really wealthy man. There could’ve been some really valuable stuff in it or it could just be empty. I didn’t want to bid anymore than $100 on it.

I thought it was a safe bet.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schutwo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Laughing at the Law

A game warden caught a man fishing without a licence "You're going to have to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket," said the warden.

"But officer," the fisherman replied, "I didn't catch these - they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done, they jump back in the bucket."

"Oh, really? This i've got to see. If you can prove it, i'll let you go without a fine."

The fisherman emptied the bucket into the lake and waited patiently. A few minutes went by and nothing happened.

"So where are the fish?" asked the warden.

"What fish?"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoganWren
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Wellllllllllllllllllllll.....
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I explained to my wife, "Darling, it doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, my point is..."

"You need to buy a different size bra!"

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Two dogs were walking down an empty highway. One of them stopped and defecated in the middle of the road.

When he was finished, he looked at the other dog and said, β€œClean up that mess.”

The other dog sniffed the pile and said, β€œNope. That’s your asphalt!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a dumb empty wallet lack?

Cents

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soviet_bean_man
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the app that helps you find empty churches?

It's called godzillow

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chronossage
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do I do when my tummy is empty?

Eye Fillet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My customers keep complaining that they're receiving empty boxes with no contacts in them

but they're the ones that keep requesting contactless delivery!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into an empty bar, with just the bartender present

He sits down and orders a beer

Then hears a soft voice say "That's a really good color on you"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, shrugs, and sips his beer.

Shortly there after he hears another study voice whisper "That's a really nice tie"

Looking at the bartender the man says "Do you hear those voices? Because no one else is here except you and me!"

The bartender says "Oh yeah.. Sorry about that.. Its the peanuts, they are complimentary"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Empty change machine, broken skunk, the year 2020...

They don't make sense

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misterrandom1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered a self help tape called, "How to handle disappointment."...

When the package came....the box was empty.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Bird feeder is empty.

Anticipating nasty tweets.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evilgenius1917
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Right now everyone in Cleveland is taking social distancing very seriously. Even the walkway around the lake is empty

It's Erie

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.

I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The last thing my grandfather said to me before he died was β€œPints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

πŸ‘︎ 344
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
"I walked into a zoo, it was empty and only has a dog"

"It was a Shih Tzu"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theneatdude2004
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I paid five cents for a dad joke, but it turned out to be an empty, derivative imitation, overly commercialized and lacking any real soul or talent.

Now I want my Nickelback.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
At the dinner table tonight

My wife cracks open an empty fortune cookie and asks, β€œWhat kind of fortune cookie doesn’t have a fortune??” I chuckle between bites and say, β€œCall it a ... cookie.”

It really wasn’t funny but I haven’t laughed so hard in so long I ended up choking on my fried rice.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattisart_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/some-tortel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people like to look at the glass as half full and others like to look at it as half empty but me,

I just like to drink it

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skullshotz1324
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Screenshot.jpeg
πŸ‘︎ 537
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJSaporno
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a pen that can write underwater

It can also write other words too.

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
[true story] Dad and daughter trimming the Christmas tree with tinselβ€” DAD (points to empty spot on tree and says to daughter): β€œLittle more on here.” DAUGHTER (storms off crying)...

...”MOM! DAD CALLED ME A LITTLE MORON!!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are waffles so filling?

Because they’re wa-fulls not waff-empties.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/francethefifth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My utility belt is empty...

Now it's just a waist of space.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KurlyKarl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
When I went to get my prescription, I gave the tech an empty bottle to recycle or whatever. She said, some people like to keep the bottles to put nails and screws in...

I said I don't have too many loose screws.

She smiled.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What does an empty room and a room full of married people have in common?

You can’t find a single person in it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kenduvo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?

Because there wasn’t a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there isn't a single person in the room

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toolaroola12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room of married people be empty?

There's not a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there isn't a single person there.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, β€œI see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, β€œWhy would I want two empty glasses?”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife took me to dinner tonight. She looked at my empty wine glass and asked if I’d like another one.

Why would I want two empty wine glasses.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beardmaster-flash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The barman looked over at me and said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?"

"Why on Earth would I want two empty glasses?" I asked.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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