A peasant's wife told him to go get milk for the baby. Dutifully, he went to the market with the baby and brought home a hefty jug of milk. "You've forgotten the baby!" she exclaimed.
"No I haven't... I got milk for the baby!"
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
Call Of Duty
π︎ 39
π
︎ Nov 20 2022
My boss said as a security guard it's my duty to watch the office
I'm on season six, just don't know what it has to do with security
π︎ 38
π
︎ Dec 16 2022
My brother was addicted to Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare, but he needed a job.
He was eventually admitted to the Infinity Ward.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 28 2022
works well
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 14 2023
Why don't cats have jury duty?
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π
︎ Aug 21 2022
When firearms are banned
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π
︎ Dec 27 2022
How do you discern the gender of an ant?
Throw them in water; if they sink: girl ants
If they float: bouy ants
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π
︎ Dec 24 2022
I'm Starting a Job Hiring Site for Unemployed Nuns
Calling it Missionary Positions
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π
︎ Dec 09 2022
Poor Quasimodo, despite the loss of both arms, attempted to fulfill his campanologist duties by running head-first into the giant bell. Although he did cause the tolling of the carillon, he lost his balance and fell to the pavement below. One witness asked another, "Who is that poor fellow?"
"I'm not sure..." came the reply, "But his face rings a bell!"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 20 2022
The Pastor's last-minute save
So the sad day comes that a family must lay their grandfather to rest. He wished to be buried alongside his wife in the family plot. Unfortunately the family plot is up a long, tall hill and the access road doesn't reach all the way.
The pallbearers dutifully begin to haul the casket up the hill when disaster strikes! One of the pallbearers twists his ankle and instinctively grabs for the casket to steady himself, resulting in all the other pallbearers falling along with him and grandpa going Rogue, his casket sliding down the hill and steadily gaining speed. People are leaping, diving, scrabbling to try to stop their runaway corpse when the pastor charged with giving the graveside sermon calmly reaches into his pocket, retrieves a piece of candy, and--with expert aim--tosses it ahead of the casket. When it reaches where the candy dropped the casket stops dead in its tracks. One of the family members, surprised beyond grief, asks "What on earth did you throw!?"
The pastor responds "Oh, ever since I started doing these services regularly I've kept a packet of lozenges with me. They help stop the coffin."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 22 2022
Man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a bunch of ripped shirts.
Tailor: "Euripides?"
Man: "Yeah. Eumenides?"
Tailor: "What are these?"
Man: "Soccer Tees. How much?"
Tailor: "Err, This Total will be 3.50. Are you on the team?"
Man: "No, I got put on laundry duty cause I broke my Play Toe."
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 25 2023
Did you know Mario is actually Japanese?
Mario is his last name, Itsumi Mario, and his brother, Letsu Gou Luigi.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Aug 22 2022
As a patriot, I have decided to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay import taxes.
Thatβll beβ¦.my Civic duty.
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π
︎ Dec 16 2022
A hot girl came camping with me last week
Let's just say she was pretty in tents
π︎ 101
π
︎ Oct 09 2022
A surgeon got into a motorbike accident that left a big gash on her leg. When she was wheeled into the ER she refused to let the duty doctor stitch her up. "No!" she said, "I don't trust your handiwork!". So the emergency doctor handed over the needle and thread and said:
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 12 2022
My buddy used to be an officer in the Navy until, while on duty 200 feet below the surface and in disputed waters, he participated in a ceremony to become a member of the clergy. He was promptly court-martialled.
It turns out the Navy has a strict policy against in-sub ordination.
π︎ 447
π
︎ Aug 09 2021
The chief of police just said that someone has stolen all their toilets.
They are looking into it, but right now, they have nothing to go on.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Oct 18 2022
The Grim Reaper and I used to share sweeping duties.
I had a brush with Death.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 21 2022
When Iβm feeling upset I surround myself with an NES, SNES, XBOX, a WiiU, and a PlayStation.
π︎ 243
π
︎ Aug 23 2022
My 7.5 (he requested I add the half) year old came up with this one:
Why did Superman clean the bathroom? Because it was his duty.
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π
︎ Nov 08 2022
My son always complains when it's his turn to clean the Honda.
I tell him it's important that we all do our Civic duty.
π︎ 163
π
︎ Sep 20 2022
My wife lost nine pounds yesterday, please congratulate her
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 01 2022
Next week we start diarrhea awareness month.
π︎ 93
π
︎ Aug 14 2022
I'm desperately trying to find out who's been pooping on my lawn
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 27 2022
My sole dutyβ¦
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 15 2021
A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets.
Cops say they have nothing to go on.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Sep 03 2022
"Plagiarism squad reporting for duty"
π︎ 75
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
If I don't let my son play Call of Duty he screams for hours.
So I let him play and he screams for hours.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Turn a ferocious dog into a loyal companion with the click of your mouse! (Heel Spot)
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 30 2022
How do you relieve an executioner from his duties?
You do it with a firing squad.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
Being with her was a call of duty
π︎ 156
π
︎ Apr 02 2020
Had to change my rabbits litter box, the bag weighed a lot.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 18 2022
What do you call a big man's bowel movement?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 21 2022
What do you call a cop in a bed? (Lord help me)
Pig in a blanket πβππ·
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π
︎ Dec 09 2021
I was called up for jury duty today but luckily it didnβt last too long...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
Me and the boys on Call of Duty
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 13 2020
Why did the police officer smell so bad?
Because he was on duty.
-This isn't mine. I can't take credit for it.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 25 2022
What did the soldier say when he realized he had to go to the bathroom?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 13 2022
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
Told to me by my daughter: why did the soldier go to the bathroom?
Because it was his call of duty!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 27 2022
What do Americans say to someone who just got their American citizenship?
π︎ 33
π
︎ May 20 2022
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
Is a dictionary typo just an accidentβ¦
...or a derelexicon of duty?
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 08 2022
What did Abraham Lincoln say when he watched a Call of Duty killcam?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 13 2020
What do you call a store with no bathroom?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 01 2022
Boy or Girl Zebra
Not exactly a one liner dad joke, but I believe this is part of our duty as fathers to intentionally mess with our kids. I tell my girls all the time that boy zebras are black with white stripes, and that girl zebras are white with black stripes (or vice versa you decide but stay consistent). The look of their face trying to think it through when a zebra is on TV after asking if it's a male/female is priceless and you all should give it a go and share the outcome! Dad-on my fellow pranksters.
π︎ 21
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︎ May 23 2022
When itβs dark and you are picking up after your dog while a vehicle drives by with itβs headlights on, it is not only convenient, it is putting a spotlight on your civic duty
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 20 2018
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