My friend must have been deafened by all the noise at the fish market...

You had to yell when you spoke to him; he was hard of herring.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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A judge was deafened by the sound of a gunshot and ended up in the hospital.

They say that he would be missing today's hearing.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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Three old and deafening men were hanging out at a bar.

The first says: β€œWindy isn’t it?”

The second says: β€œWednesday? Isn’t it Thursday?”

The third says: β€œThirsty? Let’s order some drinks!”

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayrockuster
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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I'm Deaf, I teach sign language, and I hadn't heard this Helen Keller joke before.

(Technically I haven't heard any joke before, but...)

I was telling my dad about tactile sign, which is what deafblind people use to communicate. It is like signing condensed ASL with someone's hands on yours, and it is what I plan on specializing in when I am a Certified Deaf Interpreter. He brought up Helen Keller and the conversation went as follows.

Dad: "But how many people can really do that? How many people could really communicate with Helen Keller?"

Me: "Well-"

Dad: "PROBABLY JUST A HANDFUL!"

I'm borderline convinced he deafened me as an infant in hopes that someday the set up for this joke would present itself.

πŸ‘︎ 749
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haydenkristal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
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Wife groaned hard over this one

Right after a large chicken dinner, my wife and I were sitting on the couch letting everything digest. A little flirting commenced, but we knew it wasn't going anywhere immediately b/c we were stuffed.

Wife: maybe a little later. Me: oh, is there a 2 hour wait between chicken and pork?

The groan was deafening. I regret nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 664
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hiro24
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
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Dad joked my sister
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gammacamman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2015
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My father in law is a pro

My father in law hurt his foot last week. We asked him if it has healed yet.

"Oh, it is 'healed', but it is not well, yet"

The groans in the room were deafening.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevbob02
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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We were all out at dinner taking about meats

Friend 1: yeah, I used to cure my own meat Friend 2: oh no! What was it sick from?

deafening silence except for me spitting out my bread

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flyingvaders
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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I'm learning quickly.

Co-workers were talking about going to a beer tasting this weekend. Here is how the conversation unfolded.

Coworker 1: They are show casing pale ales this time.

Coworker 2: When is their ales and stouts tasting?

CW1: Oh it was last weekend.

CW2: Damn, a stout sounds so good right now.

Me: Man, sounds like you really miss-stout.

Deafening silence.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theintention
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
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Just remembered one my dad used to tell when I was little...

Dad: "There are 2 guys on a boat: Pete and RePete. Pete falls into the water, who's left on the boat?"

Young me: "RePete"

Dad: "There are 2 guys on a boat: Pete and RePete. Pete falls into the water, who's left on the boat?"

Young me: "RePete"

rePete until groans become deafening

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsameLuigi1018
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2015
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In which I pull a Dad joke and cringe induces

spills water down myself when drinking

Me: β€œSorry, I have a drinking problem”

Her: β€œHahahaha”

forget her dad has drinking problem

Me: β€œThat is such a dad joke”

silence is deafening

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rozzeh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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Outlet malls

I'm a dad, so this counts right?

Some coworkers were discussing outlet malls when I piped up, "I don't know why people make such a big deal about them. I think Home Depot has the best price on outlets."

The eyerolls were deafening.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2013
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