I have a condition where I spontaneously and randomly tell jokes to people

It's a gag reflex

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fingadod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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I was diagnosed with a condition where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor said it was terminal

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Popular333
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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A friend of mine has a condition where everything he says sounds like a joke.

It got so bad that he went to the doctors.

Theyโ€™ve put him in quarantine in case the inflection is contagious.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/procrastiprov
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditions it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rhena_lahrie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrรถdinger's cat...

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Attinaux
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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What's a decent Asian stereotype?

I like Sony and Yamaha.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/n3rv0u5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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How do people lose their kids in a mall?

Seriously, any tips are welcome.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2018
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Is it cool if I turn on the a.c.?
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SwanNuggets
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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UA /TP HAV /SK CLR /TB LGT /IC CLR /WV 120010 ; UA /TP PAP /SK SCT /TB MDT /WV 080025 /FL 020 ; UA /TP KIN /SK OVC /TB SVR /WV 240050 /FL 03

These are the PIREPs of the Caribbean.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DocDerz
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2019
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The Laughing Hoagie

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fluffigt
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2019
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Concerned about boyfriend's dad-joke abilities. Is he a secret dad?

Boyfriend and I went to Portillo's (Italian Beef sandwich place in Chicago) and ordered sammies.

While we were eating, I started a story with the phrase, "so, I kind of have a beef with..."

He pauses, looks down at my now-empty sandwich wrapper and responds with,

"well, you had a beef..."

Also, I've stopped asking him to call my phone when I misplace it because I'm tired of the "what do you want me to call it?" response.

Boy and I have been together for...8 months or so, dad-jokes only got super frequent recently - men of /r/dadjokes - is this a condition that occurs after several months of dating? Please help.

:)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/push_harder
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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Blood Test

I now have so much respect for all the jokes in here,

So i just became a dad on Friday to a beautiful baby girl and my story goes like this.

Today a Midwife came into the room where my wife and I were and started with a speech " Hi my name is !editingoutinfo! I was wondering if i can take a blood sample from the baby, It's voluntary, it's for statistics and it gets sent out to a lab and they test for all rare conditions, they are going to test her genes and..."

At which point i stopped her and said "we haven't got any jeans for her, everyone has been buying her pink dresses"

she gave me a pity laugh and said "ohh the dad jokes are starting already"

What is happening to me?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/randazz0
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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The story of my friend Sam

HI Iโ€™m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didnโ€™t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldnโ€™t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. โ€œTimโ€, he said, โ€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heavenโ€. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didnโ€™t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasnโ€™t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldnโ€™t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didnโ€™t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dendari
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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Collection of dadness

I am not a dad at the moment, but I've learned the art of pretty clever puns in college. Some are mine, some are spins on inspirations, others are more on the joke side of dad.

What does a radioactive cat have?
18 half-lives

Ventriloquists are like psychiatrists, they both talk through things.

What is my vision?
To make the world 10% better?
No, it's about 20/20...

The invention of the shovel was truly a groundbreaking discovery.

Dad: I invested in some uranium, but I lost money.
Friend: What happened?
Dad: The Profit decayed.

We have received a report of a hole being discovered in the ground, our investigative team is looking into it.

There was an explosion at a local film manufacturing company, the story is still developing as we speak.

A local theater put together an act about jokes.
It was a play on words

Sรธ, I hรชรกrd yรถลซ lรฌkรซ fรถrรฉigรฑ aรงฤ‡ฤ“ล„tลก

As an airline mechanic would say, the job has lots of ups and downs.

My New Years resolution will probably be 25 megapixels, or 4K, not sure yet...

There was a river in Egypt no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Dad-Epitaph:
I thought I'd never live to see this day come.

There are two things that are guaranteed to open doors in life.
Push and Pull!

(How to keep an idiot in suspense)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A man builds robotic snakes for a living, I guess you could say he was a... python programmer!

A researcher's obsession with mixing stone, sand, lime, and water has yielded concrete results.

A madman once attacked a rider on his horse.
The rider had to goto hospital, the horse remains in stable condition.

A man bought a paper shop, it blew away in the wind last night.

Science is all about learning the rules, setting off an absurd amount of explosives, and then writing down what happened.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

Dad: Did you pick up your room?
Kid: No, I tried but it's too heavy.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/techtornado
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
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Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: โ€œHey, weโ€™ve got a whisky named after you.โ€ The horse replies: โ€œWhat, George?โ€


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. โ€œEveninโ€™โ€ says the barman, โ€œwhy the long face?โ€


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: โ€œWait you canโ€™t come in here without a tie.โ€The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: โ€œThis alright?โ€ The barman says: โ€œHmm, okโ€ฆ but donโ€™t be starting anything.โ€


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: โ€œI shouldnโ€™t really be drinking this with what Iโ€™ve got?โ€ โ€œWhy, what have you got?โ€ โ€œAbout ยฃ2 and a carrot.โ€


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside Whatโ€™s a horseโ€™s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,โ€ he asks The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sir,โ€ says the barman. โ€œWe donโ€™t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. โ€œExcuse me, good sir,โ€ the horse says, โ€œare you hiring?โ€ The manager looks the horse up and down and says, โ€œSorry, pal. Why donโ€™t you try the circus?โ€ The horse nickers. โ€œWhy would the circus need a bartender?โ€


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? โ€œIโ€™ve fallen and I canโ€™t giddyup!โ€


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horseโ€™s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? Iโ€™ve fallen and I canโ€™t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Chemistry Pun

Context: I am in a chemistry class where we are analyzing amounts of mercury in fish sample matrix that is not reaching the conditions for analysis.

Joke: You can tuna fish, but you can't tuna Mercury matrix.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Skarrro
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2017
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For the psychologists

My mum accidently made a brilliant unintended joke earlier.

Me: I hope classical and operant conditioning comes up on paper 2

Mum: What's that again?

Me: well classical has Pavlov's case study, do you remember?

Mum: oh yeah that's ringing a bell

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Imuptoolate_013
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2016
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I went to the dermatologist the other day...

I had the doctor check out a skin condition on my ear. After looking at it for a couple minutes I asked if it might be a sexually transmitted disease. The doctor said no and asked why I thought it was. I told her that my girlfriend had been traveling a lot lately so we have been having phone sex.

Later the doctor gave me a shot that hurt worse than any shot I had ever gotten. When I asked what the shot was for the doctor said, "the joke".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ReverendKen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2016
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Mom got my dad before dinner.

Dad: I have been conditioned at work to not call stuff stupid, but rather to say it is funny. Mom: Must be why you think your jokes are funny.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Grumpy_Zombie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
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I'm not a dad, but I apparently tell their jokes

I was in the car with my girlfriend and the air conditioning had been running to the point where the car had gotten plenty chilly. I asked if it was okay if I turned it off, which I followed up with:

"After all, the air should be in plenty good shape by now."

My girlfriend groaned as I laughed at my own joke.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Krypt0night
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 06 2015
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