I don't have any kids. According to my nephew, this disqualifies me from telling dad jokes. But he's always preaching that my diet is too high in carbohydrates, so my eating habits really irritate him and get under his skin.

I guess this makes me his carbuncle.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HAL9000000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
🚨︎ report
What did John Mcenroe say when he was disqualified from the chese eating contest

You cannot brie serious

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barrybilly2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the grape get disqualified from the limbo championship

He kept raisin the bar

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thugnaps
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
"A guy walks into a bar...

and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PersonWalker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was 12, I was disqualified from a track meet for too many false starts. To cheer me up, my Dad...

took me to Dairy Queen. As he handed me my medium Skor Blizzard he said, "Here you go, a DQ you can feel good about." I laughed and felt better.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?

Because it was a cheetah.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the bear photographer get disqualified from the Olympics ?

He took Polarorids

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
If traveling is a violation in basketball then shouldn’t the entire visiting team be disqualified?
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelnpdx
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Paul McCartney was disqualified from the London Marathon this weekend

He was banned on the run.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxfunk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A jockey was disqualified after training his horse to attack other riders

It was an excessive use of horse.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maggock
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the amateur poet disqualified from the writing contest?

The contest was for prose only.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danwvining
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter said her brother was disqualified from the game they were playing. I told him to just say, "I'm a koala!"

Because then he'd be re-koala-fied

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
All the numbers had a race...

Do you who came first? The first number. He one.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iliveinyreyes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A limbo player walked into a bar

They were disqualified

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rh1234556
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a 5 year old farmer?

A kinder-gardener.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p0wd3r
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?

Because it was a cheetah.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?

Because it was a cheetah.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?

Because it was a cheetah.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?

Because it was a cheetah

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catalyst44
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A limbo champion walks into a bar....

He is immediately disqualified

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wTone_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?

It was a cheetah

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Winger910
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
🚨︎ report
World limbo champion walks into a bar

He was instantly disqualified

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gebhuza1972
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?

Because it was a cheetah

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/N0B0dyyy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
🚨︎ report
A limbo champion walks into a bar.

He's disqualified.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A limbo champion walks into a bar

He's disqualified

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TitaniumPeak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A limbo dancer walks into a bar

Disqualified

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A limbo champion walks into a bar

And is instantly disqualified

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy walked into a bar

And was disqualified from the limbo contest.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aguyintheqca
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2017
🚨︎ report
A limbo champion walks into a bar

He is disqualified

πŸ‘︎ 551
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
A limbo champion walks into a bar

He gets disqualified

πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lucatchu947
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
A limbo champion walked into a bar.

He was disqualified.

πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A limbo champion walked into a bar.

He was immediately disqualified.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
A limbo champion walked into a bar.

He was disqualified.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Limbo dancer walks into a bar

gets disqualified.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/colepatrick1111
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A limbo-dancer walks into a bar

He got disqualified

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saad888
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2015
🚨︎ report

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