β€œDear Diary, I think I have trouble distinguishing between inanimate objects and human beings.”

My therapist: Yes, I see that. Stop calling me Diary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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Swedish inventors have created cyborgs which are hard to distinguish from real humans.

Critics are concerned about the use of artificial Swedeners.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology

They bug me in ways I can't put into words

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile

By paying attention to whether it sees you later, or in a while

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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Is difficult to distinguish between cirrus, stratus, and cumulus clouds...

...especially since most of the time they are in de-skies.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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How do you tell the difference between a chemical fire and an electrical fire?

With a fire distinguisher.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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How to distinguish a man who doesn't have vasectomy from a man who have vasectomy?

There is a vas deferens

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pritejieken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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How can you distinguish a dogwood from other trees?

By the Bark.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mgannett
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2015
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How do you distinguish a male ant from a female ant?

Drop them in a glass of water.

If it sinks, it's a girl ant.

If it floats.. It's a boy-ant.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apple22Over7
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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Two chemists walk into a bar. "I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NullVoidPointer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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I didn't make this up but I wish I knew who did.

It was a gloomy day for a funeral. The widow weeped quietly in the front row. A distinguished gentleman approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you mind if I said a word?" "Please do", she replied. He stands, straightens his tie, and says "Plethora." Then he sits down. "Thank you," she said.

"That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eap42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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How were the twins, both named "E", distinguished from one another?

One was "Bald E" and the other was "Hair E".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
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Whipped this one out at work

One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles.

"I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out."

"So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty?"

At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him... But he did get a chuckle out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2015
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How I proposed to my girlfriend today

Me: knock knock.
Her: who's there?
Me: Mary.
Her: Mary who?
Me: Marry Me.

Edit: she did say yes

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearjew60
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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Playing with fire in my Chemistry lab class

In our groups, we were assigned to burn certain mystery elements, and figure out which element they were based on the color of the flame. When we were done, I told my group that we had just become Fire Distinguishers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Duke_Platinum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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Having Jewish and Catholic ancestors...

it’s been difficult to distinguish between gelt and guilt

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoenigbaer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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What to firefighters use to detect fire?

A fire distinguisher.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hobo_Helper_hot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
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I actually submitted my own idea for a Deadpool movie.

He survives through to the 24th century and gets his own ship. He somehow runs afoul of a certain Bajoran captain who used to be a distinguished ensign on the Enterprise, under Captain Picard.

The movie then becomes about their conflict. The response from the studio wasn't kind. They said I should abort the idea. They said it would be too controversial to make a movie about Ro v. Wade.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2016
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A good friend of mine & his identical twin both caught fire.

I only had the recourses to put out one. Unfortunately I just couldn't distinguish.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
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People who can't distinguish between etymology and entomology,

bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aDazzlingDove
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile

by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/evanmcook
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Do you know how to distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile?

One sees you later and the other after a while.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tzlt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile

by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlovenianGregor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Praefectus27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Do you know how to distinguish an alligator from a crocodile?

By paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CurrentlyForking
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal...

sees you later or in a while.

πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnazS
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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People who cannot distinguish between etymology and entomology ...

Bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know? You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebatmunk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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How can you distinguish an alligator from a crocodile

by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in awhile.

it took me a sec..

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordDobbington
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
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You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodiles by paying attention to whether the animals sees you later or in a while
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMEN786
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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How do you distinguish an alligator from a crocodile ?

Does he see you later or in a while ?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodquest
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile?

One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Two Scientists walk into a bar...

"I'll have H2O," says the 1st. "I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krombopulos137
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
🚨︎ report

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