If pro is the opposite of con,
is progress the opposite of congress?
π︎ 27
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
Why did the stone mason break up with the con artist?
He was taken for granite.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jul 20 2020
Found Martin Griffiths on comic con, he did commissions and drew me a tattoo :D
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 03 2020
Pros and Cons of making food
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
To the class of 2020, con-graduations
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 23 2020
What do you call an Egyptian architect turned con man?
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 24 2020
What do you call a con artist that can air bend?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 15 2020
Did you hear about the group of hulk cos-players at comic con?
They held a challenge to see how could get angrier then them.
It was out-rage-us!
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 02 2020
What are the Pros and Cons of having a Switch?
A Pro controller and Joy Cons.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 16 2020
Cosplayers are just con artists
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 18 2020
What's an appropriate exclamation to both arresting Rowan Atkinson and opening up a can of Chili Con Carne?
Come out of there, you little Bean!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 31 2020
This guy pulled off a 5-month long con with a hidden fake mustache just to make a dad-joke pun...and itβs amazing
π︎ 533
π
︎ Sep 09 2019
Did you hear the one about the stone mason who was married to a con artist?
She took him for granite.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 17 2020
What do you say to an electrician that has no confidence?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jul 10 2020
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending!
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 28 2019
I hear that white collar prison isn't bad...
It has its pros and its cons.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
I needed hot air balloon pilots for an event. I could either hire or use prison labor.
Dad told me I should weigh the pros and cons first.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
Did you hear about the prisoners who got melter together?
It was con-fusing, to say the least
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
Visible confusion
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 27 2019
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...
Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
π︎ 101
π
︎ May 13 2020
If the opposite of pros are cons, then the opposite of progress is...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 08 2019
Did you know Hartford, CT has the friendliest criminals?
They excel at con-etiquette.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
pros and cons of switch
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jun 05 2019
What a con-cept
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 17 2019
This guy pulled off a 5-month long con with a hidden fake mustache just to make a dad joke...and itβs truly amazing
https://i.imgur.com/O6ePcMG.jpg
I canβt imagine what that guy is doing now...what left is there to do in life after reaching the pinnacle of dad jokes.
An inspiration to us all.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Sep 09 2019
How do guards decide who the best prisoner is?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
My friend is taking an exam about bad puns how to scam peoples money.
It's a pun-ching con-test
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
I think Nintendo produces their joy-cons on Tokyo
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jul 27 2019
Pros and Cons of Pine Trees
https://preview.redd.it/l1bw02kr5k131.png?width=799&format=png&auto=webp&s=3e9d827518b2c69da1d87c1815a47a208a906c7a
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 31 2019
What do you call a female con artist?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 14 2019
I've been thinking about the pros and cons of becoming a pirate.
On the one hand, I like stealing treasure, but on the other hand, I don't want to have to wear a hook.
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 24 2019
My wife was just conned into buying an awful used mirror.
It reflects poorly on her.
π︎ 218
π
︎ Aug 06 2018
Marriage has its pros and cons..
On one hand you get to wear a ring. On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Apr 12 2019
Went for the long con with my wife
I had a little mishap with a pruning saw in the yard and asked my wife to patch my finger up. She's a nurse, so I figured she'd dress my wound better than I could. She started off with cleaning up the cut with a betadine swab.
Wife: "This might sting a little bit."
Me: Yup. Yup that stings.
Wife: Sing a song. It'll take your mind off of it.
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to put on the red light,
Those days are over you don't have to sell your body to the night..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight,
Walk the streets for money you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "You know who sings that, right?"
Wife: "Yeah, the Police."
Me: "Who and the Police?"
Wife: "Sting?"
Me: "Yes it does."
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jul 04 2016
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall...
...I thought to myself, thatβs a little condescending.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Sep 13 2019
The film "The Longest Yard" has its pros and cons.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 05 2019
Top Quality Con-Tent
π︎ 26
π
︎ Sep 06 2018
As a private investigator, I'm pursuing a con man by tracing his stream of impoverished victims...
Yes, he left a pauper trail.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 07 2019
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 27 2020
Did you hear about the penny that was forced to do something against its will?
It did not give con cent.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 28 2020
my wife's long con
Not exactly a dadjoke, but she learned from the best.
So, it was last sunday and we did a family trip to the zoo with the whole family. Now our kids are 3 1/2 and 1/2 and we named them after strong animals, think "Leoni" (the Lioness) and "Falc" (the Falcon), not exactly those names, but you get the gist. We decided about our daughter's name about 4 years ago.
While we were standing at the entrance queue, my wife gently stroked our daughter's hair, lifted up our son, placing a kiss on his forehead, looked at me smiling and said:
"I have been waiting for this so long!"
"Uhm, to stand in line at the zoo?"
"No, honey, to .... take our zoo to the zoo!"
