Commandments Puns

A list of puns related to "Commandments"

Teacher : “Can you list the 10 Commandments in any order”

Johnny: “3, 5, 6, 1, 8, 9, 2, 4, 10 and 7”

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👤︎ u/cwwspurs
📅︎ Nov 08 2020
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Proof that priests break the eighth commandment all the time imgur.com/I2ny6zu
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👤︎ u/JewInator
📅︎ Dec 14 2017
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How did the Jewish people learn the Ten Commandments?

Through OsMoses

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👤︎ u/iceberger3
📅︎ Mar 13 2017
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My daughter came home from school and asked me, dad, what are the ten commandments?

I said, salt vinegar pepper mustard....

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👤︎ u/eltegs
📅︎ Jul 09 2017
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What happens when a commander walks into a bar?

He orders everyone around.

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👤︎ u/Jgfum
📅︎ Apr 30 2021
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What Excel command, when entered, magically glues together two cats?

Concatenate

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👤︎ u/Microsofte
📅︎ Apr 26 2021
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It really is a weakness
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👤︎ u/ToastyZ71
📅︎ Apr 09 2021
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I finally finished my training film for army commanding officers after more than 18 attempts.

Now I have CO vid 19.

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👤︎ u/bobskimo
📅︎ Mar 15 2021
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What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?

Tanks for that.

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👤︎ u/Kielbasa_Crotch_Kid
📅︎ Dec 08 2020
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What do you call a commander in Mcdonalds army?

A patty officer

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👤︎ u/prophet-five
📅︎ Oct 02 2020
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You’ll likely get this if you watched Russell Crowe in Master and Commander...
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👤︎ u/renoraid
📅︎ May 25 2020
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Did you know you can change the breed of your poodle by teaching it to giggle on command?

It will change the breed of your dog into a snicker-doodle.

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👤︎ u/Youtuatoot
📅︎ Aug 05 2020
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What did the russian commander say to his troops?

"We're late, stop Stalin, Putin some effort."

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👤︎ u/TheAdamStorm
📅︎ Jul 06 2020
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Why was the captain of the USS Roosevelt relieved of command?

The Navy hates leaks.

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👤︎ u/amart612
📅︎ Apr 03 2020
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Picture Perfect Puns

Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts

Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)

Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.

Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics

Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics

Leaky faucet: drip pics

X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics

X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)

X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics

X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics

Legal command: Writ pics

Pictures of twigs: Stick pics

A Christmas Story scene: lick pics

Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics

Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)

Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.

Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.

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👤︎ u/AndySkibba
📅︎ Feb 18 2021
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"Plagiarism squad reporting for duty"

"Copy that."

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👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Dec 02 2020
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Remotely Yours

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed “yes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

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👤︎ u/KCandIO
📅︎ Feb 04 2021
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We got a new dog at the weekend, he only obeys commands in Spanish....

He is Espanyol

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👤︎ u/clarknova77
📅︎ Aug 20 2019
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I'm 5'11½, but tell everyone I'm 6'0"

On my first day of being an army recruit, we were all lined up and the instructor commanded that those 6 feet and over step forward. Even though I was shy of ½inch, I stepped forward, along with 15 others.

. After I looked around me, I realized I was noticeably the tallest.

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👤︎ u/dwele_music
📅︎ Jan 29 2021
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[OC] The Final, Most Essential Command
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👤︎ u/ADAlverde
📅︎ Sep 01 2019
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I had the pleasure of serving under one of the calmest commanders in the US Army

General Anesthesia always helped put internal disputes to bed.

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👤︎ u/DrDewinYourMom
📅︎ Jan 17 2020
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Did you hear about the Native American cook who rose up to become second in command at Bobby Flay's restaurants?

He was a Sioux chef.

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👤︎ u/xwhy
📅︎ Nov 22 2019
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What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?

A kernel.

Sorry guys, a bit corny that one.

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👤︎ u/Queef_Snortah
📅︎ Oct 30 2019
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Where are our desssssks
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👤︎ u/HemperorSean
📅︎ Apr 28 2019
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What did the German commander say to the ticking clock?

Ve haf vays and means of making you tock.

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👤︎ u/Lord_Harkonan
📅︎ Jul 18 2019
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Which day of the year commands you to do something?

March Fourth

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👤︎ u/necramencer
📅︎ Mar 05 2019
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What do you call a robotic dog, that take commands through bluetooth?

Rott-wireless

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👤︎ u/snakegear50
📅︎ Nov 27 2018
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It's true! The Clinton Administration's second in command DID invent the internet!

Look at any web page's source and you will see an Al Gore-ithm

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👤︎ u/thomasbrakeline
📅︎ Nov 20 2018
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There's no escape
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👤︎ u/not_sample_text
📅︎ May 28 2019
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Why will button controlled remotes always be better than voice command?

It goes without saying.

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👤︎ u/loopythemexicankitty
📅︎ Feb 26 2018
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What did commander broccoli say to Sargent potato when he discovered that he was leaking information to the enemy?

You TAITOR!!!

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👤︎ u/Yup_Pup
📅︎ Apr 09 2018
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Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?

He couldn’t get any up-boats

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👤︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
📅︎ Jan 08 2019
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Master and Commander - Weevil (Xpost from r/videos) youtube.com/watch?v=440l8…
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👤︎ u/thecityhasnosay
📅︎ Aug 25 2018
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Today’s Command Day

March Fourth

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👤︎ u/darthpool117
📅︎ Mar 04 2019
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Son: dad, what does it mean to be a man? Dad: It means to be the one that command! To be the one that take all the decisions at home.

One day I want to be a man like mom :)

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👤︎ u/yubimarcano
📅︎ Mar 28 2018
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How many ears does Commander Spock have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear and the final frontier!

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👤︎ u/neolobers
📅︎ Aug 18 2016
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What do you call a commanding officer whose briefings always put you to sleep?

General Anaesthesia.

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👤︎ u/cobblecloth
📅︎ Nov 16 2018
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What do you call the pocket change of a ship's commander?

The captain's quarters

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👤︎ u/Oktayey
📅︎ Aug 25 2018
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I had to highlight this gem from r/Skyrim
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👤︎ u/Queen_OwO
📅︎ Dec 29 2019
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What is a Nazi's favorite keyboard command?

Alt+right.

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👤︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
📅︎ Nov 23 2016
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That was gneiss of him
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👤︎ u/________76________
📅︎ Sep 10 2018
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I met a dog recently that could only understand commands in Spanish.

It was ‘espanyol’.

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👤︎ u/Brit_100
📅︎ Jan 03 2018
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My dog only listens to commands in Spanish.

He’s Espanyol

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👤︎ u/1Calv
📅︎ Aug 15 2019
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My dog only understands commands in Spanish..

He's Espanyol

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👤︎ u/cinnamontheo
📅︎ Feb 16 2018
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My dog only responds to commands spoken in Spanish...

He’s Espanyol.

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👤︎ u/madazzahatter
📅︎ Jun 23 2018
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