Where do the corn dogs and pretzels go on a ship during an emergency?

The Mustard station.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hummuskitchen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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I called up Weight Watchers, told them there was an emergency and asked for them to send someone round!

Turns out they’ve got loads of them!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DantheMan350V2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Uh oh... Emergency: you brought me the wrong tool...

This is not a drill... I repeat, this is not a drill!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunetikPrugresiv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Allow me to introduce myself
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/raghav50w
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Taco emergency?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peanutbuttakong
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What number do rabbits call when they have an emergency?

9-bun-bun

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/msboogers
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...

I was ready and wading!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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John Cena emerges from a deep slumber only to find he has wound up in the hospital.

JC: where am I?

Nurse: ICU.

JC: No you can’t.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Prisoner tunnels out of jail and emerges in a school playground shouting β€œI’m free”!

Little girl walks up and shouts β€œI’m four!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.

Guess they needed an emergency service.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darksteel_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.

You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cozykinkajou
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A chef cut himself and went to the emergency room...

The nurses patched him in triage and after a long wait, the doctor called him in. "You'll take about eight stitches and be on your way." The chef replied, "I can tell you're all very busy here, so just hand me the needle and I'll be on my way." The doctor looked by turns insulted, annoyed and dismissive.

"Fine then. Suture self."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarecrow53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy with a hammer kept screaming like it was an emergency...

This is not a drill! This is not a drill! STOP!

.

.

.

Hammer time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConfidentDuck1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency...

I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation

like when you have to change someone's mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail!

They called it a "Jury Summons."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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I guess spring is one the way... birds singing, animals emerging from winter dens, trees budding with potential...

What a re-leaf!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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How would a socially awkward adult go about emerging from a lair of eternal loneliness?

(Asking for a friend)

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texas_OT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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The Novel Coronavirus has become a worldwide health emergency

WHO cares

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I bought some spare cheese

In queso emergency

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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I always keep a Bieber container nearby for emergencies

Justin case

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/v0xx0m
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency...

I said, "911."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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How do you stop your pig in a emergency?

You pull up the ham brakes

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HotBizkitz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
In case of emergency, break glass.

Why would I hurt myself in an emergency?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Psychegotical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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I think this woman I met on Tinder is having an emergency...

She keeps texting me and saying "Get over here RN"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hero_of_Thyme81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
It's an emergency
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomGamer12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Emergency!
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/firemanjoe911
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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Did you hear about Pat Sajaks emergency surgery?

I guess he had to buy a bowel.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AGBalazs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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If there's an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party

You should go to Daenerys exit.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CD_Johanna
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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My friend was creating the world's longest string of hyphens when he had a family emergency...

He had to dash away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
After I brought home my last dog I ended up in the emergency room

Apparently I roverdosed myself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoomerB3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Why'd the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?

It was an emergent sea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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911 whats your emergency?

Man: My wife is getting into labor i dont know what to do

Operator: is it her first born?

Man: no it is her husbend

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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Where do you take someone who's been injured while playing Hide and Seek ?

To the ICU

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πŸ‘€︎ u/enganere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
We got an emergency here!
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MonkeysLikeApples
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Best time to break out the backup cheese?

In queso emergency.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KGAS-12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thundernugs_
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/welfarewonders
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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You guys liked my previous post about my Dads pre-emergency surgery Dad joke...

Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/btsq5u/my_dad_will_be_telling_dad_jokes_till_the_end/

Well, I remembered something else he said once that I find hilarious (now) that you may also.

When I was a kid my chore was to do the dishes, by hand, after every meal bar holidays when I had help and the week of my birthday. One particular time, I must have been about 15 when I asked my Dad, Why don't we use the dishwasher, its easier and it's right next to me?

In the proud tradition of Dads before him he answered, We are using the dishwasher, now hurry up and quit complaining.

I laugh now in hindsight, and for some reason really enjoy doing dishes by hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FloatyMcBoatface
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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What did the Italian astronaut say during an emergency reentry?

Okay buckle in guys were pasta point of no return

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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Why Do You Have To Act Quickly During A Flood

Because it's an emergent sea.

πŸ‘︎ 530
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackKeogh01
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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β€œHello 911.” β€œWhat’s your emergency?” β€œThese men won’t stop laughing.” β€œThat’s annoying, but not a crime.”

β€œWtf is manslaughter then.”

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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My first date with an Emergency department nurse was...

A casual tea

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report

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