*groan*
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 26 2018
Beware the regicides of March
*When it's Pi Day and the ides of March are tomorrow*
Brutus: We've got a man to cons-pi-re against
Cassius: I can't wait for tomorrow. It's such a never-ending day.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 14 2020
what do you call a australian con man?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 16 2018
What do you call a five foot psychic that's escaped from jail?
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 13 2019
Thereβs a new company that goes in conventions and claim they can track you by your smell
But they canβt do it without your con scent
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 09 2020
I was a con man trying to scam some fish...
Let's say they brought my story hook line and sinker
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 02 2019
I was gonna go to Comic-con last year
But instead I wound up at Comma Con, the convention for punctuation enthusiasts.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 05 2018
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Feb 06 2020
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 29 2018
Conway isnβt allowing anyone in anymore.
I guess thereβs no ConWAY to get there anymore.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 12 2020
If Pro is the opposite of Con, what's the opposite of Progress?
(do I really need to spell this one out?)
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 22 2018
If you're thinking about working in a prison library, it's important to consider the prose and cons.
π︎ 175
π
︎ Mar 04 2016
Inmates seem happiest when sleeping in canvas camp shelters...
They're con-tented at least.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 27 2020
What do you say when a bank robber gets sent to the same prison as his inseparable twin sons?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 13 2020
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Feb 21 2019
Mitochondria would be a great prison nickname.
They'd be the powerhouse of the cell.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jul 22 2018
What happened when the prisoner hit his head?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 10 2020
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 15 2020
What do you call a mattock that stands out from the crowd?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 16 2020
My Dad was very close to a legendary long-con dad joke.
My name is Sam. My younger sister is two and a half years younger than I am. My dad was going to name her Ella so we would be Sam & Ella (Salmonella) but my Mom caught on and named her something else. He was so close!
I wouldn't have been mad at all, such dedication is worth it.
π︎ 218
π
︎ Dec 13 2013
Cozy mysteries are a gold mine
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 31 2019
What was it like being surrounded by all those guards and prisoners?
Well there were pros and cons.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 27 2019
I was cooking dinner last night, and made a mild, vegetarian Chilli con carne.
I guess you could also call it a con.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 09 2018
What's a con artist's greatest asset?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 09 2017
Before God was making con men from a template...
Was he con-templating it?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 01 2016
What did the researchers have to do before they could compare the BMIs of inmates to professional bodybuilders?
First, they had to weigh the pros and cons.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 15 2019
I almost ate chilly con carne
But I microwaved it instead.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 26 2017
I can't decide whether to join the Bard's College or the Thieves Guild
I'll just have to weigh the prose and the cons.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Sep 18 2019
I just went to a jail poetry slam...
...it was called Prose and Cons.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 07 2019
In it for the long con
When I was in 2nd or third grade and my sister was in kindergarten, we asked my dad why he didn't work anymore, he had retired earlier that year. He convinced us he had invented the question mark and every time someone read one, he got ten cents. It was funny, until my sister's teacher mentioned she was honored to meet such an important inventor at the parent teach conference. Then it was hilarious.
π︎ 180
π
︎ Oct 19 2013
What do you call an Apple convention?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 28 2019
I'd like to see a lighthearted TV show called Prose and Cons- about the struggles of a poetry club in a prison.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 23 2015
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 06 2019
My witty father got me with this long-con
One morning while sitting down for breakfast,
my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!"
My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing.
I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine.
After school he get's home from work.
Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?"
Dad: "Yup"
Repeat action and conversation from the morning again.
And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total
I'm getting pissed
my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't.
I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt.
I'm starting to freak out and cry.
Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt.
I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...)
my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!"
I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out!
he sits me down and tells me this ...
"I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?"
That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad
"Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin.
Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief.
Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter.
My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."
groan.
TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.
edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...
π︎ 92
π
︎ Sep 09 2013
Though not a perfect solution, cryogenic storage could be an alternative to capital punishment.
It has itβs frozen cons.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 04 2019
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 04 2019
If pro is the opposite of con...
Is progress the opposite of Congress?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 11 2020
If the opposite of βproβ is βconβ,
Then the opposite of βprogressβ is βCongressβ
(Dads can be woke too)
π︎ 208
π
︎ Jun 28 2019
If con is the opposite of pro, then
Is Congress the opposite of progress?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 25 2019
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 12 2019
What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?
A condescending con descending.
π︎ 73
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
Since con is the opposite of pro...
it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?!
π︎ 153
π
︎ Nov 04 2017
A mean crook yelled at me while going down stairs. He was a condescending con, descending.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 02 2019
What do you call a narcissist criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Dec 13 2019
What are the pros and cons of "making food"?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 23 2018
Is pro is the opposite of con, whatβs the opposite of progress?
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 31 2018
How to Dad: The Long Con
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 22 2017
If pro is the opposite of con...
... what is the opposite of progress?
I know. Mind = Blown.
π︎ 63
π
︎ Jul 08 2013
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