There was an inventor in the late 1800s who despised bells, he designed a device that would eliminate every bell in the world.

He was later awarded the Nobel prize

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πŸ‘€︎ u/max69well
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia

Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated

I guess you could say the steaks were high

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ife2105
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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After a heated argument, my kid shouted β€œJim Morrison was overrated”

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catmom81519
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.

He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements.

edit:OC

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πŸ‘€︎ u/max69well
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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My position at work was eliminated and is now being done by a robot.

I guess you could say that I’m jobsolete.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alx924
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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I had a priest perform an exorcism for my house, but I never paid the bill....

It’s been repossessed

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...

Bartender says, β€œThat will be $20.20.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.

But now I can look back and laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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What do you call paper you can’t trust?

A sketch pad

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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In an effort to combat climate change, the U.S. Army will no longer allow rabbits to drive vehicles.

This will eliminate 75% of America’s car bunny missions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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If you could eliminate a race within the year, which would it be, and why?

From my perspective, and it's not going to be a popular one, but it would have to be the Monaco Grand Prix

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamVAcer
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Eliminate
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alonelypickle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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When you counselor eliminate your suicide thoughts.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McMemelord420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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Starbucks will be eliminating plastic straws by 2020

I'd be so mad if I went in to one of their locations the day before they make this happen. That'd be the last straw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trevize1138
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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At least people aren't flying into a rage since they didn't eliminate the airplane
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πŸ‘€︎ u/80nd0
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2017
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How can you find out whether you have constipation or diarrhea?

The process of elimination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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Chess Pun

Did it ever occur to Magnus Carlsen that he could be eliminated from his own chess tournament?

Norway!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freewillson
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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In math, you eliminate something by adding its opposite

So if you make a lighter heavier, will it cease to exist?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
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I had a newly created job as Corporate Critic...

where I could criticize and demean other employees. But the job was eliminated and I was let go when my co-workers complained about my DISS-POSITION.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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The French really hated the English

They even eliminated tea entirely from their pronunciations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DesmondKenway
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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WATCH OUT

I have uncovered a plot by r/punpatrol . They plan to eradicate all puns and dad jokes by going to the source, users. Be warned, they will stop at nothing to get rid of us. They have even taken measures to eliminate moles. We must stop this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyThunderStorm22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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Why did the environmentally-friendly factory require that its workers start wearing suspenders to work?

They wanted to eliminate waist products.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Me to SO: I had a dream that a cow tried to sell me spoiled milk...

SO: really??? Me: It was udderly ridiculous.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oscarwood
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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How do proctologists make diagnoses?

The process of elimination

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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The Bad Spy

During World War 2, a spy working for the East, and a spy working for Great Britain infiltrated Nazi Germany.

Their mission, eliminating a Schutzstaffel officer.

They succeeded, and the british infiltrator taunted his target afterwards

However, his comrade in arms then punched him in the face.

Why ?

>!He had said "You SS are stupid."!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arklaw
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
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Seinfeld and Kramer can't find Elaine...

She left a note saying "I'm leaving tonight for a new life"

The two of them try to track her down, but all efforts fail to find exactly where she is. They search all of the Americas, Europe, Asia, Antarctica, and Australia with no luck, so they ask Toto to help out.

Eventually, using process of elimination, Toto says to Seinfeld and Kramer, "I guess Elaine's down in Africa."

EDIT: Added bits to clarify and help set up the joke. I thought of it this morning after 1.5 hours of sleep so it wasn't well-written at all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aurrutia214
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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My dad just texted me this so I think it counts.

Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.

Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.

Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked about the spoon.

He told me that restaurant's owner had hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. Everyone started to carry a spoon & since the staff is better prepared now they reduced the number of trips back to the kitchen and are saving 15 man-hours per shift.

A few minutes later I dropped my spoon and & my waiter replaced it with his spare. (I think that he thought I was texting him). He said that he would get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right then. Pretty smart efficiency. These are the types of little changes I plan to make as we move forward.

As we finished dessert I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Before my waiter walked off, I asked the him, about the string. He lowered his voice & told me that not everyone is that observant. The consulting firm he had told me about also learned that the restaurant can save time on bathroom breaks. By tying the string to the tip of the penis, the male staff can pull the penis out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash their hands. This small change shortens the ti

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GHOSTWRlTlNG
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Did you hear they have a winner in the cannibal tournament?

Everybody else was eliminated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
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How did the Alzheimers guy figure out what he came into the men's room for?

Through a process of elimination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crankyang
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2016
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My dad told this one a few years ago,

When Bin Laden was eliminated, my dad and his buddies made a drink, they called it a Bin Laden. He asked me if I wanted to know how it's made, I said sure.

He said, "It's really simple, just two shots and a splash."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malabotprime
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
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I still haven't gotten a response

Pic will be found in the comments below

Last night, as I was getting ready to cook dinner, I received a mysterious phone call from a number I didn't recognize and I naturally let it go to voicemail. Surprisingly the mystery caller did leave a voice message and several minutes later I got this text. To eliminate all possibilities I proceeded to listen to the voicemail and ensure it was indeed someone important to me. It was both of my parents(they like to put me on speakerphone so they can talk to me simultaneously) informing me of my Dad's new cellular device.

Now, as far as i can tell, my Dad has never sent a text msg in his life. He's been retired for 10+ years and he loves to talk on the phone to friends and loved ones for hours. He has no reason to text. I also wouldn't put him into a general category when it comes to dad jokes. Meaning he might not have enjoyed this as much as I. So, after much deliberation I decided to welcome my Dad to the world of SMS the only way I felt was appropriate to the relationship we share.

Also, one of my favorite of his sayings is referring to my best friend as suave(Ss-wave) and debonair (De-boner.)

Oh and don't let your meatloaf.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefripps
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2015
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How do you figure out the difference between constipation and diarrhea?

Process of Elimination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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