Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.

...It was Kief or Southernland.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you add two crystals to two other crystals?

Crystal Math.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePandaExcess
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about piezoelectric crystals?

They have a lot of untapped potential.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blckpythn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
happy crystal clear new year
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/patrickpang
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What drugs do teachers use?

Crystal math

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TiesG92
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do gypsies walk funny?

They have crystal balls

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sharplight141
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the psychic and accidentally broke her crystal ball.

It cost me a fortune.

πŸ‘︎ 138
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I bought a crystal ball from an auction recently...

I figured it must be worth a fortune.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I dropped my Crystal Ball and it shattered.

I should've seen it coming.

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/evilgeekwastaken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Deodorant irritates my skin, so I got one of those deodorizing crystals. I tried to figure out how it works

It just doesn't make scents.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lbunch1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Math. Not even once.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2018
🚨︎ report
A scientist ran up to me and hit me with a halite crystal and two voltaic cells

Somehow, I was charged with a salt and battery.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToroZuzuX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?

Their careers were in ruins.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Husband told me he'd gotten me a 14-carat diamond. Sigh.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pargsnip
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
🚨︎ report
If a crystal grows to exactly 1609.344 meters in length...

... is it a milestone?

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfairy
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Crystal Ball

If I had a crystal ball, I would sit very carefully.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quepyas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2017
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a fortune teller's shop

He asks to have his future read and the fortune teller happily does so. After gazing into her crystal ball she starts to laugh uncontrollably. The man hits her immediately to which the teller asks: Why did you do that??????? The man replies, I've never struck a happy medium before

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Adultery is a sin!
πŸ‘︎ 279
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
🚨︎ report
The people that invented laser diamond cutting are addicted to crystal math
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amishrakefight1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
🚨︎ report
In Canada Cinderella has a crystal boot

I guess you can say it's a boot a boot

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joaquin-_-
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
🚨︎ report
My friend was arrested because he was carving equations into a block of quartz.

He was charged with manufacturing crystal math.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I know it’s not gneiss to say it, but..
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
🚨︎ report
A frog walks into a bank.

He approaches the teller, Ms. Ursula Paddywhack. He says he needs a loan.

"What for?" asks the teller.

"I want to build a house," the frog replies. "Nothing too fancy, but I want $20,000."

"Do you have any collateral?" asks the teller.

The frog takes out a small crystal horse. "Would this be enough?"

"No, that's not enough," the teller replies. "Do you have anything else?"

"My father is Keith Richards," says the frog.

The teller, unsure what to do, goes to the bank manager. She describes the entire situation and asks for advice. The manager says,

"It's a knick-knack, Paddywhack. Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsNinety
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
If the leaning tower of Pisa was a gemstone, what formation would it be?

Crystal-lean.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don't witches have children?

Because warlocks have hollow weenies and crystal balls!

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/texasjoehotdog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
🚨︎ report
There’s a magician

who claims he can heal anyone with magical crystals. He announces to a crowd, β€œanyone who needs something healed, step right up and I can heal you with my powers!” Someone steps up, on crutches. β€œHi, I’m Phil, can you fix my leg?” He asks. β€œYes! Of course! Phil, step behind the curtain!” Answers the crystal guy. Then, another man steps up. β€œYou seem fine! What’s the problem?” The crystal guy asks. β€œI h-h-have ha-had this st-stutter since I wa-was five.” He said. β€œOk, I can fix you right up!” The crystal guy says, motioning the guy with the stutter behind the curtain. Then, he says some sort of chant, moving crystals around. Once he is done he shouts, β€œPhil, throw a crutch over to prove you’re healed!” A crutch goes flying over the curtain. The crowd gasps. β€œNow, sir, with the stutter, say something!” He shouts, showing off it worked. β€œU-uh Ph-Phil fe-ell d-down.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SaucyyThomas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad has been watching too much Breaking Bad

This morning he goes, "What's the word for the process of accounting for precious stones?

..........crystal math."

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeadAndLovelyNow
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080p

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/franz-hanz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080p

πŸ‘︎ 173
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080 Pee

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mckraken01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you go to the toilet and pass crystal clear urine?

1080 pee.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aldo712
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal-clear urine?

1080P

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rkcorinth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dpb11223344
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call crystal clear pee?

1080p

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/recrafted
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Geologists do crystal math
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kevbot0492
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call glasses for your balls?

Spectacles

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TraditionSmashed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Two crystal balls on a table...

... one turns to the other and says, β€œI don’t know what she sees in you.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ben_iAmHere
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
You might want to invest in Crystal balls

I'm told there is future in it

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/El_chupacabra611
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do male gypsies walk funny?

They have crystal balls.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tds_dgs
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Alright guys, here's my dad's all time favorite.

So my last name is Cleary. And he would always joke that he wanted to name a son seymore and a daughter crystal. There are so many other jokes but this is the one that sticks with me.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GDAftw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.