My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.

Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I called Robinhood to complain about not being able to buy more GME

Operator said β€œplease hold”

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tegurd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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My neighbours complained about me groaning and moaning too loudly while having sex in the morning.

If only they knew, I was just trying to put my socks on.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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Daughter (complaining): :Daaaad, that's boring!" Son (overhearing end of conversation): "What's boring?"

Me (to son): digging holes in the ground.

mum: snigger

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.

I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaddyRecon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.

He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/warmfuzzy22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to the doctors and complained that I had trouble urinating.

"So, take these pills to cure your waterworks problem, then give me a tinkle." the doctor said.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me!"

πŸ‘︎ 780
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife has been complaining that I don’t buy her flowers. Tbh I don’t even know she started selling flowers.

Couldn’t post it earlier. Doing dishes, making everyone’s bed, taking trash and all the other household chores ate up all my evening.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shishir-nsane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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My gf complained about our loud neighbours

Me: Then be as loud as them, it will cancel each other out

Gf: what kind of logic is that?

Me: Sound logic

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sanscipher435
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was complaining that I never buy her jewellery.

I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rfcoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the doctor prescribe to the supernova who was complaining of the aching of their leg?

Nova-cain

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDreadist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
As a transgender father, my son always complains that he can’t see me

Because am transparent

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ssigea
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A man came in my tech repair shop complaining his nail had damaged his windows laptop and was concerned it wouldn't work anymore

I told him not to worry- he's only scratched the surface

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter when she was whining to me about her new boyfriend... β€˜Don’t complain about the road you’re on right now’

That’s your own asphalt

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't understand why people complain about COVID 19...

It is breathtaking.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StarGameDK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My mother will not stop complaining about her stairlift.

She tells me the thing is driving her up the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhenIamInSpaaace
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was complaining about how our next door neighbor's wife started sunbathing nude in their backyard.

Personally, I'm on the fence.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter was complaining about doing exponents in math class.

I told her exponents are easier when you look to a higher power.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrefrog25
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Mom complained when I asked for a few dollars in quarters to fill up my car’s tires.

Dad looked at me, shrugged and said β€œInflation.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjlet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.

He just has a chip on his shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My musician son was complaining about having to learn the theme song from Friends.

I said to him, "So no one told you life was gonna be this way?"

[Insert claps here]

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alroquez
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I took my friend to an Indian buffet and he complained about the bread.

It turned out to be a Naan issue.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slappy_G
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife complained that I don't do enough housework, so she forced me to vacuum

It really sucks

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Got a new tattoo

My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bosozokulove
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.

That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.

πŸ‘︎ 777
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry

He said, 'These just socks'.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theinvincibleyeet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, I don't understand why so many people complain about acne. I mean, don't people usually have twoknee?
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carl41465
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife often complains that I'm a poor listener

But the truth is, I've a terrible sense of direction.

I always get lost in my thoughts.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chennai_buzzer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Pliers was complaining about the Screwdriver.

And then the Drill stepped in and said "Don't mind him. He's just a tool".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicRock777
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Restaurant messed up and gave me a garden salad instead of a Caesar salad. When I complained my little girl said,

β€œDad, any salad can be a Caesar salad. You just have to stab it enough times”.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loonmaster2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My dairy farmer friend is always complaining about how little money he makes.

I think he’s just milking it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m not sure why people continue to argue and complain about Star Wars

It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evilmentalhamster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I like the smell of my wife whenever she complains about justifiable points

I really like her fairer moans

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry

Me: it’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.

My dad: it’s a sockrifice.

(This was an actual joke made by my actual dad today.)

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emthejedichic
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say when your employee complains about his constipation?

A poor workman blames his stools.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deegantmistry
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't know why people are complaining there's nothing to do. I've been stockpiling the whole day.
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Larryfacejr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,

β€œI must have taken Lief off my census”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Putin say after NATO complained about Russia's aggressive westward expansion?

Crimea River

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1sneakymidget
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was complaining about how I overcooked the last chicken breast we had

Tough titties.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_1337_Canadian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A colleague at worked complained he couldn't find any clean cups. "Maybe they're in the naughty corner," I offered. "Why would they be there?" he asked.

"Because they were acting like mugs."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
When my wife complained I was taking too long to paint the living room I told her she was worse than the warden in Shawshank.

She said β€œwell just paint it, Red”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nftpc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just complained I wasn’t listening and walked out of the room

Weird way to start a conversation.

πŸ‘︎ 212
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My customers keep complaining that they're receiving empty boxes with no contacts in them

but they're the ones that keep requesting contactless delivery!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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