"What did you steal?" the judge asks
"A can of peaches," she replies.
"How many peaches were in the can?"
"Six," she answers
The judge says "then I'm sentencing you to six days in jail."
The woman's husband screams out "she also stole a can of peas."
A BAAAAAAAD MOOOOOOD
"One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
It's because of all the arguments.
They are hot cross buns.
His bark was worse than her blight.
For resisting a rest.
A Grumpa.
βExcuse me, could you help me?β I asked.
He grunted in response, barely looking at me.
βUm, Iβm looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? Iβm trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.β
He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, βDo we look like a pet store?β And he turned around and walked away.
I took a fence.
They're just too shady.
But have you heard of Coleβs Law? Itβs thinly sliced cabbage.
The bartender says, βYou can stay, but donβt start anythingβ
They have lots of patients.
A couple are arguing about whether they should cancel the picnic they had planned.
It's kind of cloudy, but the wife still wants to go because the forecast looks ok.
The husband, however, heard from their cranky old Russian neighbor Rudy that his joints were achy, and that he was certain it was going rain that day.
The couple argues for a while. The wife insists they should listen to the weather man over some crotchety old neighbor. The husband is equally insistent that the neighbor is right about this. After some back and forth, he finally turns to his wife, exasperated, and says:
Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.
He took a break, he couldn't bear it.. he was cranky, tired and exhausted.
They get really cranky if they don't get enough sleep
Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.
On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.
Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.
Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck.
"Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids."
"Oh." He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. "So... now you're hurting from head... to toe?"
Motherfucker.
cranky!
My dad looks over at a cranky old waitress and says "this lady has a good sense of humor."
I'm puzzled for a few seconds and then I see her nametag: HA.
Wife was trying to feed our new born, and since it was via a C-section, the amount of milk being produced is minimal for the first week. Baby was cranky and some milk spilled and she got upset...
"Don't cry over spilled milk" - I said..
Also, told her I can now post the above to /r/dadjokes because I'm a dad.
We were on a day trip with our toddlers, and they were being pretty cranky.
I said "Look guys, you just need to make it until the tasting room opens, then Mommy and Daddy will be much happier"
Without missing a beat, she says "I don't know, I've had enough whine this morning"
As my co-workers gather round, she sobbed loudly "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!"
"One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler...
