They used to say America was a democracy.

Now it's a democrazy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ccalabrese01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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Democracy, it is your vote that counts
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prasaadii
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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Did you hear about the eastern European country that stopped being a democracy?

They were Hungary for change!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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Remember: Under Democracy, it's Your Vote that Counts!

Under Feudalism, it's Your Count that Votes!

from my brother

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Democrats claiming counterfeit Viagra out of China is a danger to our democracy.

Apparently, they are trying to influence our erections.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Disco_Ninjas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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I got my democracy teacher today.

We were going through a slideshow about the different symbols in our government. The slide he was on was a picture of the presidential seal of the eagle. Our teacher went on saying,"The president has a seal, the judicial branch has a seal, different branches of the military have their own seals. Many of them look similar to this." and I interrupted saying,"Uh... Sir? That's an eagle..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSoinico
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2015
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After a heated argument, my kid shouted β€œJim Morrison was overrated”

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catmom81519
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Just PUTIN this here for everyone to see.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaceAltair
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...

Bartender says, β€œThat will be $20.20.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Two men are working on a shipping boat headed to Ireland...

They are both quality control managers and are instructed to check on the product before leaving.

They go below deck and open on of the boxes, and inside are hundreds of potatoes. One of them picks one up and notices that it’s a very odd shape for a potato. He picks up another and is also perplexed by its peculiarity.

He picks up a third and realizes that they are all shaped like penises. He says to his friend β€œI don’t think we can work on this ship with all these penis potatoes.”

So they go up to the captains quarters to quit. When they arrive they say β€œCaptain, we cant work on this ship. We would like to get off.”

He looks them in the eye and says, β€œI’m sorry gentlemen. This isn’t a democracy. It’s a dictatorship.”

β€”

Originally read on r/jokes , but reworded for brevity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RefrigeratorRock
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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My Dads opinion on traffic

My sister was slowing down and causing a backup while she was learning to drive. He got impatient with her and said

"THIS ISN'T A DEMOCRACY, YOU CAN'T VOTE TO SLOW DOWN."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dnar_Semaj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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My grandpa sent me this email. King of dad jokes.
  1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

  6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

  14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

  15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

  16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

  17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

  19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  21. A backward poet writes inverse.

  22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

  23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattybreit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
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