I decided to have a brain transplant.

Then I changed my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hang-me-im-guilty
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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My girlfriend said, β€œI’m sick of it. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!”

I said, β€œBut wait, I can change!”

πŸ‘︎ 289
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself,

this changes everything

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/well_I_swan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.

They’re changing their name to Knockers.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phishstepper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog cart vendor?

The monk said "make me one with everything."

Monk handed him a $20 bill. Vendor handed him his hot dog.

The monk asked for his change.

The vendor replied "change must come from within."

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallmon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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To be frank,

I’d need to change my name

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bricky-boi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.

Change my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jacobwyc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The Dalai Lama hands over a $10 bill, and asks for his change.

The man behind the counter says, "No, change must come from within".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MohanBhargava
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SGT-R0CK
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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What did the dollar say say to the 4 quarters

You've changed man

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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There was a boy..

His name was Josh Buttlicker. Everyone used to make fun of him. On his 10th birthday his dad asked him what he wanted as a gift.

He said β€œI am so sick of everyone making fun of my name and I really want you to change it officially”.

Dad said β€œNo way! This is our family name, which represents our lineage, and I will never do it.”

He tried asking again on his 11, 12th up to his 17th birthday. But his dad denied his wish every time.

Finally on his 18th birthday, he told his dad β€œYou cannot do anything now. I am of legal age and it is my decision!!” He rushed to the court with a lawyer, and completed all the paperwork to change his name legally.

Then he came home, and his dad asked β€œwell, what is it?”

He said β€œDave Buttlicker”.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Transitionals
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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A man walks in a bar and sees a pot of change labeled: "Make my horse laugh"

He ask the barman: "What is this?"

The barman answer: "Oh this, place a dollar and if you make my horse laugh you can keep the pot."

"Fair enough" says the man "I'll give it a try" and then places a dollar in the pot

He walks in the stable and after a minute, the horse starts laughing and just can't seem to stop.

The man grabs the pot of change and leaves.

One week later, the man comes back to the bar and can still hear the horse laughing.

A new pot of change has been placed on the counter labeled: "Make my horse cry"

Man says: "Fair enough", place a dollar in the pot and walks again in the stable.

The horse stops laughing and starts crying

The man comes back in the bar and takes the pot of change.

Before he gets a chance to leave, the barman ask him: "How did you make him laugh so much?"

"Oh, very simple" says the man "I told him: My dick is bigger than yours"

"And how did you make him cry?" Ask the barman

"Even more simple, I showed him"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alexokirby
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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So I wanted to buy my wife a nice yellow orchid for her birthday, but then I swapped it for a red rose in the last second...

You could say it was a quick change of plants

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Did you know you can change the breed of your poodle by teaching it to giggle on command?

It will change the breed of your dog into a snicker-doodle.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Youtuatoot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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A friendly Jewish joke

How many Hasidic Rabbis does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's the Sabbath. Shabbat shalom!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nine_legged_stool
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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My son wanted a dinosaur for his birthday

I told him that they're all extinct.

He changed his mind saying " i don't want stinky dinosaurs. "

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the janitor who became president?

He wanted to make sweeping changes.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Hot dog stand

A guru walks over to a hot dog stand and says to the vendor, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor makes a hot dog with all the toppings and hands it to the guru and says, "Here's one with everything, that will be $3.50 please."

The guru takes the hot dog and gives the vendor a $10.00 bill...

The vendor takes the money and puts it into his bag without give the guru any change...

The guru says, "Hey, where's my change?"

The vendor patiently replies, "Change must come from within.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ask for a high five while holding up both hands and they hit both...

Slap them and say "Here's your change"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carpe_Noctum42
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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My dad had a failing heart and refused to get surgery.

But in the end, he had a change of heart.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazst
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Penny for your thoughts on the coin shortage?

I can't make heads or tails of it. It just doesn't make cents. I guess the way people pay needs some change.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PuddleOfMud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What was the dollar bill’s biggest fear?

Change.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techformer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the stop light say to the car?

Stop! Don't look, I'm changing!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phiarmage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a specialised vendor today to buy a prosthetic limb.

But when I got there ownership had changed hands.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Doctor desert to Kim Jong-Un’s regime?

