Had a painter and decorator round this week. He's a furloughed airline pilot...

He made a lovely job of the landing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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What did Jesus the Interior Decorator say in his final moments?

It is furnished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faberj92
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.

He did a lovely job of the landing.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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I have had a decorator in this week. Turns out he is normally a Pilot for BA, but has been furloughed due to Corona.

He did a lovely job of the landing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Messy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Why did the decorator use wallpaper with aircraft on it?

Because they where told to use plain wallpaper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Driconian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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So, and Interior Decorator made me swallow paint...

I'm fine, but I think I dyed a little inside

Edit: grammar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamFN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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I asked my friend, an interior decorator, what trends are popular right now...

He said chimneys are through the roof!

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2017
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My home decorator passed away and

It was curtains for her

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCenturion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2011
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The other day I decided to install a highly decorative wall plug in my living room.

I needed a creative outlet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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The decorations were from a second hand store
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ha-Ka-Tu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stalnoypirat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Decorated for Christmas with puns and tiny hats reddit.com/gallery/kkha7r
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgpostbox
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Believe it or not, my wife appreciates my input when we go shopping for decorations...

...the one thing I actually look forward to when we go to Hobby Lobby is the moment we're walking through the store, I try to keep a perfectly straight face and act like I have a genuine interest in something on the shelf, I reach up and I say something like, "Oh, look at this nice little Stool sample!"

(Not really a joke, but a true dad joke recurring scenario of mine)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Did some Christmas Cake decorating
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the1kingdom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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What’s a drug addicts favourite part of decorating the ginger bread house?

Doing the white lines

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-person-online
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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What do you call a Christmas decoration made out off $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leobloom23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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To avoid taking down my Xmas decorations...

....I am turning my house into a Chinese restaurant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?

Gnomads.

(I'm not a dad but I came up with this one last year and have been dying to share it.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadLuck627
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Just got back from a walk looking at all the decorations.

Pisses me off how early people are putting their Christmas lights up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValanLucasCircus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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My one friend told me that even though I decorate the church for the holidays...

I probably shouldn't go around calling myself a proud cross dresser.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OranMilne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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What do gangstas decorate their Christmas trees with?

Hood ornaments

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironfist221
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Today I started decorating the Christmas tree with my kids....

But they started screaming and complaining, so I had to take them down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I got a sore throat after eating some Christmas decorations.

I had to get my tinsels taken out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Instead of decorating my whole house this year, I decided to put all of my lights in my drinks cupboard instead..

We'll Christmas is all about Makings Spirits Bright

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Why do bottomless shoes count as Halloween decorations.

Because they have no soles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilleyal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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What is a pirate’s favorite holiday decoration?

GARR-land

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrPewpew
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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How did the frustrated husband decorate the christmas tree?

Blue balls

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -

It's the traditional changing of the gourd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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My business of making T-shirts decorated with dayglo currency was struggling, so I asked my dad for advice.

He said, β€œI’ve told you a million times, money doesn’t glow on Tees.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Not my joke in any way but thought people might like it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Death-to-Raisins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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My daughter, Eliza, kept asking me to use my 3D printer to make monogrammed chairs for her dolls. Last Sunday I printed over 100 of them. She was so happy. She started putting them on everything for decoration.

We had a Sunday, everything with a chair E on top.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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I am going to decorate my next christmas tree with miniature tnt sticks instead of candy canes

Oh tannen-bomb oh tannen-bomb...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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My friend tried to sell me his used Easter egg decorating kit...

I said, "no thanks. I'll Paas."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My easter decoration is an egg-cellent break dancer. v.redd.it/t563s1xkfas41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pyratemime
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Unemployed Pilot (Dad still killing it at 70)

My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):

I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landingπŸ˜¬πŸ‘

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Garbarrage
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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My friend invented highly explosive decorative flooring...

It's pretty vola-tile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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I quit my job of drilling holes in decorative wooden plaques...

It was pretty boring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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It's tradition in my family to always put up the Chris-mas decorations the day after Thanksgiving
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamilliousThePaws
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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What about the star?

My husband and I finally finished decorating the Christmas tree tonight. There’s always a star and we forgot to grab the box from the basement. I said to my husband, β€œWhat about the star?” Without skipping a beat, he says, β€œIt’s 2020. Zero stars.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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364 days until Christmas and people ALREADY have their decorations up. /r/oneliners/comments/eg1…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wiedmaier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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My friend wanted me to run some moonshine in decorative bottles out of state for him, but I'm wary...

That's pretty whiskey business.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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How does the sea decorate for Christmas

With coral reefs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fairywithcancer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommadds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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Just had a painter and decorator round, hes a furloughed Virgin Atlantic pilot.

He made a lovely job of the landing....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retrotone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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What do you call a Christmas decoration made of $100 bills that can play R&B hits?

Aretha Franklins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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