my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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When he found out I was sick, my friend messaged me, hoping that I will quickly find a deep hole in a ground full of water.

I'm happy he wished me to get well soon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water

I know he meant well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Sparky_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Why do deep sea divers fall backward from a boat when entering the water?

If they went forward they'd end up back in the boat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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Constance Wu is in deep waters
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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What does a frog say when you ask how deep the water is?

Kneedeep, Kneedeep

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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My friend said that I'm in a deep pit of water

I know he means well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Dad struggles to tread water in the deep end

β€œI can’t stand it here!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexanderplam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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How deep does water have to be to be ankles deep?

Two feet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WedWadio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2017
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A Frenchman was frustrated after digging a deep hole only to have it fill with water.

"Eau well!" he exclaimed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mayo_Spouse
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
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Did you hear about the blind man who fell in a deep hole full of water?

Apparently he didn't see that well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScoutsOut389
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
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My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill

So I sent him a "get well soon" card

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedCakesYT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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My next door neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tankerman05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.

It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redwards2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?

It's because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jshrad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2016
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All my friends hate me for this one

What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?

Do not consume if seal is broken

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexthescot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
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What do old people and swimming pools have in common?

They’re both full of pee but only one can hold their water. So I guess it deep ends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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So my wagon got really wet after the storm last night...

I left it beside the shed in the alley. The next morning it was soaked, and super deep with water. I would have just poured it out, but I'm in an apartment and the landlord would get mad; no good place to pour it out. So my buddy gave me this instructional video, and it really helped out. My wagon's dry as a steel owl now thanks to this video. I highly recommend it. It's called "How to Drain Your Wagon".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perhaps_Xarb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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The Cheating Painter

A man was a painter, he sold paint and also painted houses for people. However, he liked to water down the paint and thin it. He would cheat his customers by forcing them to buy more paint than they needed due to the low quality.

One day, while up on a ladder painting a house with his thinned paint a bolt of lightning struck at him and he fell to the ground.

He heard a deep booming voice from heaven yell "repaint and thin no more!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2015
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I took my son out fishing today...

He said, "Dad, the fish just aint biting here, can't we go out a little further?"

I looked sternly at him and responded, "Son, catching fish in deep waters is eel-advised."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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What do you call a men with no arms or legs?

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pond? A: Bob

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs under a car? A: Jack

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your mailbox? A: Bill

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on a wall? A: Art

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pot? A: Stu

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs sitting on a grill? A: Frank

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? A: Rustle

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pot hole? A: Phil

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the bottom of a hole? A: Doug

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the bottom of a not as deep hole? A: Douglas

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs at your front door? A: Matt

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs on the floor at a barbershop? A: Harry

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs that works at a brewery? A: Bud

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs water-skiing? A: Skip

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhinobird
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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Holes in the pool

When I was a kid my dad would take me to this public pool by our house. He'd carry my because the water was too deep for me but he'd always fall into these damn holes and I'd end up underwater. Sure it was kind of fun but when I got older I couldn't find any holes.

TL;DR My dad is a fucking LIAR. j/k love you dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrExpress
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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The "Philogelos" is a collection of ancient Roman dad jokes

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

  • A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

  • When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

  • A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

  • A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

  • A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."

  • A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"

  • A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"

  • A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'

  • An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."

  • A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"

  • A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"

You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AttalusPius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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My Dad might be Pryor

Not so much a joke, but...

During our annual Thanksgiving drive to Grandma's we pulled into a rest stop and while we were standing at the urinals, I said "Damn, that water is cold" to which -- and my Dad has never had a sense of humor, not even dadjokes -- my Dad said without missing a beat: "and deep too!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nkwiw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
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My friend in the country couldn’t afford his water bill...

So I sent him a β€˜Get Well Soon!’ card.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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My friend keeps saying, β€œCheer up, it could be worse, you could get stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elephants_Foot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse

I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dropanddash
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.

So I sent him a "get well soon" card.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanglimara
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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Why did the blind man fall down the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snowbro23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2017
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Why did the blind man fell in the well

He couldn’t see that well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucasKNN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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