He wanted a change of Korea

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mushroomsforlife
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Transformer puns are revolting

But they always change to stay current with the times.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IBreakCellPhones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Dear Sir/Madam

Your sex change operation was a partial success.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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Boy, with all these statues getting torn down...

... I guess you could say these protests are changing the landscape.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrJPLH
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, β€œGive me all your money or you’re geography!”

The teller replies, β€œDon’t you mean history?”

The robber says, β€œDon’t change the subject!"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife: "I made our daughter a waffle this morning."

Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I invented a new myth to delight my kids

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.

Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If I were a Judge,

I'd change my surname to Mental.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know what makes me cross?

When the signal changes to a man walking.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the announcement from the Janitors' Union?

They proposed some sweeping changes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmh4321
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the moon go to the bank?

To change its quarters.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siix0_beautiixo
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Ted asked me why my brother still smokes cigarettes. I told him that he was addicted.

Ted responds, β€œI know he’s a dick but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re bad for him”

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Control_Zee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
(fairly certain this is original) I'm out to eat with my girl and the server tells us to scan the barcode on the table to see the menu.

After taking our order and asking if we want anything else, I point at my phone and ask if she can leave us a menu just in case.

I think I wrote my first dad joke original on something new to this changing world!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yadnivek
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Some unexpected consequences of coronavirus..

So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.

Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.

Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".

Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.

In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.

It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

The next diaper change could spell disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumb-reply
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
5 Cringey Puns

(Sorry For Not Posting, I Was Busy)

  1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

  2. I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

  3. Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

  4. I didn't use to care much for most puns but over time some of them have groan on me.

  5. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

(Source For All Puns: https://www.punoftheday.com/cgi-bin/disppuns.pl?ord=F&cat=0&sub=0&page=1)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/punsdaily
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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I quit using autocorrect.

It's changed every thong

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I used to be addicted to eating money

Since I stopped I’ve lost lots of pounds, there’s been a lot of change.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpaceManBalls83
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A baby chameleon went to a therapist

Chameleon: The humans hate me

Therapist: What makes you say that?

Chameleon: My parents and siblings roam around their houses and kids' bikes, and it's all fine by the humans, but when I visit their neighborhood, they throw objects at me

Therapist: You need to learn to adapt to change

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinayjrao
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes to his friend for advice

He tells his friend, β€œI’ve been having issues with my coworker and no matter how much I yell at him he just won’t change!”

β€œWoah there,” his friend says. β€œNo need to yell at him, I think you just need to get to the heart of the problem and figure it out from there.”

The man agrees and leaves. Later on the news, his friend sees that a someone from his friends place of work was murdered. Soon after, his friend appears at his door.

β€œOk so I got his heart, what do I do now?”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamayurt
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a heart removal surgery the other day

When my family asked me if I was okay, I didn’t have the heart to tell them no.

Edit. I can’t change the title but I’ve decided to word it differently:

My heart got ripped out earlier today.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcrehm41506
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My company just hired a new janitor.

We're expecting sweeping changes across the organization.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoNotCool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Kim Jong-un's doctors...

Probably fancy a Korea change

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wigglesface
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the landscaper that got kicked out of college?

They found him changing grades.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frupp110
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the eastern European country that stopped being a democracy?

They were Hungary for change!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Police have been trying to catch a person stealing people's coins out of their pockets

But so far no change

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/korruption77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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TBH

You would probably have to change your name

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daniel80442
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and one to sing about how much better the old one was.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tgglas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Therapy

A psychiatrist asked his patient if he could remember one life changing moment that really stood out from any others.

He replied. "Why yes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was running down the street with tears flowing from my eyes crying 'Its a boy, its a boy!' I made a concious decision that day to never visit another brothel in Thailand".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Well, to be honest

I'd have to change my name

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/immonkeydluffy99
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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You have a nice one

The lady at the drive thru handed me my change and said "You have a nice one."

And I said "Thanks, yours ain't bad either."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stacker_shredder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My son is driving my wife and I crazy.

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.

I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

β€œI’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”

β€œHoney,” I said, β€œit’ll never work.”

β€œWhy not?!”

β€œBecause you can’t rush Art.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunselpower
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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I set the comp password to β€˜Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated...

I set the comp password to β€˜Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated that every time she asked what I changed it to, I answered. She did every piece of work, including corrections. Then I wrote it down.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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My wife is threatening to leave me because I’m addicted to wearing a new T-shirt every half an hour.

