This definitively belongs here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BattleSymphony
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.

This is because they're filled with anty bodies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/four12pls8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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What's the definition of patience?

Your mom saying goodbye at family parties and/or finding a friend at the mall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonnyMike27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2022
🚨︎ report
Definitions for punsters

ABSENTEE A missing golfing accessory

AUTOBIOGRAPHY The car’s logbook

AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do

BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage

BOOKCASE Litigation about a novel

BURGLARISE What a crook sees with

CABBAGE The fare you pay to a taxi driver

CAUTERISE Made eye contact with her

COUNTERFEITERS Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

DILATE To live long

ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living

EYEDROPPER A clumsy ophthalmologist

GRANARY Home for old women

HEROES A guy manning the oars in a boat

HUMBUG Singing insect

LEFT BANK What the robber did when his bag was full of money

MISTY How golfers create divots

NONDESCRIPT Italian actors ad-libbing

NITRATES Cheaper then day rates

PARADOX Two physicians

PARASITES What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

PHARMACIST A helper on the farm

POLARISE What penguins see with

POST OPERATIVE A letter deliverer

PRIMATE Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

RECOVERY ROOM A place to do upholstery

RELIEF What trees do in the spring

RUBBERNECK What you do to relax your wife

TERMINAL ILLNESS Getting sick at the airport

SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does

URINE Or you’re out

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2022
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Definitely caught on a tape
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ridi86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife what the definition of β€œirreverent” was?

Wife: Use it in a sentence.

Me: No problem! What does irreverent mean?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Key-Fishing6132
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2022
🚨︎ report
UnPC Definitions of Heaven and Hell

Heaven is where the cooks are French, the lovers are Italian, the businessmen/bankers are Jewish, the police are Irish and the mechanics are German. Hell is where the cooks are Irish, the lovers are Jewish, the mechanics are French, the businessmen/bankers are Italian, and the police are German.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/derdody
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2022
🚨︎ report
What is the definition of barbarian?

Someone who cuts hair in a library.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2022
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Definitely a stereotype
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elisioth4739
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Can't find a precise definition for the word "ambiguous".

It's unclear, inexact, and open to more than one interpretation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Cannibal (definition):

Noun: someone who is fed up with people.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gosh_golly_gee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2022
🚨︎ report
What's the definition of propaganda?

It's when a British person takes a good look at something.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoonerBear94
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2022
🚨︎ report
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YZXFILE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2022
🚨︎ report
A chicken’s broken wing is, by definition, the best doctor/lawyer you could hire.

They’re unflappable!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevryDriv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2022
🚨︎ report
Although I disagree with the mod's post yesterday about the definition of dad jokes,

I'm glad we're still on the same page

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vietlinh12hoa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2022
🚨︎ report
What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

When you say one thing but mean a mother!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aschephnx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Would crosspost if I could, but thought it definitely belongs here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1000db
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the definition of insanity?

What is the definition of insanity?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nika13k
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Your arms are lovely, but that elbow--it's definitely...

...a site for psoriasis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked what was the definition of reiterate.

I said repeat that.

My daughter asked me what was the definition of reiriterate.

I said repeat that.

My daughter asked me what was the definition of reiriterate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ihavenolifes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the definition of atheism?

It's a non-prophet organisation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/resurrectedCrow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the β€œdry” side.

It’s definitely something that needs addressing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FicklePut3366
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2022
🚨︎ report
They are definitely KINDER
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NathyDre
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
This is definitely the punniest name for a chippy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JessicaFlange
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Has anyone ever gathered definitive proof that the abominable snowman exists?

Not Yeti.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lospolloshermos0s
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What definition has the most debt?

Define

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mean-Mango-7125
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but

The rest are definitely goimg to call ne a nomster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/razzec_phone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the definition of a surprise?

A fart with a lump in it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bocabart
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2021
🚨︎ report
You definitely do not want a bunch of fungus in your house.

There isn't mush room for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Finally read the Definitive Guide to Watchmaking.

It’s about time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo…

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, β€œHey! What the hell, man?”

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling bear of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats bamboo shoots and leaves.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toasterstrewdal
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2022
🚨︎ report
Definitely
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Definitely not how you want to get to school
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πŸ‘€︎ u/damagedtrash
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate most numbers. The number 2 is definitely second rate, and 3 looks like fish lips. Don’t even get me started on the numbers 4 through 9. 0 means nothing to me.

Should I feel bad for hating so many numbers? Nah. God just wants us to love everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuddenSasquatch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2021
🚨︎ report
whoever this happened to definitely has some problems to bear
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Einliterflasche
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What is Hitler’s favorite note

Well, it’s definitely Not C

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustSealYT
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2022
🚨︎ report
I told my doctor I couldn't hear in my left ear. He ask if I was sure.

I said yes, I am definite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaxCWebster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2022
🚨︎ report
Did you watch the football game between the NFL vs. parolees?

It definitely had its pros and cons

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2022
🚨︎ report
They’re making a movie about clocks.

It’s about time. I’m definitely going to watch it.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2022
🚨︎ report
Are you the most coveted book at the library, or what?

Cause I’m definitely checking you out!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tronalingus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2022
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room. He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out. Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance. Some days I just feel like I don't have the capacity for raising kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkodus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,

but it’s definitely up there.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2022
🚨︎ report
Moth

The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says β€œWhat’s the problem?”

Moth says β€œI don’t even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I’m too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I’ve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we’ve ever had to face in this region. Isn’t it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn’t that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there’s my son. Doc, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn’t such a coward, Doc, I know I’d be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I’d be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I’m judgemental yet I care about nothing. I’m bitter, hateful and afraid. I’m alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.”
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says β€œJeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?”
The moth says,”Your light was on.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyahzar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2022
🚨︎ report

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