This morning my 1 year old who can't walk very well held my hand and stepped down from a curb.

So young and already making great strides in life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chicksOut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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My son is the best ever at pulling the car aside a curb in line with other vehicles...

His parking is unparalleled!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Curby
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Overall_Instance
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Curby (road curb. Should have explained its self)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlothGaurdian101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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I heard a guy crying on the curb this morning because he wrecked his car

β€œWas it a Saab?”

No, more of a whimper

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bhammy6
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
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My son is currently putting a bag of leaves at the curb

Once he's done it'll be a bag of lefts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chicachibi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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I was asked the other day why I kept walking on the curb

I said β€œI like to live life on the edge”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pandarth_Omega
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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Day Job

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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A man crashed his car into the sidewalk

It curbed his enthusiasm.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."

A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."

A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.

The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"

Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.

"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"

"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."

"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."

"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"

The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"

The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.

Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernameshortage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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I once met a flat earthier who was really excited to tell me everything about the flat earth (not knowing that I believed in a round earth)

I told him, β€œwoah, slow down buddy. Curve your enthusiasm”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danlehavj
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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A string goes into a bar. He asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says β€œwe don’t serve string here.

So the string goes outside and waits for a while. He goes back in and sets at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says β€œwe don’t serve string here. So, frustrated the string goes back outside and sits n the curb. Boom, he gets run over and tumbles and starts to come apart.
He goes back into the same bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks closely at him and says β€œhey aren’t you that piece of string that was just in here?” The string looks him in the eye and says β€œnope, I’m a frayed knot!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfntx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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Jokes I didn't need to hear from my Dad s01e01

My mom had surgery on her arm today. When she got out, my dad was joking with the nurse asking when she'd be able to vacuum, do the dishes, etc. Nurse just rolled her eyes at everything.

My mom in an attempt to curb his joking, said 'By the way, honey, the doctor said no sex for a month'

He responds instantly with 'Okay, what'd the dentist say?'

Took my mom a minute to get it.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whatevers_clever
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2015
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I thought I failed my parallel parking test.

Luckily my driving instructor grades on a curb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjjsteen3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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My girlfriend got me with this one after lunch

My girlfriend and I were walking out of a fast food place after eating, on the way back to our car I was walking along a curb with my arms out like a tightrope walker. She looked at me and said "must have been a well balanced meal."

I think she's the one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dark_Devin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2017
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Two potatoes were walking together down the street.

They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured potato called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured potato was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. "I have good news, and I have bad news," he told the uninjured potato, "The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news... is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
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This one is too long for just a title. But, I promise that this really just happened.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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I was in the E.R...

This was a little while ago. I fell off a roof, landing back first on a curb (I'm fine, luckily). The nurse had just finished taking my vitals when this exchange went down:

Nurse: "Do you smoke cigarettes?"

Me: "Nope"

Nurse: "Alcohol?"

Me: "I don't smoke it!"

(bonus!) Doctor: "Well looks like we don't have to check him for a concussion!"

πŸ‘︎ 385
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πŸ‘€︎ u/managong
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2015
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I didn't mean to get all sappy, but..

.. I did just take the Christmas tree out to the curb.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
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When my dad and his brothers were little, my grandpa would always ask them, "who wants to go park?!"

They would all get excited thinking they were going to go play in the park, they'd all load up in the car, and my grandpa would back the car out of the garage and park it on the curb outside the house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HardcoreDesk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
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A joke my dad would say when I was learning how to drive.

Every time I'd park the car more than 6 inches away from the curb he'd open the door, look down at the gap between the car and the curb, then close the door and say "I guess we can take the shuttle."

I guess it's not really a dad joke but it's definitely dad humor. Now I say it every chance I get.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wustebarth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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Garbage day tomorrow

Time to set the garbage cans to the curb, and, of course it's cold and very windy. This is the best dadjoke I could come up with, and my daughter bested me at my own game.

Me: "It's so windy, I "refuse" to take out the garbage."

She: "That's just trashy. What a waste!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anyeyeball
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2017
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Wife asked if I brought in the mail.

I said yes, but the female is still sitting on the curb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djbfunk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2016
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Fred Flintstone was driving to work one day...

...and accidentally hit a curb going around a corner. Since then, any time he loosens his grip on the steering wheel, his car drifts to the right. Knowing he needed to have it serviced anyway, Fred goes to the local dealership to figure out what's going on. At the service desk, Fred talks to the manager about how his steering wheel is acting funny.

Service manager: "Oh, that's pretty common. You just need an alignment."

Puzzled, Fred asks, "What's wrong with it that an alignment can fix?"

Ushering Fred over to his car, the service manager answers, "It's pretty obvious, actually. If you look right there, your front driver-side wheel has too much toe."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faerco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2016
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I got my brother pretty well

My brother and I had been moving a stove from a basement to the curb this morning.

Afterwards, he was complaining about having sore arms. I told him it was probably because of the stove we just lifted.

He replied saying he can lift more than the stove easily.

I said "yeah, probably because the stove doesn't lift"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AQuestionMarkk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2015
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Fireman told me this one

Really close family friend of ours told us this one that allegedly happened while he was on duty. I'm going to tell it from his perspective, as it reads the 'funniest'.

So I'm on duty and we have to go and put out a simple brush fire off to the side of a busy intersection. Since it's the dry season of Southern California literally the smallest spark can cause a giant fire you know, so we're trying to put it out pretty fast. So we arrive there and we notice that an ambulance is speeding down the road to this one pretty sharp bend, and you know, they're making haste since they're on a code 3. A code 3 is where both the siren and the lights are on at the same time and they obviously have something that they need to do. Anyways, they're speeding around this corner and one of the backdoors gets flung open and a cooler flies out and lands at the curb. By this point we've handled the fire and we're just assessing the damage, like where it's spread, stuff like that, so I go and retrieve the container and I open it and inside there's a human toe in there. I tell most of my crew and we decide that we'll get the toe back to the paramedics and then head back to the station. So we call the emergency services and we let them know that some EMT's have left a human body part and didn't come back to get it. They tell us, "we'll have someone come pick it up soon". We wait about 20 minutes and no one arrives and we're all a bit startled that no one's come back to come pick up a fucking human toe, so we call back and they give us the same thing. Half an hour goes by so I decide to call AAA and see if they can help us. Sure enough, AAA is able to help us and within 10 minutes they dispatch the help we need by sending us a toe truck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XIGRAHAMIX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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Dad told me this one some years ago.

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You put a drop of this turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackbutters
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2014
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My dad at it again

We are driving around downtown Chicago and we spot a bride standing by the curb close to a bus. My dad's fiance says "that bride better not get hit by that bus". My dad retorts "if she did, it would be a sign from above".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/comradexkcd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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