I said, β€œWait! I can change!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Nickelback is such a depressing band... They should make happier songs...

... and change their name to Tickleback...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OiTheRolk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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Told my kid "Go to the Principal's Office!"

I then changed into a suit and tie and came in and said "so, tell me why you're here today..."

Homeschool is tough work....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shortbusaz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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I hate autocorrect

If it changes one more thing I’ll go ducking crazy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shimmywaffles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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I just dad joked my dad, and I'm proud of it.

I went to the grocery store, and the change was $5.02, so on my ride home, I perfected the ultimate plan for a dad who loves dad jokes...

Me: Oh, here's the change *hands 5.00 bill*

Dad: You can set the groceries on the counter

Me: Oh by the way, do you want my two cents on the groceries?

Dad: *confused look* o...kay?

Me: *hands receipt and two pennies*

It took a minute for him to realize but everyone got a good laugh out of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adventuresofzarek
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I need a brain transplant

Change my mind

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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I’m not in my element

Someone asked me the other day if I liked sodium, I said β€œNa.”

My favorite element right now is Boron, but it changes periodically

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oopsda16
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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Curtains were probably invented by nudists

They didnt want someone to see them changing into something more comfortable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightsOfPuzzles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Coming in 2020

A new coding bootcamp, featuring international percussion ensembles, sponsored by former vice president and climate change activist behind An Inconvenient Truth.

"Al Gore Rhythm"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funkaholic415
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?

They always honor the changing of the Gourd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpmbrent
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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I counted my piggy bank today. Some would say $100 is a lot of money,

But it’s just change to me!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RastaTeddyBear
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your postΒ to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation

like when you have to change someone's mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
One upon a time there was a green man, he always wore green clothes drove a green car and lived in a green house...

One day he sat on his green couch and turned on his green TV to watch a green western. And it was a great green western too.

When the green western was over, the green man turned the green TV off and decided to go for a nice relaxing green bath.

He left the green lounge, turned off the green lights and travelled along the green hall, up the green stairs and to the green bathroom.

In the green bathroom he turned on the green light and turned the green tap to make the green water fill up the green bath tub.

The green man got changed from his green clothes and was left in the green. He dipped his green toe in to the green water to check the temperature, then he slowly lowered his whole green self in to the green bath.

No sooner had his green bottom touched the base of the green tub then the green doorbell went. He heaved his green body out of the green tub and quickly wrapped a green towel around his green waist.

He went down the green stairs to the green door and opened it. Standing there in front of his green house was an elderly lady, she asked the directions to local train station. The green man forgot about the green towel situation and with the green hand that was on the green towel pointed in the direction of the trains.

In doing so he dropped his green towel to his green ankles, revealing his green privates. The elderly lady shrieked turned and ran across the road, where she was struck by a passing car.

And kids what's the moral of the story? . . . . . Don't cross the road while the green man's flashing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmalaki
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
When does it start to rain money?

When there is change in the weather.

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
We have a new design! What do you guys think about it?

Hey, since we (the new mods) joined the sub 1,5 months ago we've made some changes, mostly with the rules and some backend stuff. Now I also updated the icon (slightly) and the banner (on redesign and mobile), too.

What do you guys think about it?

Do you like it? ( Yes/No ). What could be improved about it?

Also, are you happy with how we're moderating the subreddit? Are we too strict with the rules or toulouse too loose? Do the rules even make sense?

We want to improve this subreddit and we need your feedback for that, so feel free to speak your mind!

You can either simply leave a comment down here in the thread or send us a message.

Looking forward to your feedback and have a nice day! :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yayoletsgo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm gonna name my baby Subject

It's the only way my wife will let me change the subject in the middle of an argument.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The first time I bought a universal remote control...

...I thought to myself "This changes everything."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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To be frank...

i'd have to change my name

πŸ‘︎ 240
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
To be Frank

I’d have to change my name

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mccccccc682
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
To be Frank

I’d have to change my name

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mccccccc682
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought to myself "Well, this changes everything"

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
To be frank guys

I'd have to change my name

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jedispartan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I mean, to be frank

I'd have to change my name

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaffa_54
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cavanaughphoto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine.... (apologies to u/buddybd)

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today

Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A-T-P
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report

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