Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.

Blue sky at night? Day.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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I invented a new myth to delight my kids

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.

Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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It was an Udder delight to find a pun in the wild! imgur.com/7SVWJrs
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cranky_Windlass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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Power outages delight me.
πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cross_beaux
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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When baby delights, and pitch of voice increases

We call this high coo.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainPatent
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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I delight in winding up my 12 year old daughter

She utterly hates Dad jokes. This, naturally, only encourages me

So, yesterday

Me: Hey Princess! Did you hear they found some crazy insect on the moon?

Her: This is a dad joke isn't it? Please get out of my room

Me: No really. They're calling it a lunar-tic

Her: OUT!

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginolard
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Thieves broke into my house last night. I'm delighted.

They stole all my lamps.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

Nothing he was gladiator.

πŸ‘︎ 524
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthewendigo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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Every person you have ever met..

Started off in-human.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgpitre
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Design
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dansydemansy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Video about harvesting Dill with a dillightful abundance of Dill puns youtu.be/nsdraoTnLcA
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bonobosbananas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Do you like potatoes?

Because I find them very a-peeling.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Satans-Kawk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A burglar stole all my lamps

I should be upset, but I’m delighted

πŸ‘︎ 582
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Koolvin88
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I hope your not as delighted...

Just the other day my neighbors were delighted when they realized someone stole all of their light-bulbs

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoveThyLoki
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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Craig David has volunteered to help out at the next Olympics, he has been assigned to Archery...

He said β€œHe’s delighted to be the bo selecta”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Frilled? He looks delighted!
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grzzlybr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen

He was delighted

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TJPancaker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My dog ate a string of Christmas lights, but the vet was able to remove them.

My dog was delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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The man was absolutely delighted when somebody stole all of his lights!
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogOnACouch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he realized someone stole every lamp in his house.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheS0d0mizer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The man entered his home and Was absolutely delighted to see...

that every one of his lamps were stolen!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robercharlesvl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
DadHelp wanted: more variants for "interrupting cow" knock-knock joke to amuse kids

Everyone knows the interrupting cow knock knock joke but we like making up KKJs for other cows. Here are some of ours; please add more so I can continue to surprise and delight the young people near and dear to me. TIA!

(Obviously each joke goes "Knock knock" etc. I'll just write the "cow" part and the punchline)

  • French cow: le moo

  • Backwards cow: oom

  • Upside down cow: woo

  • Sad cow: moo hoo hoo

  • Ghost cow: moo-oo-oo-oooo

  • Police cow: moo ee oo ee oo ee oo

  • Cow on a motorbike: (make zooming moo)

  • Cow in disguise: Baa

  • Horse in disguise: Moo

  • Invisible cow: (quickly cover child's eyes) Moo

  • Inaudible cow:

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A2S2020
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My six-year-old daughter just delighted me with a completely original pun: What do you call it when you have to go inside at the end of the day?

Funset!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bold0perator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
🚨︎ report
What a delightful morning 😁
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bret46
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
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Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks...

Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrPapotasVIP
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What can you steal from someone to make them delighted?

Lamps

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/liiit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
🚨︎ report
How do you make the candles on your cake really happy?

Just blow them out! They'll be delighted!!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the lightbulb happy when it burnt out?

It was Delighted!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeKrispyKreme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the easiest way to male a glow worm happy ?

Cut off it's tail, it'll be delighted

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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The person who discovered Pi was divorced by his wife Edith because of his obsession with math.

Goes to show that you can’t have your Pi and Edith too.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm going to make a dark joke

It's not going to be delight

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Enji612
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do lamps make people happy?

They bring delight.

My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JediFunHouse
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Interesting breakthroughs in plant-based diets!

Researchers have discovered that when mixed with spices found in popular Hispanic dishes, ground peanuts make a great meat substitute!

It's also been found that an offshoot of the banana family, when fried, makes an awesome faux-fish sandwich!

Craving a frozen treat, but can't handle dairy? Some have found that chilled grapes and prunes can hit that sweet spot in a healthy way!

Keep experimenting with cruelty-free ideas!

TL/DR:

If you like peanut-chiladas, and getting cod from plantains, if you're not into yogurt 'cause you have lactose pains, you could make a lovely delight with some prunes and some grapes. Here's the grub that you've looked for, get that meat off your plate!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chadimus_Prime
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night:

Day.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AAC0813
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Red sky at night, shepherd's delight

meat and potatoes, shepherd's pie.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mingstaHK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
🚨︎ report
Someone stole my lamp!

I was delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A burglar stole all of my lamps! I should be upset...

But I’m delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calm_Fan_381
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm delighted

A burglar stole all my lamps. I should be upset, but I’m delighted!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A man entered his home and was absolutely delighted.

Someone had stolen every lamp in his home.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A man entrees his home and is delighted to see...

That all of his lamps have been stolen!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robercharlesvl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.

He was absolutely delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 347
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πŸ‘€︎ u/entangled_dicks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was delighted when he got inside his house...

...and found out someone stole every lamp in his house.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomearti
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
🚨︎ report
A man was so delighted when he walked in his house

And discovered that someone had stolen every lamp

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vinccool96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
🚨︎ report
A burglar stole all my lamps

I should be upset but I am delighted

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twistyturtles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The sun is great

It's a deLIGHT

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnificent-Moe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A burglar stole all of my lamps.

I should be upset, but actually I’m delighted!

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cplaprade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A burglar stole all my lamps. I should be upset..

But I’m delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djmuhlestein
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report

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